As if he had been

[Bassim]

These two sentences are from my short story. I am not sure about the second one and the part, "as if he had been imploring God." I am wondering if I could also use "as if he were imploring God."
Would you please take a look at them and correct my mistakes.

The young man passed by Jasmine’s overgrown garden and his breast constricted with pain. Jasmine, please help me. He repeated his prayer over and over as if he had been imploring God.

 

[Meja]

I am not a native speaker.

Following this rule:
-"as if he were imploring God" (or: as if he implored) - refers to the time of speaking, and
-"as if he had been imploring God" - refers to the past (the time before repeating prayers),
shouldn't the 1st version be more appropriate?

 

[tedmc]

I agree with Meja about using "as if he were", but I am not sure about the first part, "his breast constricted with pain".

 

[Bassim]

I am wondering if I could write the second sentence like this:
He repeated his prayer over and over as if imploring God.

 

[Matthew Wai]

I deem it OK, but I am not a teacher.

 

[Tdol]

Yes, you can.

 

[Matthew Wai]

I think 'as if to implore God' is also OK, but I am not a teacher.

 

[emsr2d2]

Does he think he's having a heart attack? If so, I'd say "his chest".

 

[Bassim]

emsr,
He is passing by the house of a girl who had left the country. This happens when he is rounded up together with other men to be taken away in a prison camp. This is both emotional and physical pain. So maybe i should write: His chest constricted with pain.

 

[tedmc]

taken away to a prison camp.
He(suddenly) feels his chest constricted in pain?