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  1. Newbie
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      • English
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      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Jul 2015
    • Posts: 1
    #1

    Essay Proofreading

    Prompt:
    Describe a setting in which you have collaborated or interacted with people whose experiences and/or beliefs differ from yours. Address your initial feelings, and how those feelings were or were not changed by this experience.

    I am not a strong writer so I would like some help knowing what I should change in my essay.
    1. Should I use real names (instead of commentator and friend)?
    2. Is my subject good enough?
    3. Can my essay be saved or should I write a totally different one?

    Video games are played by different people for a variety of reasons. Most play for casual amusement and some even commit and to play them professionally. Whatever the reason being, video games were meant to entertain. However, upon watching a video commentary, this commentator was talking about an instance where he lost a friend. The story was, the commentator asked his friend if he wanted to play a match with him on a game when this friend refused saying, "I'd rather play solo queue by myself than lower my rank playing with you." The commentator was irritated and tried to explain to him that playing with his friends is more important than a rank in a game, but this friend would not budge and ended up yelling at the commentator saying that he can't judge him for wanting to play by himself. The commentator, knowing that there would be some controversy in the comment section, stressed that if this friend blew him off to play with another friend he would have been alright with it, but to no avail, there was controversy nonetheless and I tried to clear this up, siding with the commentator, because I thought it was a brilliant thought provoking idea as he went on with the rest of the video talking about the game of validation and how you can't win.

    I started defending him by answering a question from a comment suggesting that the commentator cut ties with this friend solely because he was jealous that this friend didn't want to play with him. I merely just answered this by restating that if this friend blew him off for another friend he would have been alright with it. However, with this response came another person asking, "For enjoying the game by being competitive? Why can't he just enjoy the game his way? Not everybody enjoys playing with friends." Of course, I acknowledged his comment stating that there is nothing wrong with being competitive in a game as long as you are enjoying it, but what confused me at the time was when he said that not everyone enjoys playing with friends? I asked him politely, "You have friend because you enjoy their company, right? Why would you rather play by yourself if you have friends to play with?" He quickly replied back explaining that he, specifically, didn't like to play with his friends on a game called Day Z because he and his friends have different play styles. I respected the new perspective he brought in to the conversation for I haven't really accounted for that view on gaming, but in the end the commentator replied to us saying that this friend wasn't like the person I had this conversation with. This friend was not competitive, but fanatical about this game. So much that he ruined his social life, online and offline, and his academic future with his obsession over his rank.
    Over all, this experience impacted my views on how people play and enjoy games and has shown me that I have to consider each perspective before I can choose a side and make my argument.

    Thank you for helping.

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Jun 2014
    • Posts: 11,088
    #2

    Re: Essay Proofreading

    It looks like something you will be turning in for grading, so I will have to limit the advice I can give you.

    Remember that when you write a first draft you just want to get your ideas on paper (or in the computer). Then when you proofread you want to make it readable. You want to organize it. For example, I am not a strong writer is an independent clause, so what goes after writer? As for the essay, I think you should use real names, but they can be made up names. Finally, look at this sentence: Video games are played for a variety of reasons. (I couldn't resist.)

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