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    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
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      • China
      • Current Location:
      • UK

    • Join Date: Dec 2015
    • Posts: 1

    I need help correcting my cover letter

    Hi,I am Estella,I need help correcting my cover letter.Please can you revise content,grammer,format of the cover letter,and make some suggestions?Thank you so much!

    Dear hiring manager of Deloitte:

    After obtaining a Bachelorís degree in International Politics from the University of International Relations in Beijing, China, I am currently pursuing a Masters degree in Management of Projects at the University of Manchester, and will graduate in September, 2016. I am writing to apply for Consultant, Strategy & Operations, Finance, Consulting job in New York city , US.

    This position attracts me not only because Deloitte is a great company and I appreciate its culture, but most importantly I find the work challenging and exciting as I can apply my interests of business, my knowledge, experiences and innovation fully to this single job as well.

    I have requested work experiences of strategic planning, financial management and consulting. I am one of the two founders of The Little Kitchen Bento Shop, Manchester, United Kingdom, operate an online business that makes a profit of about £1,000 per month. First coming up the idea that open the shop, I take charge of the business planning, marketing, Bento producing procedure and conducting financial management including budget making, price analysis, distribution of profits etc, involved deeply in every process of the business. With various marketing strategies via social network applications such as creating campaigns toward target groups subscribing over 300 followers, designing incentives to engage customers in helping to advertise, providing give aways and changing menus to build customer loyalty, we produce, sell, and deliver around 50 bento box meal orders per week serving the University of Manchester community.

    Additionally, I worked as an assistant consultant in Hitachi Consulting in 2014. The position taught me how to conduct competitive analysis of existing companies in the e-commerce transportation and delivery space. During that time, I assisted Senior Managers and Associate Consultants in pre-launch analysis by interviewing venders to compare delivery and transportation costs between state-owned and private companies. From this, I learned how to function as part of a team, and develop the skills of consulting and strategic planning. Despite of this, I also had internship in Citic Group, China Entrepreneur Magazine,famous media like Xinhua news agency and local government. The experiences gave me a solid understanding of financial organizations and industries, as well as helped me develop presentation and analysis tools.

    I believe I am well suited for the position. As for leadership and teamwork, I was the vice president of Public Relations Association in my university and also Led a 4-person-team to present a tourist festival plan by conducting field investigation of the Summer Palace, gather qualitative and quantitative data for analysis, managed budget, researched project feasibility and evaluated the impact and profit, and became 3rd Prize Winner in Annual Beijing University Student Planning Competition.

    Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to demonstrating my passion and potential at the interview.

    Best regards,

  1. emsr2d2's Avatar
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      • British English
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      • UK
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    • Join Date: Jul 2009
    • Posts: 41,822

    Re: I need help correcting my cover letter

    The opening is poor. Don't use "Dear hiring manager of Deloitte". We use "Dear" before someone's name or before "Sir/Madam". If you're applying for a job, it's a very good idea to find out the name of the person in charge of recruitment. Their job title is probably "recruitment manager" or something similar. "Hiring manager" is not a job title used in the UK.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  2. teechar's Avatar
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      • Native Language:
      • English
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      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 6,180

    Re: I need help correcting my cover letter

    In addition to emsr2d2's comments, I also find the parts below unclear.
    Quote Originally Posted by Estellas View Post
    I have requested work experiences of strategic planning, financial management and consulting.

    evaluated the impact

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