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    #1

    Love

    Would you please correct the mistakes in my poem?

    Love

    The landscape is the endless sea of white.
    The river covered in thick ice.
    I have trudged for decades in this desolate place,
    Looking for the path,
    Waiting for the river to thaw.

    “You loser! You wretched fool!” a voice says to me.
    “Give up! Your sperm has dried out. You will leave behind nobody.
    You smell of death.”

    “Man! Go on! Fight!” another voice says. “Show me how much you love me.
    Tell me how it feels when your body trembles and your muscles strain.
    Scream! Howl! Cry! I am your true love.”

    Silence.
    Indifferent whiteness.
    My boots crunching the frozen snow, tramping the past,
    Leaving behind hopes.
    It is meaningless and futile – my battle has been lost.
    But I have to plod on.

    A bride waits for me behind the horizon.
    Her face is ugly, her voice croaky,
    Her limbs covered in oozing pus and gaping wounds.
    I have learnt to love her – my pain.

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Love

    I suggest two changes. Say "trampling the past" (instead of "tramping"). And say "beyond the horizon" instead of "behind the horizon".

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    #3

    Re: Love

    How about an endless sea of white in the first line? Is it really the only sea of white?

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    #4

    Re: Love

    Tdol,
    Thank you for your correction.
    My problem is still the use of the articles in English. You, as a native speaker, probably immediately notice the difference between "an" and "the", but for me that difference is difficult to see. Those the subtle differences, which for me are unfortunately still a mystery.

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    #5

    Re: Love

    The landscape is an/the endless sea of white.

    I do not think it is difficult to know which article to use there.
    Sea is a metaphor used for comparison with the landscape. It is a sea in general, not any particular sea, hence the indefinite article is appropriate.
    I am not a teacher.

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