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    #1

    Please review my self-practice work for topic sentence writing

    Am self-studying a textbook to help myself on writing improvement. There are several exercise sections in the book I am studying. My today's progress is around topic sentence(subject + attitude). It's hoped someone could review my practice work and provide the feedback and comments. Many thanks in advance!

    By the way, the sentences or text from the textbook are in italic letters. The ones I wrote of my practice work are in regluar type.

    Exercise Goal: Narrow each of the following broad topics by writing an interesting topic sentence.

    1. Teams:
    -> A group of talented and experienced team members brings the core contribution to a successful clinical trial project.

    2. Jobs:
    -> Jobs in high-tech sectors nowadays demand more skills and knowledge of employees in a company.

    3. Violence:
    -> Domestic violence is a concerning issue in the society of Japan.

    4. Politicians:
    -> Presidential election every four years turmoils the some degree of disorder and tension in the society by sophisticated politicians.

    5. Movie stars:
    -> Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks are both famous movie stars in States, their acting styles are different.

    Exercise Goal: Making subjects and attitudes clear

    1. Everybody knows I'm hardworking.
    -> For members I work with in this project, they know I am the constant one who leaves the lab after 11pm in weekdays.

    2. My pet knows me very well.
    -> My pet dog, Dumbo, acts adequately each time while I speak and give the signs to him.

    3. I think exercise hurts more people than it helps.
    -> I think exercise, such as running or work-out, with insufficient warm-up and stretch hurts more exercisers than it helps.

    4. "Cosby" is the best show on TV.
    -> "Cosby" is one of the best American comedy shows in late 1990s, broadcasted by CBS.

    5. Arguing is fun.
    -> Arguing involved with logical and rational thinking and speech is a joyful learning.

    6. When we moved to the farm, it fascinated me.
    -> When my family and I moved to the farm in the countryside in Ohio, the open and broad view of plain fascinated me.

    7. Math is the pits.
    -> Theoretical math we learned in today's lecture is the pits.

    8. There is entirely too much emphasis on self-esteem.
    -> There is entirely too much emphasis, from psychological perspectives, on how self-esteem would influence on an individual success.

    9. Stupidity is curable.
    -> According to recent outcomes of a phase III clinical trial, sponsored by ABC company, the loss of memory is able to be treated and recovered by their testing drug, called XYZ.

    10. Travel teaches people a lot.
    -> The student exchange program to overseas countries in college teaches exchange students many of things which are different from where they are originally from.

    Exercise Goal: The appropriateness of subjects and attitudes

    1. Best-selling author Stephen King is also a talented musician.
    -> good

    2. You learn to write by writing.
    -> One can learn to write precisely and concisely by keeping a journal on a notebook and having someone review and provide the feedback or comments.

    3. The KKK has the right to parade.
    -> According to the law, the KKK, commonly known as a group of anti-immigration and white nationalism in States, has the civil right to advocate their assertion with parade.

    4. Winning the high school basketball championship had a real effect on us.
    -> good

    5. Michael Jackson is a different entertainer.
    -> Michael Jackson, commonly known as 'King of Pop', is an unprecedented pop dancer with his unique dancing style to fascinate his audience.

    6. The most exhilarating feeling in the world is running.
    -> The most exhilarating feeling in the world is intensive running, which can trigger brain naturally excrete more neurotransmitters to make runner feel in good mood.

    7. Let me tell you about my day at the park.
    -> Let me tell you about my day at the park near our neighborhood.

    8. The world today has many problems.
    -> The world today has many concerning issues and problems such as extreme climates, proliferation of unclear weapons, and regional conflicts caused by globalization.

    9. Nothing ever goes right.
    -> My day in office today seemed nothing ever goes right, even a simple paper jam in the printer machine caused half day to resolve.

    10. Some people do not respect their parents and think that they would be better off on their own.
    -> good
    Last edited by mehong19; 30-Jul-2015 at 09:22.

  1. teechar's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please review my self-practice work for topic sentence writing

    Which book did you get these sentences from?

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    #3

    Re: Please review my self-practice work for topic sentence writing

    I got them from the book, Writing Clear Paragraphs, 6th edition. 5 Authors. First two are Robert B Donald and James D. Moore.

  2. teechar's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Please review my self-practice work for topic sentence writing

    1- I'm a little confused. Are the above sentences yours, or did you get them from that book?
    2- Are you practising the construction of topic sentences for essay writing?

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    #5

    Re: Please review my self-practice work for topic sentence writing

    Sorry for making the confusion...I added some explanation in my original post and modified a little for the sentences/text I typed from textbook. For sentences or text from the textbook, I made and will make them in italic letters. For the sentences or practice work I wrote, I will write them in regular font. Hope it differentiate well what is from textbook and what is from my work.

    Yes, exactly. So, I hope to follow the textbook in my previous reply to build up my writing skills step by step.

  3. teechar's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Please review my self-practice work for topic sentence writing

    Quote Originally Posted by mehong19 View Post
    Sorry for making causing the confusion. I added some explanation in my original post and modified a little for the sentences/text I typed from textbook. For The sentences or text from the textbook , I made and will make them are in italic letters now. For The sentences or practice work I wrote , I will write them are in regular font. I hope it's clear now. it differentiate well what is from textbook and what is from my work.

    Yes, exactly. So, I hope to follow the textbook in my previous reply to build up my writing skills step by step.
    1- Sounds more like a newspaper headline than a topic sentence.

    2- Potentially ambiguous. Consider changing it to: "Jobs in high-tech sectors require up-to-date knowledge and specialized skills."

    3- Change it to:
    "Domestic violence is an issue of concern in Japanese society." or
    "Domestic violence in Japanese society is a major issue of concern."
    Note: You could use "concerning issue" instead of "issue of concern."

    4- Doesn't make sense.

    5- "Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks are both famous movie stars in the United States, but their acting styles are different."
    Note: You can use "US" instead of "United States."

    -----------------------------------------------

    1- Change it to: "My colleagues know I work so hard that I often leave the lab at 11:00 pm."

    2- I don't think that's a good example.

    3- Change it to: "I believe that exercise can hurt more people than it helps as it is often taken to extremes or done incorrectly."

    4- "'Cosby' was one of the best American comedy shows in the late 1990s." broadcasted by CBS.

    5- Doesn't make sense.

    6- "When my family and I moved to the farm in the Ohio countryside, in Ohio, the open and broad view of the plains fascinated me."

    7- "Math can be a very difficult and challenging subject."
    "The pits" is an informal way of saying "horrible."

    8- Doesn't make sense.

    9- Doesn't make sense.

    10- Doesn't make sense.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------

    2- This is asking you to involve the concept of practice in the sentence.

    3- Doesn't make sense.

    5- "Michael Jackson, commonly known as the 'King of Pop', was a very popular entertainer n unprecedented pop dancer with his unique singing and dancing style to which fascinated his audience."

    6- Running is not a feeling. "Running can be an exhilarating and highly rewarding exercise."

    7- This is unlikely to be an appropriate topic sentence in an IELTS or TOEFL essay.

    8- The book's sentence is too general, and your sentence is not specific enough!

    9- This is unlikely to be an appropriate topic sentence in an IELTS or TOEFL essay.

    Note that a topic sentence must involve two things:
    a- The overall topic of the essay.
    b- The specific aspect/point you wish to talk about in that specific paragraph.

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