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    #1

    Self-intro essay. Please help!

    First of all, I would like to express my appreciation for this opportunity to apply for X University and this scholarship.

    My name is ( ) , a 19 year old girl from a developing third world country, Malaysia. There are four members in my family: my father, mother, younger brother and me. My father is a designer while my mother is a housewife. My brother is a student studying in high school and I will be the first in my family go to a university. I graduated from a five-year secondary education system at Mount Austin High School in my country after earning my SPM certificate (equivalent with O level). Currently, I am taking a one and a half year STPM course (equivalent with A level) and will graduate at the end of the year.

    Malaysia is a multi-ethnic country with three major ethnic groups: Malay, Chinese, and Indian. Living in this multicultural society makes me learn to tolerate and accept the difference in religion and cultures of others, and I believe I will adapt well to the life in Korea . As a Malaysian, I can speak 3 languages fluently, which is English, Mandarin and Malay. My proficiency in English is proven in the MUET exam (Malaysian University English Test) where I received band 4 on the test. Mandarin is my mother tongue. I studied at Foon Yew 5 Primary School in Malaysia in 2007. It is a Chinese primary school covered around of the Chinese atmosphere. The first language to communicate in the school is Mandarin, then English and Malay. After finishing my primary education, I attended Mount Austin high school which uses English and Malay as the main instruction. Knowing more than one language have enabled me to have better communication with foreigners. I strongly believe that these language advantages will promote international cultural and academic exchange at the university.

    I had perform well in both academics and co-curricular activities throughout my school life. I scored a straight A’s in government examination UPSR (Primary School Evaluation Test) , in my primary school. Besides, I had also maintain my academic standing in my secondary school. I was able to get straight A's in government examination of PMR (Lower Secondary Assessment) and SPM (Malaysian Certificate of Education). I am always one of the top student in the class. For my outstanding achievements, I was awarded a scholarship to study AUSMAT in Sunway University but I refused it. The reason is I wish to further my study in public universities which would save me a lot of cost, but AUSMAT is not accepted in public universities.

    As a saying goes, “All works and no play makes Jack a dull boy", and I was never a "dull boy". I had held the post of class monitor for two years and always a teacher’s right-hand man in the school. I had also involved myself in many activities of different society and clubs. I was chosen to be the vice-president of Koperasi Club in year 2010 and 2011. “Koperasi” is a Malay word means a store in the school that sells some stationary and books to the students. There is a duty table where every member of the club has to take turn to keep the shop. As one of the board of director, we had held a lot of activities such as selling handmade paper flowers on teacher’s day. From these activities, I gained the skill to run a business and this also helps to develop my soft skills which will never be teach within four corners of the classroom. Besides, I am also a registered scout under Johor Scouts Association. Involving myself in the scout activities like marching and camp makes me a discipline and independent person. I am sure that living abroad will not be a problem for me.

    Throughout my high school career, I have been an active member in cheer squad. I joined the squad for 3 year in secondary school and I was chosen as the leader in 2010. When the time I being a leader, I met a lot of obstacles. One of them that troubling me the most is there was only a little time for us to learn the dance step before sports day where is absolutely not enough for us to practice. I had settled this problem by recording a dance step tutorial for my members, so that they could learn it at home. We also stay back in the school for rehearsal. Since the dance step has been learned at home, we could use the limited stay back time for other practices such as arrange the team patterns and perform skillful and difficult actions without wasting the time to train individually. At last, we were able to make the whole thing perfect before the cheerleading competition and finally won a first place. The most value things I learned in this activity is the importance of teamwork. Many of the moves are so difficult that it requires teamwork just to pull them off. If the action are not consistent, one might get injured. We learned to trust on each other and work as a team. Cheerleading also develop my leadership skills. As a leader, I had persuaded my members to follow me by proving my ability such as the way in handling problems, good communication skills and so on. I believe these soft skills will leads me to the way of success in the field of study as well as career.

