- Your first body paragraph deals with the benefits, but it's not well thought out, especially the last sentence, which shouldn't be there.
- Your third body paragraph is pointless as far as I can see. Just present (and refute if you wish) the problems in the second paragraph.
- Use better linking words than "firstly", "secondly" ... etc.
-As general advice, I suggest that you show us the plan of your next essay before you actually write it.
Student or Learner