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    #1

    SOME EXTRACT of a Story :))

    Hi everyone!
    Here's some extract of a longer story can you please told me if it's clearly understandable and if there any mistakes?

    -"That perfectionism was certainly aheritage that I got from my mother. She was part of the non-affectionate mothers, she educated me in avery straight way, without any place for failure or mistakes. She was probablyright. She had to raise me by herself, alone as my father was nonexistent untilmy seventeen when she passed away. I could have change after her death and bemore lenient but I didnít. I guess it was part of me after all these years.At dinner she was used to look at each movement I could make and ifI had done a wrong movement or put my hands or my arms in an incorrectposition, she would hurl/fling at me a criticism. It always have made me feeluncomfortable to eat with people around a table since that time.
    Or when I had to do duty for school she would made me repeat againand again my lesson or made me rewrite again and again my assignments. That wasmy mother and I miss her."

    And the other one:
    -"I arrived on a cliff top with this open view, when I suddenly felt exhausted. This would happen frequently to me. I was kind of insomniac, usually woke up by my thoughts. And I was not a fresh, young man anymore and after this constant agitation lasted two hours, my legs were no more able to bear the weight of my body. "
    Thank you very much!


  1. teechar's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: SOME EXTRACT of a Story :))

    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_28 View Post
    "That perfectionism was certainly aheritage something (that) I got inherited from my mother. She was part one of those non-affectionate mothers, and she educated brought me up in a very straight strict way, without any place for failure or mistakes. She was probably right. She had to raise me by herself; alone as my father was nonexistent, until my seventeen when she passed away. I could have changed after her death and become more lenient with myself, but I didnít. I guess it was discipline had become an inherent part of me after all these years. At dinner, she was used to look at each movement I could make made, and if I had done made a wrong movement or put my hands or my arms in an incorrect position, she would hurl /fling at me a criticisms at me. It has always have made me feel uncomfortable to eat with people around a table since that time.
    Or when I had to do duty for school homework (to do), she would made make me repeat againand again reread my lesson or made me rewrite again and again my assignments again and again. That was my mother, and I miss her."

    And the other one:
    -"I arrived on at a cliff top with this an open view, when I suddenly felt exhausted. This would happen frequently to me. I was kind of insomniac - usually woken up by my thoughts. And I was not a fresh, young man anymore, and after this constant agitation lasted two hours, my legs were no more able to bear the weight of my body."
    Thank you very much!
    I don't see the connection between the last sentence and the first part of the second excerpt.

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    #3

    Re: SOME EXTRACT of a Story :))

    Thank you very much, that's much better!
    I'm sorry for the spaces (they disapeared when I copy-paste it), there also one sentence in the first paragraph which is not at its right place but it doesn't matter ;)
    It's normal if you can't see the connection, there are a lot of things between the two part but I am not allowed to post my complete story on the forum... :)) thanks again!

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    #4

    Re: SOME EXTRACT of a Story :))

    I probably forgot to mention that my story is written in a past tense and especially in that extract I am referring to an older past (not just a description in the past) but events that happened earlier in a past narrative situation. I am not sure to be clear. I hope I am, but I just wonder if it's not better to use past perfect ? I'm sorry I have trouble with English past tenses...
    Thank you

    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_28 View Post

    -"She had to raise me by herself, alone as my father was nonexistent untilmy seventeen when she passed away. At dinner she was used to look at each movement I could make and ifI had done a wrong movement or put my hands or my arms in an incorrectposition, she would hurl/fling at me a criticism. It always have made me feeluncomfortable to eat with people around a table since that time. Or when I had to do duty for school she would made me repeat againand again my lesson or made me rewrite again and again my assignments. That was my mother and I miss her."
    I could have change after her death and bemore lenient but I didn’t. I guess it was part of me after all these years."

  2. teechar's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: SOME EXTRACT of a Story :))

    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_28 View Post
    She had to raise me by herself; alone as my father was nonexistent until my I was seventeen, when she passed away. At dinner, she was used to look at each movement I could make made, and if I had done made a wrong movement or put my hands or my arms in an incorrect position, she would hurl /fling at me a criticisms at me. It always have has made me feel uncomfortable to eat with people around a table since that time. Or when I had homework (to do), duty for school she would made make me repeat againand again my lesson or made me rewrite again and again do my assignments again and again. That was my mother, and I miss her.
    I could have changed after her death and become more lenient with myself, but I didnít. I guess it was strictness had become a part of me after all these years.
    .

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    #6

    Re: SOME EXTRACT of a Story :))

    I don't understand, you didn't answer my question?

  3. teechar's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: SOME EXTRACT of a Story :))

    You don't need to back shift the tenses in your text.

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    #8

    Re: SOME EXTRACT of a Story :))

    Which means that I can keep it as you corrected it even if it's past situation referring to older events?

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    #9

    Re: SOME EXTRACT of a Story :))

    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_28 View Post
    Hi everyone!
    Here's some an extract of a longer story. Can you please told tell me if it's clearly understandable and if there any mistakes?
    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_28 View Post
    Thank you very much, that's much better!
    I'm sorry for about the spaces (they disappeared when I copy-paste copied and pasted it). There is also one sentence in the first paragraph which is not at its in the right place but it doesn't matter. ;)
    It's normal if you can't see the connection, there are a lot of things between the two parts but I am not allowed to post my complete story on the forum. :)) Thanks again!
    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_28 View Post
    I don't understand. You didn't answer my question.
    Note my corrections above to your three posts. It's important to follow these rules of written English at all times:

    - Start every sentence with a capital letter.
    - End every sentence with a single, appropriate punctuation mark.
    - Always capitalise the word "I".
    - Don't put a space before a comma, full stop, question mark or exclamation mark.
    - Always put a space after a comma, full stop, question mark or exclamation mark.

    We don't join separate sentences with multiple dots. Please don't use self-made emoticons in place of punctuation. If you want to use an emoticon, put a space after the final punctuation mark then click on and choose the appropriate one.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #10

    Re: SOME EXTRACT of a Story :))

    Right. Thanks.
    Last edited by audrey_28; 06-Dec-2015 at 20:38.

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