Results 1 to 8 of 8
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran

    • Join Date: Jul 2015
    • Posts: 123
    #1

    Arash the Archer

    Hello,

    It is my essay regarding one of the most famous Iranian heroes, Arach the Archer. I showed it to my teacher and he told me that your essay has got no problem but I decided to deliver it to you teachers too. Would you please assess my composition?

    I'm really fond of literary writing. Can my writing be construed as a literary or even a formal essay?

    Thank you in advance.

    =====================
    Arash the Archer

    Arash slept before the fall of night because he had to get up early following day. The darkness deepened but he could not yet sleep. Finally he closed his eyes and soaked in the dream of dedication. A dedication that would wrest his life.

    It was tomorrow. The evening shadows and the stars disappeared and Arash the Archer was ready to start his crucial journey. He took his bow and got ready to leave the house, but suddenly an utterance broke the silence and stopped him.

    “You wanted to leave me without saying good bye?” His wife said with a lump in her throat. “I am afraid of this journey, Arash. Stop doing that for the sake of God.”

    Arash turned his face towards his wife and took a long look at her blue eyes filled with tear. He wanted to stay but his honour bounded him to finish the given commission.

    “You are the kindest she alive.” Arash said kissing her on the forehead. “I will be right back soon. Do not worry, my lady.”

    A cold wind was blowing out of the North and it made the trees rustle like living things. Arash had a chill. Nine days he had been on the road and the fierce cold made his hackles rise. He was asked to go to the Damavand, The highest mountain of Iran, and fire the special-prepared arrow in order to make a distinction between the border line of Iran and Turan.

    He finally reached the foothill of the Damavand. “How big a mount are you, sleeping giant” Casting a glance at the top of the mountain, he mumbled.

    While climbing the mountain, something was tempting Arash to refuse this job. Something cold and implacable that loved him not. Arash repudiated all those temptations and was decisive to complete his mission.

    When Arash reached the top of the Damavand, it got dark. “No time to rest.” He said. “I must be fast.”

    Raising his head to the sky, Arash was praying. “You, almighty God, laudation is only for you. Help me to complete this burden of responsibility.”

    After praying, twilight deepened. The sky became cloudless and stars began to come out, a half-moon rose but still a cold wind whispered through the trees and blasted a whistle sound to his ears. It seemed that God had listened to his words. Arash was grateful for the light. “I can do my job better, surely” Arash said, when the moon was full risen.

    He hold his bow, stung it and put an arrow in the string. Yelling with pain, he used all his might to fire the special-prepared arrow. How glorious was that moment! The hero who was thinking of nothing but his nation. The sworn man losing life did not let his pride be wounded. After firing, he fell to the ground. He had lost all his power. Lying on the ground with half-dead body, he was watching the arrow running in the sky towards Turan.

    It was a short story of Arash the Bow. Based on the Persian ancient myths, the bow traveled nearly one day and finally after landing, it marked the future border between Iran and Turan.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran

    • Join Date: Jul 2015
    • Posts: 123
    #2

    Re: Arash the Archer

    Nobody wants surveying my essay?

  1. emsr2d2's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK

    • Join Date: Jul 2009
    • Posts: 41,813
    #3

    Re: Arash the Archer

    Does nobody wants want surveying to check my essay?
    I am very surprised your teacher couldn't find any problems with it. Is your teacher a native English speaker?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran

    • Join Date: Jul 2015
    • Posts: 123
    #4

    Re: Arash the Archer

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    I am very surprised your teacher couldn't find any problems with it. Is your teacher a native English speaker?
    No he is not. His first language is Persian.

  2. teechar's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 6,180
    #5

    Re: Arash the Archer

    Quote Originally Posted by Lumia625 View Post
    Arash the Archer

    Arash slept before the fall of night because he had to get up early the following day. The darkness deepened but he could not yet fall asleep. Finally, he closed his eyes and soaked in the dream of dedication. A dedication that would wrest his life later from the grip of certain death.

    It was tomorrow. The next day came. The evening shadows and the stars had disappeared, and Arash the Archer was ready to start his crucial journey. He took his bow and got ready to leave the house, but suddenly an utterance broke the silence and stopped him.

    “You wanted to leave me without saying goodbye?” His wife said with a lump in her throat. “I am afraid of this journey, Arash. Stop doing that Forget about it for the sake of God.”

    Arash turned his face towards his wife and took a long look at her blue eyes filled with tears. He wanted to stay, but his honour bounded obliged him to finish the given stay with mission. commission.

    “You are the kindest she woman alive.” Arash said, kissing her on the forehead. “I will be right back soon. Do not worry, my lady.”

    A cold wind was blowing out of from the north, and it made the trees rustle. like living things. Arash had felt a chill. Nine days he had been on the road, and the fierce cold made his hackles rise. He was asked to go to the Damavand, the highest mountain of Iran, and fire the a specially prepared arrow in order to make a distinction between mark the borderline of between Iran and Turan.

    He finally reached the foothills of the Damavand. “How big a mount are you are, sleeping giant!” Casting a glance at the top of the mountain, he mumbled.

