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  1. Newbie
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    #1

    Help on correcting a short Text

    Hello everyone,

    I wrote a scene (more like a teaser) in which two guards are dragging one man to cast him down into an abandoned cave. The following lines are spoken by a narrator ( the cave guard ) who is watching the whole thing.

    "He's not the first and he won't be the last, for the weak must always pay for the mistakes of powerful.
    These countless years of watching men cast down, never to return, have made me realize that only an unearthly power could put an end to this madness."

    English isn't my native language so I hope you guys can give me some advice to enhance grammar, logic and most of all the fluency of the lines,
    and please don't be shy, if the text sucks or it sounds clumsy just say it.

    Thank you.
    Last edited by modar; 08-Aug-2015 at 21:35.

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    #2

    Re: Help on correcting a short Text

    What do you mean by "cast him down into an abandoned cave"?
    My understanding of "to cast somebody down" is to make him discouraged or dejected.
    The saying usually goes - "this/that is not the first time and it won't be the last"(not he won't be the last).
    I am not a teacher.

  2. Newbie
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    #3

    Re: Help on correcting a short Text

    Hello tedmc,

    Quote Originally Posted by tedmc View Post
    What do you mean by "cast him down into an abandoned cave"?
    My understanding of "to cast somebody down" is to make him discouraged or dejected.
    I meant to forcibly send him deep down the cave or throw him deep down the cave.

    one of my favorite bands "Insomnium" used this expression in one of their songs called "Weather the storm"
    http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/ins...sorrow.html#11

    Quote Originally Posted by tedmc View Post
    The saying usually goes - "this/that is not the first time and it won't be the last"(not he won't be the last).
    Hmmm, the narrator is actually watching the guards as they are dragging the man, so what I'm trying to imply is that this man isn't the first one to be treated like that.

    thank you.

  3. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Help on correcting a short Text

    This is all fine.
    I'd suggest as a matter of style omitting "These" - Countless years of...
    Or
    After countless years ... return, I've come to realize that...
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  4. Newbie
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    #5

    Re: Help on correcting a short Text

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    This is all fine.
    I'd suggest as a matter of style omitting "These" - Countless years of...
    Or
    After countless years ... return, I've come to realize that...
    Ah great suggestions, they do sound better!

    BTW, when you say "This is all fine" could it possibly be 7/10? maybe less?

    Thank you.

  5. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Help on correcting a short Text

    7/10?
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  6. Newbie
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    #7

    Re: Help on correcting a short Text

    I mean what score would you give the text from 0 to 10?
    You said the text is fine so I assumed it may score 7 out of 10.

  7. Piscean's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: Help on correcting a short Text

    Quote Originally Posted by tedmc View Post
    My understanding of "to cast somebody down" is to make him discouraged or dejected.

    It is used, dramatically, in the sense it which modar used it. It is not used in the way you suggest.


    The saying usually goes - "this/that is not the first time and it won't be the last"(not he won't be the last).
    Modar has used it perfectly naturally.
    Last edited by Barb_D; 09-Aug-2015 at 16:32. Reason: minor typo

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