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    #1

    How he wished

    I am writing a short story, and I am not sure if these sentences sound natural. I would appreciate if someone would take a look at them and correct my mistakes.

    How he wished to feel the warm water splashing on his body. He imagined standing under the shower for hours with his eyes closed, letting the stream wash away the dirt, stench and fear. But these days whenever he turned his eyes towards the shower cubicles, he flinched and almost threw up because the walls were stained with large blotches of dried blood. In this wretched disused factory, the red liquid flew instead of water and swept humanity away. What was left over were two sorts of creatures, the ones that had an opportunity to act out their perverted dreams and wishes, and the others whose only goal was to avoid a prolonged, torturous death.

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    #2

    Re: How he wished

    They sound very natural.

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    #3

    Re: How he wished

    How he wished to feel the warm water..
    Would this be better?
    How he wished he could feel warm water...

    But these day, whenever he turned....

    What was left over were two sorts of creatures, the ones that had an opportunity to act out their perverted dreams and wishes, and the others whose only goal was to avoid a prolonged, torturous death.

    two sorts - one and the other
    Last edited by tedmc; 02-Sep-2015 at 07:35.
    I am not a teacher.

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    #4

    Re: How he wished

    tedmc,
    I think my version sounds better. "How he wished to feel the warm water" sounds more direct than "How he wished he could feel". But I am not a native speaker and this is only my feeling.
    "But these day, whenever he turned..." is not what I wanted to say. "But these days" in my version indicate many days and maybe weeks.
    In the last sentence I have used "the ones and the others" meaning two separate groups of creatures, and you have used "one and the other" in singular. Now I do not know which version is grammatically correct. Or maybe you could use both depending on the meaning?

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    #5

    Re: How he wished

    Bassim
    It should have been "but these days"(plural). A comma is required before the conjunction, "whenever" followed by an independent clause.
    What I meant was there were two sorts/types of creatures - one type then the other type.
    I am not a teacher.

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    #6

    Re: How he wished

    ted,
    Thank you so much.
    I would like to tell you how much I appreciate your help. Your knowledge of English grammar is superior to mine, and I have to accept your advice. I, for example, did not think about a comma required before "whenever followed by an independent clause." I am more guided by a feeling, which is sometimes good, but sometimes that results in grammatical mistakes, like in this case. Probably a would need many more years until I learn to properly use English grammar.

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