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  1. Newbie
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      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
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      • Syria
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      • Syria

    • Join Date: Aug 2015
    • Posts: 6
    #1

    Help on reviewing a short text

    Hello everyone,


    Once again, I have a scene in which two armored guards are dragging one man to cast him down into an abandoned cave. The following lines are spoken by a narrator ( the cave guard ) who is watching the whole thing.


    "I have learned that using a Warhammer does not speed up the process of building a place: a home to safely dwell.
    Using violence to build a shack always results in a chaotic mess...
    the armors that ward off pain also ward off light, and beneath them is Hell in its heat and darkness.
    a General giving commands with a skyward sword, is surely threatening the Heavens with the tip of his puny blade.
    but unimpressive little sermons like these are useless... for when the truly sick ones awaken, the only wisdom, is in war and murder!"


    Please rate the text in terms of fluency, consistency and logic.


    Thank you.

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
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      • Native Language:
      • British English
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      • UK
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      • UK

    • Join Date: Jul 2009
    • Posts: 41,912
    #2

    Re: Help on reviewing a short text

    Didn't we point out last time that "cast him down" is rather unnatural in standard, everyday English?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. Newbie
    Student or Learner
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Arabic
      • Home Country:
      • Syria
      • Current Location:
      • Syria

    • Join Date: Aug 2015
    • Posts: 6
    #3

    Re: Help on reviewing a short text

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    Didn't we point out last time that "cast him down" is rather unnatural in standard, everyday English?
    https://www.usingenglish.com/forum/t...t=#post1176900
    I'm not aware of that, actually if you read the replies on my first post you'll notice that no one mentioned that "cast him down" is unnatural.
    Anyway,
    "cast him down" in not used in the main text that I'm hoping to get some reviews on.


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