Student or Learner
I've been studying English ever since I was 8. I love it, but I need to improve. I would love to become a literary translator, but while it's easier to translate from English into Italian, the opposite way around is very hard. So, in order to improve, I'm trying to translate an italian book into English and I was wondering if you could check these three sentences and see if they're correct. If they're not, could you please correct them?
1) I've been here for half an hour. I'm not cold. Despite the clear and stinging evening of mid November, the sun comes down the same way it comes up in May, without displeasing the sky or bothering the clouds.
2) I can't say why this place and not some other place. Choosing my grandparents' house would have been more natural, or even the square behind the railroad, where memories of a peaceful childhood would have rocked me in a soft and synchronic, far and close, bittersweet background music, belonging to my past — at times, patiently awaiting to emerge.
3) And yet, here I am! I was supposed to be here, before one of the less beautiful beaches of Salento. I've already been here, when I was a little girl, during a dark and starless summer night, treading barefoot on the fresh and subtle sand. I remember a small tower down the cliff, lightened by the weak light of a lighthouse. I am looking at it, my eyes meet the small tower but the lighthouse is gone.
1) The expressions "stinging evening" and "displeasing the sky" are unnatural. "Clear and stinging" might be better as "clear but bitter". I can't think of a good alternative to "displeasing". Perhaps discolouring.
2) " I can't say why this place and not some other place." Perfectly idiomatic and elegant. Great!
3). "Before" is the wrong preposition. "At" or "on". It is hard to see how sand can be subtle. And the small tower was illuminated or lighted, not lightened.
Last edited by probus; 07-Oct-2015 at 05:43.