    While climbing the mountain, something was tempting Arash to refuse abandon this mission - job. something cold and implacable that loved him not. Arash repudiated all those temptations and was decisive determined to complete his mission.

    When Arash reached the top of the Damavand, it got dark. “No time to rest”, he said. “I must be fast.”

    Raising his head to the sky, Arash was praying. “You, almighty God, laudation praise is only for you. Help me to complete this burden of a responsibility.”

    After Arash prayed, praying, twilight deepened into darkness, the sky became cloudless and the stars began to come out, a half-moon rose, but still a cold wind whispered through the trees and blasted a whistling sound to his ears. It seemed that God had listened to his words. Arash was grateful for the light. “I can do my job better, surely” Arash said, when the moon was fully risen.

    He hold his bow, strung it and put an arrow in to the string. And with a loud shriek, Yelling with pain, he used all his might life force to fire the specially prepared arrow. How glorious was that moment - the hero who was thinking of nothing but his nation, The sworn man losing who swore his life to his land and would did not let his pride be dented. wounded. After firing, he fell to the ground. He had lost all his power. Lying on the ground as a with half-dead body, he was watching watched the arrow running in the sky towards Turan.

    It That was a short the story of Arash the Bowman. Based on the According to ancient Persian ancient myths, the bow traveled nearly one day, and finally after landing, it marked the future border between Iran and Turan.
    .

  3. emsr2d2's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK

    • Join Date: Jul 2009
    • Posts: 41,813
    #6

    Re: Arash the Archer

    Given the number of corrections teechar has made above, you can see why I was surprised that your teacher found no problems. I suggest you show those corrections to your teacher.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran

    • Join Date: Jul 2015
    • Posts: 123
    #7

    Re: Arash the Archer

    Hello teechar,

    I really appreciate your fine work in the correction of my English essay, but I have got some problems with your corrections.



    1)
    He wanted to stay, but his honour bounded obliged him to finish the given stay with mission. commission.
    See the following sentences by George R.R. Martin:

    The order had been given, and honor bound them to obey.
    I tried to use "bound" in my sentence as similar as Mr. Martin did. I really do not know why you detected it wrong! I also do not know why "finish the given" is wrong!

    =================

    2)
    You are the kindest shewoman alive.
    See the following sentence by Shakespeare:

    "You are the cruelest she alive"
    I just changed "cruelest" into "kindest" but you detected "she" wrong and changed it into "woman". Why did you do that?

    =================

    3)
    A cold wind was blowing out of from the north, and it made the trees rustle. like living things.
    See the following text from the novel "A Song of Ice and Fire" by George R.R Martin which I used it without changing in my essay:
    A cold wind was blowing out of the north, and it made the trees rustle like living things.



    =================

    4)
    You, almighty God,laudation praise is only for you.
    I wanted to write so formal so I used "laudation" instead of "praise". See the following definition from Collins:

    http://www.collinsdictionary.com/dic...lish/laudation

    =================

    5)
    After Arash prayed, praying, twilight deepened into darkness
    I'm really curious to know why "after praying" has changed into " After Arash prayed" ? Is the first one ungrammatical? Would you please explain more about it?

    See the following sentence by George Martin:

    Twilight deepened.
    =================

    5)
    but still a cold wind whispered through the trees and blasted a whistling sound to his ears.
    I remember I had used something similar like "was blasting whistling about his ears" but I had gotten doubt about it. So I decided to ask it from a native English speaker. I found a woman from the united states and showed her the whole of the text. She told me that your sentence was wrong and it must had been written "blasted a whistle."

    I know that you are right but consider the woman was a native English speaker. I am confused.

    =================

    6)
    He hold his bow, strung it and put an arrow in to the string. And with a loud shriek, Yelling with pain, he used all his might life force to fire the specially prepared arrow.
    You eliminated the verb "hold" but you didn't put something else instead of it. "He his bow" does not make sense for me

    Why "yelling with pain" is wrong? would you please explain more about it?

    I also do not know why you have highlighted "h" in the "he" !

    ================

    7)
    Lying on the ground as a with half-dead body, he was watching watched the arrow running in the sky towards Turan.
    Are we not allowed to use past continues or present continues after participial phrases?


    Sorry for asking a lot.
    Last edited by Lumia625; 06-Dec-2015 at 16:16.

  4. teechar's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 6,180
    #8

    Re: Arash the Archer

    1- You used "bounded" not "bound."
    Bind, bound, bound.
    Bound, bounded, bounded.
    Yes, you could have used "bound" (not "bounded") in your sentence.

    2- "Finish the given mission" is OK, but I just think "stay with the given mission" sounds better. Alternatively, you can use "complete the given mission."

    3- Again, it's a matter of personal preference. To me, "blowing from the north" is better than "blowing out of the north." By the way, trees are actually living things!

    4- Stick to "laudation" if you're happy with it. It's not a word I acknowledge.

    5- Twilight doesn't pray.

    6- I crossed out "hold" because it's in the wrong tense, but I somehow forgot to correct it. It should be "held." Also, "yelling with pain" would indicate the he was sick or injured which he wasn't.That "h" shouldn't have been in boldface.
    7- I don't see the need for the past continuous in that context.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •