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    #1

    The sounds of snoring

    These three sentences are from my short story. I am not sure if they sound natural, so would you please take a look at them and correct the mistakes?

    The sounds of snoring around the young men were surreal. How could they sleep so soundly while their fellow prisoner was tortured in the cruellest way? How could a human being adapt to hell so quickly?

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    #2

    Re: The sounds of snoring

    One error and a couple of things that could be better:

    1. Your second sentence should be: How could they sleep so soundly while their fellow prisoner was being tortured in the cruelest way?

    2. Cruelest has only one 'L'.

    3. The sounds of snoring around the young men were surreal. I prefer: The sound of snoring around the young men was surreal.
    Or better yet: The snoring around the young men was surreal. Snoring is, after all, pretty much just a sound, so a little redundant and it's the fact that they were able to sleep that is 'surreal', not actually the sound.

    4. I recommend you change the last sentence to: How can human beings adapt to hell so quickly? Using the present tense removes this from the specific (past) situation and expands it to include all times and situations, making it a 'bigger' question.
    Last edited by J&K Tutoring; 29-Aug-2015 at 16:19.

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    #3

    Re: The sounds of snoring

    JKT has brought up some good points.

    How about:
    It was surreal how the young men could sleep so soundly, snoring away, while their fellow prisoner (inmate) was being tortured in the cruelest way.
    I am not a teacher.

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    #4

    Re: The sounds of snoring

    tedmc.
    Thank you for your contribution, but I have to tell you that these sentences are part of my short story, which I am still writing. This will be the first time I am trying to use the point of view in third person and also deep point of view. So these two sentences are actually the thoughts of my main character. You do not need to use quotation marks for inner thoughts, because the reader will understand who is thinking. If I start with "It was surreal," the effect will not be the same as "the snoring around the young man was surreal. " The next sentence is his inner thought without quotation, "How could human beings adapt to hell so quickly"

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    #5

    Re: The sounds of snoring

    Bassim
    As JKT pointed out, it was not the snoring which was surreal but the fact that the young men were able to sleep through the terrible thing that was happening to their fellow inmate.

    The young men slept soundly snoring away, oblivious to the fact that
    their fellow prisoner (inmate) was being tortured in the cruelest way.
    I am not a teacher.

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    #6

    Re: The sounds of snoring

    ted
    Maybe I should write like this: Some of the men slept soundly snoring away. How could they sleep so soundly while their fellow prisoner was tortured in the cruelest way? How could human beings adapt to hell so quickly?

    I think that "oblivious to the fact" is in this case redundant because from the previous sentences, the reader will already know that there is a prisoner tortured by the guards in the upper floor.

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    #7

    Re: The sounds of snoring

    It's your story. Only you know the events and emotions you want to convey. Write it the way you like. You asked for opinions, and you got them. It's your decision to follow, adapt, or ignore them as you wish with no hard feelings on this end. Good Luck!

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