Evaluate my composition

[Lumia625]

Hello,

My teacher told me to write a composition for him. I wrote the composition below. I want to know is my composition grammatical? Would you please assess it and mention my mistakes? I did my best job to write a perfect composition but don't know how much I was successful :-D

Thank you in advance,

========================

Bullshit​

The outside was cold. Hurriedly packed my bag and left the home. During walking on the route I was reviewing my assignments. Finally got the taxi station. Took a taxi. Casting a glance at the taxi driver, I Buckled my seat belt. I knew the taxi driver but not elaborately. He was a fair-haired man with hazel eyes.

Looked at him and said: “Are your children blonde too?”

“No, just one of them is somehow white” He smiled and replied.

“Is it because of your wife?” I asked.

“Yes, my wife is tanned” He responded.

“You should have married a white wife” I said, “Just a few Aryans are living in Iran. They should take care of their race.”
“I agree with you” Replied the taxi driver.

Frankly I didn’t perceive if he agrees with me why he has chosen a dark skin woman! But don’t know what happened that I decided to explain more about Aryans.

I started giving an account. “You know what? Aryans were some people who immigrated to Iran from southern Russia 3000 years ago. They were white, fair-haired like you. Some believe that Aryans are superior and I strongly believe in it. How about you?”

“I absolutely believe in it too” He seriously answered.

“They could manage to rule the whole world nearly 1000 years.” I continued, “Establishing such a great Empire isn’t an easy job. But a bunch of lizard eaters ruined all that glory.”

“Unfortunately” He responded sadly.

I told myself that this man is a patriotism rather than a religious person. Anyway we discussed some about race and the future of the world. I can’t remember that how did our discussion margin toward Yemen crisis.

“Do you know why Saudi Arabia encroached on Yemen’s boarders?” He asked.

“Because of Houthis.” I answered, “The emergence of a Shiite government in Yemen will strengthen the resistance axis in the region. Obviously Saudi Arabia can’t tolerate this condition.”

“You are wrong.” Said the taxi driver, “Let me clarify something to you. At this moment who many of us don’t care of the Imam of Time, some commanders in the Pentagon are planning to martyr him.”

“What a rot! Who said such nonsense words?” Interrupted his speech I uttered.

“Nonsense?” He laughed and said, “Hopefully you know that two Apostles of Imam are from Yemen and Saudi Arabia is afraid of them. That’s the reason of the invasion.”

Became dumb after hearing such weird elucidation! Couldn’t believe that such a purebred man has got these poisoning ideas.

Paid the fare and left the taxi.

 

[Raymott]

Sorry, we can't do homework here, Lumia. If your teacher told you to do it, he obviously wants to see what you can do.
If he marks anything wrong that you disagree with, you can post that part again for comment.

 

[Lumia625]

Sorry, we can't do homework here, Lumia. If your teacher told you to do it, he obviously wants to see what you can do.
If he marks anything wrong that you disagree with, you can post that part again for comment.

Dear Raymott, I do not betray myself. My teacher is a non native speaker of English and obviously he can't find and correct my mistakes like a native speaker.

I will show him both my original writing and the corrected form of it.

I want to improve my knowledge. The grade is nothing for me.

I appreciate your corrections.

Hopefully you help me in the next post.

 

[Raymott]

Yes, I understand your point - really. But it's a forum policy. If we started correcting people's homework prior to submission, we'd very soon get nothing but homework corrections.
I'll look over your story after your teacher has marked it.

 

[Lumia625]

Yes, I understand your point - really. But it's a forum policy. If we started correcting people's homework prior to submission, we'd very soon get nothing but homework corrections.
I'll look over your story after your teacher has marked it.

Ooo I can't wait until Thursday :-D

Just tell me is my composition formal? Or even literary?

I'm fond of formal English :roll:

 

[emsr2d2]

I wouldn't call it formal. Missing out the subject almost each time it would normally appear is, presumably, a specific style that you have chosen to use. I can't say I like it. Sorry.

 

[Lumia625]

Hello,

Here is my teacher corrections.
-----------------------------------------

1) My teacher told me that it would be more poetic if you eliminate the article "The" from the beginning of your sentence.

[STRIKE]The[/STRIKE] outside was cold.

========

2) As @emsr2d2 said, missing out the subject was one of my problems and my teacher didn't like it and said in some cases they are even ungrammatical.

I Hurriedly packed my bag and left the home. [STRIKE]During[/STRIKE] walking on the route, I was reviewing my assignments. Finally I got the taxi station and Took a taxi. Casting a glance at the taxi driver, I Buckled my seat belt. I knew the taxi driver but not elaborately.

I want to know did I use the word "elaborately" in the correct form?

==========

3) He said that you must have used the "must" in the following sentence but I think "should" was correct too :-(

"You [STRIKE]should[/STRIKE] must have married a white wife"

==============

4) He mentioned that after "giving an account" we must put the preposition of "of" as below:

I started giving an account of.

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5) He put the "and" instead of comma in the following sentence:

They were white[STRIKE],[/STRIKE]and fair-haired like you.

=================

6) He told me that I don't know is it correct to use "some about" in this issue and you should check it later.

Anyway, we discussed some about race and the future of the world. I can't remember that [STRIKE]how was our discussion marginalized[/STRIKE] how our discussion was marginalized toward Yemen's Crisis.

============

7)

"what a rot! Who said such non-sense words?" [STRIKE]Interrupting his speech, I uttered[/STRIKE] I interrupted his speech.

=========

8) In addition I had a typo which I corrected it.


Above was my teacher's opinion. I will express my gratitude if you state your opinion towards my composition.

Thanks in advance,

 

[Raymott]

1. I also would omit "The", but for different reasons. We don't use "the" if we just mean "outside the house". "The outside" invites the question, "The outside of what?"
2. "Elaborately": no, it's wrong. "Intimately" works. "Well" is good.
3. As far as I understand (and I don't fully understand the bit about the wife), you are suggesting to the texi driver that he should have married a white wife to perpetuate the white Aryan race. In that case, you need "should", not "must". If the taxi driver is white, why would you postulate that a white child is due to his wife? And what has being tanned got to do with it? (A tanned person is a white person who's been in the sun.)
4. No you don't need "of" after account in this case.
5. Yes, you need 'and', or some punctuation apart from a comma. A dash would do. "They were white - fair-haired like you."
6. Some should be "something", or "a bit". "I can’t remember that how [STRIKE]did [/STRIKE]our discussion [STRIKE]margin[/STRIKE] transitioned toward the Yemen crisis." "Marginalise" is wrong in both cases.
7. Interrupting his speech, I uttered "What [STRIKE] a [/STRIKE] rot!"

 

[emsr2d2]

Was your teacher happy with your essay title? The word "Bullsh*t" is relatively offensive to some. I certainly wouldn't have got away with using it as a title for an essay for a teacher.

 

[Lumia625]

If the taxi driver is white, why would you postulate that a white child is due to his wife? And what has being tanned got to do with it? (A tanned person is a white person who's been in the sun.)

His children were not white but one of them because his spouse was not White. I said to him that if you had married a White woman you would have had Aryan kids.

I thought that 'dark skin' and 'tanned' have same meanings but the later one is more formal. I didn't know that they have got different senses.

 

[Lumia625]

Was your teacher happy with your essay title?

Frankly he didn't say anything about it. I promise to not use this word in the academic circles again.