Is this letter witch request for autograph correct?

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Alohau

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I wrote letter to Derren Brown with request for autograph. Is this correct? i will send it soon.

Dear Derren
My name is Marcin. I am 15 years old. I live in Poland. I am interested in music and animals.
I am also interested in mentalism, psychological illusion and hypnosis thanks to you.
I am reading your book "Tricks of the mind". I hsve watched your programs : The heist,
System,Russian roulette, Messiah and Fear and faith. They are very interesting.
I know that you are busy so I do not write more because I think I am one of many people,
but i have a request: Could you give me autograph on this photo?
Regards, Marcin
[h=1][/h]
 

teechar

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I wrote a letter to Derren Brown with a request for an autograph. Is this correct? I will send it soon.

Dear Derren,

My name is Marcin, and I am 15 years old. I live in Poland, and I am interested in music and animals.

I am also interested in mentalism, psychological illusion and hypnosis thanks to you.
I am reading your book "Tricks of the Mind". I have watched your programs-- The Heist,
System, Russian Roulette, Messiah and Fear and Faith. They are very interesting.

I know that you are busy, so I do not write more because I think I am one of many people,
but I have a request: Could you [STRIKE]give me[/STRIKE] please autograph [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] this photo for me?

Regards,

Marcin
.
 

Alohau

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Is this version correct too?
Dear Derren,

My name is Marcin, and I am 15 years old. I live in Poland, and I am interested in music and animals.

I am also interested in mentalism, psychological illusion and hypnosis thanks to you.
I am reading your book "Tricks of the Mind". I have watched your programs-- The Heist,
System, Russian Roulette, Messiah and Fear and Faith. These programs are very interesting.

I know that you are busy, so I do not write more because I think I am one of many people who do this ,
but I have a request: Could you , please autograph on this photo for me?

Regards,

Marcin
 

thminh88

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I am not a native speaker, but here is my best shot.
Anyone thinks that my correction isn't correct, please give me your criticism. Thank you.

"My name is Marcin, and I am 15 year old. I live in Poland, and I am interested in music and animals.

I am also interested in mentalism, psychological illusion and hypnosis thanks to you.
I am reading your book "Tricks of the Mind". I have watched your programs: The Heist,
System, Russian Roulette, Messiah and Fear and Faith. These programs are very interesting.

I know that you are busy, so I will stop my letter here.
But could you please autograph on this photo for me? I really appreciate that.


Regards,

Marcin"

I remove the part " I think I am one of many people who do this". I think it will confuse the reader because he would ask "do what". You can ask for his autograph directly (as you already did in your next sentence).
 

teechar

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Alohau

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Which version is correct? :
I know that you are busy, so I will stop my letter here.
or

I know that you are busy, so I stop my letter here.
 

teechar

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The first one.
 
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