    I never dream to further my study overseas since it will definitely cost a lot. However, this fully-fund scholarship provide me a golden opportunity to study at Korea without any concern about money. Once I know about this scholarship, I start to search for the information of the higher education in Korea, and I found that the quality of education in Korea is much more better than Malaysia and even the best among Asia. Many of the Korea universities have a long history, high reputation and equipped with modern teaching aids and laboratory. Korea is also a developed countries which have advanced in their technology compared to other Asian countries in the development of technology. This can be seen by the success of Samsung and LG. Korea undoubtedly provides the perfect breeding ground for high-tech and creative fields. I believe that study in Korea will give me an edge over others in the workforce. As a newly industrialized country, Malaysia is now banking on technology and professionals to achieve its ambitious goal of attaining high-income status by 2020. In future, I wish to do my bit in advancing the development of chemical industry in Malaysia. I believe that study in Korea will enable me to piggyback onto developed technology and contribute for the development of my country. Apart from that, I would also like to make contribution to the field of research and development for these two countries using my educational experience and skills. I am very much sure that I can contribute extremely well in the scientific research and development in Korea with my improved knowledge after study here if I am given the opportunity.[/SIZE]
    Last edited by Evelynnnnn; 26-Sep-2015 at 16:13. Reason: Enlarged font to make it readable

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    #2

    Self-intro essay. Please help!

    ***** NOT A TEACHER *****

    Hello,

    I am sure that someone will shortly (soon) check your essay.

    I ONLY wanted to make a few respectful points.

    I think that university administrators are very busy. Therefore, they may not want to read long letters.

    I am no writer, but I think that nowadays people appreciate to-the-point notes.

    Let's look at your first sentence: (a) There is no need to write "First of all." (b) I would suggest something (something!) like:

    "I wish to thank you for the opportunity to apply for this scholarship in order to study at Oxford University."

    Let's look at your second paragraph: There is no need to refer to your country as a "third-world country." The administrator reading your letter already knows that your country is a "developing country." Some (some!) administrators might think that you are trying to make him/her feel sorry for you if you tell him/her that you come from a "third-world" country.

    Maybe your second paragraph could be something (something!) like:

    "I am Mona Smith, 19. I live with my father (a designer), my mother (a homemaker), and a younger brother, who attends high school. I earned an 0-level equivalency certificate at Mt. Austin High School and am currently studying for an A-level equivalency certificate. I will graduate at the end of this year. I will be the first person in my family to attend a university. [That last sentence means: If I get this scholarship, then I will be the first person in my family to attend a university.]

    I respectfully suggest:

    1. You should make your writing "tighter." I think that your letter could be 50% shorter -- and more effective.
    2. When an administrator sees a very long letter with many unnecessary words, s/he may think that you just sat down, wrote some words that came to your mind, put it in an envelope, and mailed it.
    3. Maybe an administrator would be more impressed if your letter showed that it went through several drafts. That is to say, you should keep changing it until you think that you have a letter that has NO unnecessary words.
    4. For example, don't tell the administrator that you "performed well." Just list your achievements. S/he will understand that you performed well.

    Best of luck to you!

    I hope that "Oxford" accepts you.

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    #3

    Re: Self-intro essay. Please help!

    Thanks for your time! I do know that my essay is too long but I don't know where to cut down.
    The scope of essay is updated. Can you please give me some comment regarding this? Thanks again
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 19-Sep-2015 at 15:25. Reason: Removed unnecessary quote

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    #4

    Re: Self-intro essay. Please help!

    ***** NOT A TEACHER *****

    Hello,

    Thank you for your kind note.

    I notice that you quoted my entire first post. Since you are a new member, you may not know that the moderators do not want us members to do that. We are allowed to quote only parts that we are referring to. Don't feel bad. Many new members do the same thing until they are reminded of that unwritten rule.

