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  1. caban's Avatar
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    #1

    Couple of sentences to correct which are part of my essay

    Hello everyone!

    This is my first post, but I hope it won't be my last! I am planning to become a professional english writer of non-fiction and this forum seems to be a great opportunity to learn a great deal about both the craft itself and the technical side of proper language usage. I would like to thank everybody here who spend their free time to help others in their struggles to become a better english speakers. You are doing a great job.

    I have just finished writing my next essay for my blog and there are couple of sentences and one whole paragraph which I suspect might be grammatically incorrect. I am from Poland and the biggest problem for me is the syntax, since in my language it is more flexible, but of course I make lots of other mistakes as well. The essay is about the comparison of two religions: Christianity and Hinduism, but I don't think any of the things I wrote should offend anyone. If so, please tell me, and I will either correct or delete it.

    Here are the sentences. Thank you in advance for help!

    In Ancient Greece philosophy, science, and religion coexisted in peace and harmony, and, for the most part, each could flourish on its own without being interfered by the remaining two.

    It (Hinduism) contains many subdivisions which focus around worshipping one of the divinities, although not in the Christian meaning of “having no other gods” before the only and true one, and so the sense of the remaining pantheon is sustained.

    Neither of the religions can be explained and understood by the one and only right interpretation. Similarly neither of them promotes a single way of conduct. Within both Christianity and Hinduism we can find various bigger and smaller traditions. In the former examples are Catholicism, Protestantism, and Orthodox, in the latter Shaivism, Vaishnavism, and Shaktism. Nevertheless, each of those branches grows up from the same definitional roots constituting the religion to which it belongs. In other words its essence remains the same. You see, every tree has many branches, which, though different one from another, are built from the same wood. Once you cut it from the ground a new life, made from new wood, has to be born.

    Similarly, he is something separate from his invention, which puts him in a superior position over the latter.

    The self is both the essence of your being and everything you are surrounded by. It is what is inside and outside you: your ego, feelings, thoughts, and body organs, but also your friends, nationality, place of living, surrounding fauna and flora, and so on.

    Since everything is ultimately a reflection of Brahman, all pairs of opposites are only superficially separate. Inherently they are the one and the same thing.

    With all that in mind, you put the electronic screen-helmet on your head, and launch your perception to the dimension of digital and unreal.

    Being completely immersed in your new personality, you are taken away by its fictional story, believing it to be real.

    Reality, with all its cultural artifacts and tears-flooding stories, with its biochemical operas and awe-evoking galactic tremors, is nothing but an illusionary amusement park, dreamed by The God, just so he can forget about his true nature and have a little time to play the very addictive game of existing.

    This disparity between the two is based on the division in their understanding of dualism and time.

    There is no light without darkness, because to discern light, you need to have darkness you can shine on.
    Last edited by caban; 10-Nov-2015 at 20:35.

  2. Piscean's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Couple of sentences to correct which are part of my essay

    Welcome to the forum, caban.

    I'll leave the comments to others who are better at that sort of task than I. I'll just suggest that, in future, you put the sentences you are asking about in italics like this or in quotation marks "like this". If you QUOTE them
    like this
    people cannot re-quote them to add corrections.

  3. Dena11's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Couple of sentences to correct which are part of my essay

    Hi Caban, your blog sounds really interesting! I'll tackle the first sentence.

    In Ancient Greece, philosophy, science, and religion coexisted peacefully. Each flourished without interference from the other two.

    Editor and writer. Not a teacher.

    “Remove the comma, replace the comma, remove the comma, replace the comma...”
    - R.D. Ronald


  4. caban's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Couple of sentences to correct which are part of my essay

    Thank you guys for the comments and help. I edited the post as instructed Piscean.
    :)

  5. Piscean's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Couple of sentences to correct which are part of my essay

    Good idea. I'll join in for two sentences.

    In Ancient Greece philosophy, science, and religion coexisted in peace and harmony, and, for the most part, each could flourish on its own without being interfered by the remaining two.

    I think Dena was absolutely right to break this up into two sentencesand to put a cooma after Greece. Stylistically I agree with one of her deletions, but I think you could retain a couple:

    In Ancient Greece, philosophy, science, and religion coexisted in peace and harmony. Each could flourish, for the most part, without interference from the other two.

    I prefer Dena's version to mine, but mine is closer to what you appeared to want to say.


    It (Hinduism) contains many subdivisions which focus around worshipping one of the divinities, although not in the Christian meaning of “having no other gods” before the only and true one, and so the sense of the remaining pantheon is sustained.

    I'd break this into two sentences as well:

    It (Hinduism) contains many subdivisions which focus around worshipping one of the divinities, although not in the Christian meaning of “having no other gods” before the only and true one. In this way, the sense of the remaining pantheon is sustained.

    I would say focus on.

  6. caban's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Couple of sentences to correct which are part of my essay

    Thank you Piscean. In general then the goal is to write shorter sentences, as to provide a better flow for reading?

    I would be also thankful for comments on the corrections explaining why is it better that way, and general suggestions what I should especially work on with my writing? I think this way I could more quickly understand my mistakes and bad habits, and improve them adequately :)

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