    In this digital age, people really, really do not want to read long letters. They like brief notes. I understand, of course, that you cannot be TOO brief. That would be insulting. It IS difficult to find just the right length.

    As I said before, someone else will soon come along with some excellent suggestions. With your permission, let's look at your last paragraph. Here are some ideas (which may be wrong).

    1. It is not necessary to tell them that a scholarship allows you to study without having to pay tuition. They know that. Those words just fill up the page and take the administrator's time.

    2. It's great to compliment Korea, but do not "butter up" the administrator TOO much. S/he might think that you are being so complimentary only because you are trying to impress him/her (although you ARE trying to impress him/her). Of course, I am speaking from an American perspective. Do some cultures welcome and EXPECT a lot of complimentary phrases?

    3. OK, if I were applying, I might write something (something!) like:


    "I have applied for a scholarship to a Korean university because your institutions of higher learning are rated among the best in Asia. The success of Samsung and LG Korea, for example, attest to Korea's leadership in technology. I feel, therefore, that having a Korean education will give me a definite edge as I work in my country's chemical industry to help it achieve its goals.

  1. teechar's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Self-intro essay. Please help!

    First of all, I am writing to would like to express my appreciation for this opportunity to apply for for the scholarship to study at X University. andthis scholarship.

    My name is ( ), and I'm a 19 year old girl from a developing third world country, Malaysia. There are four members in my family-- my father, mother, younger brother and me. My father is a designer while my mother is a housewife. My brother is a student studying in high school, and I will be the first in my family to go to university. I graduated from a five-year secondary education system at Mount Austin High School in my country after earning my SPM certificate (equivalent to with the UK O levels). Currently, I am taking a one and a half year STPM course (equivalent with to the UK A levels) and will graduate at the end of the year.

    Malaysia is a multi-ethnic country with three major ethnic groups-- Malay, Chinese, and Indian. Living in this multicultural society makes me learn has taught me to tolerate and accept the difference in religion and cultures of others, and I believe I will adapt well to the life in Korea . As a Malaysian, I can speak 3 languages fluently, which is are English, Mandarin and Malay. My proficiency in English is proven in the reflected in my MUET exam(Malaysian University English Test) result where I received band 4 in the test. Moreover, Mandarin is my mother tongue, and I've received formal training in Mandarinstudied since enrolling at Foon Yew 5 Primary School in Malaysia in 2007. Itis a Chinese primary school covered around of the Chinese atmosphere.[/STRIKE] The first language to communicate of communication in the school is Mandarin, then English and Malay. After finishing my primary education, I attended Mount Austin High School which uses English and Malay as the main languages of instruction. Knowing more than one language have has enabled me to have better communication with foreigners. I strongly believe that my knowledge these languages advantages will promote international cultural and academic exchange enable me to and make friendships and succeed at the university.

    I had have consistently performed well in both academic and co-curricular activities. throughout my school life. I scored a straight As in government examination the UPSR (Primary School Evaluation Test), in my primary school, [STRIKE]. Besides, I had also maintain my academic standing in my secondary school. I was able to get straight A'sin government examination of in PMR (Lower Secondary Assessment), and in SPM (Malaysian Certificate of Education). I am always one of the top students in the class. For my outstanding achievements, I was awarded a scholarship to study AUSMAT in Sunway University but I refused it. The reason is I wish to further my study in public universities, which would save me a lot of cost, but AUSMAT is not accepted in public universities.

    As a saying goes, “All works and no play makes Jack a dull boy", and I was never a "dull boy". Additionally, I'm proud of my other achievements too. I had held the post of class monitor for two years and was always the teacher’s right-hand person man in the class. school. I had was also involved myself in many activities of in different society and clubs. I was chosen to be the vice-president of Koperasi Club in year 2010 and 2011. “Koperasi” is a Malay word meaning the store in the school that sells some stationary and books to the students. There is a duty table where every member of the club has to take turn to keep the shop. As one of the board of directors, we had held a lot of organized many activities such as selling handmade paper flowers on Teacher’s Day. From these activities, I gained the valuable business management skills. to run a business and this also help to develop my soft skills which will never be teach within four corners of the classroom. Besides, I am also a registered scout under with the Johor Scouts Association. Involving myself in the scouts activities like marching hiking and camping makes has made me a disciplined and independent person. I am sure that living abroad will not be a problem for me.

    Additionally, throughout my high school, career, I have been an active member in the cheer squad. I joined was with the squad for 3 years in secondary school, and I was chosen as the leader in 2010. When the time I was being a leader, I met a lot of obstacles. One of them The one that troubled me the most is there was that we only had a little time for us to learn the dance steps before Sports Day where is absolutely not enough for us with hardly any time to practice. I had settled managed to resolve this problem by recording a dance steps tutorial for my team members, so that they could learn it at home. We also stayed back in the school for rehearsal. Since the dance steps has been could thus be learned at home, we could use the limited stay-back time for other practices such as arranging the team patterns and perform practising skillful and difficult actions without wasting the time to train individually. At last, we were able to make the whole thing perfect before the cheerleading competition and finally won first place. The most valuable lesson things I learned in this activity from that experience is the importance of teamwork. Many of the moves are so were very difficult that it and required a coordinated effort to get right. teamwork just to pull them off. If the action are were not consistent, one might get injured. We learned to trust on each other and work as a team. Cheerleading also helped develop my leadership skills. As a leader, I had persuaded my members to follow me by proving my ability such as the way in handling problems, using my good communication skills and so on. I believe these soft skills will lead me to the way of success in the my field of study as well as in my future career.

  2. teechar's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Self-intro essay. Please help!

    I have never dreamed that I would get the chance to further my study overseas since it will definitely the financial cost is so prohibitive for me and my family. a lot. However, this fully-funded scholarship provides me a golden opportunity to study at in Korea without any concern worrying about the cost. money. Once I know heard about this scholarship, I started to search for the information on the higher education system in Korea, and I found that the quality of education in Korea is much more better higher than in Malaysia and even the best among the best Asia. Many of the Korean universities have a long history, high reputation and are equipped with modern teaching aids and laboratories. Korea is also a developed country leading the development of cutting-edge technologies in many fields. which have advanced in their technology compared to other Asian countries in the development of technology. This can be seen by the success of such giants as Samsung and LG. Korea undoubtedly provides the perfect breeding ground for high-tech and creative innovations. fields. I believe that studying in Korea will give me an edge over others in the workforce. As a newly industrialized country, Malaysia is now banking on technology and professionals to achieve its ambitious goal of attaining high-income status by 2020. In future, I wish to do my bit in advancing the development of the chemical industry in Malaysia. I believe that studying in Korea will enable me to piggyback onto developed learn advanced technology and contribute for to the development of my country. Apart from that, I would also like to make a contribution to the field of research and development for these two countries Korea and Malaysia using my educational experience and skills. I am very much sure that I can contribute extremely well in the to scientific research and development in Korea with my improved knowledge after studying here if I am given the opportunity.

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    #7

    Re: Self-intro essay. Please help!

    A few suggestions to the last part:

    Apart from that, I would also like to make
    a contribution to the field of research and development for (in?) these two countries Korea and Malaysia using my educational experience and skills. I am very much sure that I can contribute extremely well (significantly?) to scientific research and development in Korea with my improved knowledge (the knowledge I acquire?), after studying here if I am given the opportunity.
    Last edited by tedmc; 16-Sep-2015 at 05:29.
    I am not a teacher.

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    #8

    Re: Self-intro essay. Please help!

    Quote Originally Posted by TheParser View Post
    ***** NOT A TEACHER *****



    I notice that you quoted my entire first post. Since you are a new member, you may not know that the moderators do not want us members to do that. We are allowed to quote only parts that we are referring to.
    I have removed the unnecessary quote from that post.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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