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    #1

    need to evaluate my essay

    Hi, I have written a essay and need to evaluate. So, I do not know that use this forum to do this or not. So, I posted my question; but if it is forbidden in this forum, I want moderator to delete this thread.


    Topic of essay: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

    My essay:
    Different people have diverse opinions that if attending a live performance is more enjoyable or watching it on a TV. Some of them prefer to go to cinemas, theaters and so on to see their hero and celebrities in a live show and get signs of them; however, I really disagree with their mentality and I want to stay at home and see the concert on my TV. I am a lazy person and prefer to speak with my friend during a performance; in addition, I hate to waste my time in civic traffic to arrive in a cinema.

    First of all, I want to admit that I am an indolent person who prefer to live more and more convenient. For example, I never spend my time for sport and I always flee from going to gym. So I think it is better for me to loll on a sofa and watch a live performance on TV. Enjoying the performance in a quiet environment, such as personal home, without any physical activity to go to cinema, theater and so on, is a convincing pastime for such a lazy guy that I am.

    Furthermore, in a cinema or other public environment, viewers focus on the concert and we have to be silent and cannot speak with our friends or family members. In our house and watching the TV, we can converse with our friends about a common topic such as the concert. It means that at the same time that we watch the concert, we also can chitchat and improve our relationship with our friends. It is obvious that having common hobby with our friends can build positive relationship and it is the thing that most of us want from our friends.

    Apart from being lazy and have pleasant time with my friends, I hate civil problems that I have to tolerate in my city. I live in a city which suffer from heavy traffic and I have to waste much time to arrive to the nearest cinema and then stand in long queues, because this city is very crowded. For example, I am obligated to spend one hour to go to my office every morning and the same time to come back to home at evening. In addition, I do not want to suffer the harsh sound of the cars in the streets, which can leads to neurological problems, linger beyond the red lights, and smell stinky garbage and others.

    In conclusion, I think that the best fun activity, for me, during vocation is watching a live concert on TV with my sincere friends and drink beverage and eat sandwich together. I never change this pastime with wasting my time to go a cinema. The more staying at home and watching TV with my friends, the better vacation for me.

  1. teechar's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: need to evaluate my essay

    I can't clearly see the themes/boundaries of your body paragraphs. To me, they all seem to revolve around "convenience."

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    #3

    Re: need to evaluate my essay

    sorry I cannot understand what you mean! Would you please explain your comment more. Thanks.

  2. teechar's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: need to evaluate my essay

    Quote Originally Posted by tesoke View Post
    Sorry, I cannot understand what you mean! Would you please explain your comment more clearly? Thanks.
    I meant that you seem to have split one (convenience) idea, which should have been dealt with in a single paragraph, into three paragraphs! Surely you could have talked about, e.g., cost, better views ... etc.

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: need to evaluate my essay

    Not only is it more convenient to stay home rather than going to the cinema, but you also save money that way. Not only do you not have to pay for tickets, but you can make your own snacks.

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    #6

    Re: need to evaluate my essay

    Thank you, but I mean to evaluate the essay grammatically or the words which are opted. I know that I can improve the writing with increase more details but I wrote it in a limited time as a test. So, I can write in the real exam, GRE or Tofel, only this size of writing. If you see an error, grammatically or opting words or punctuation and others, I will appreciate if you say. Thank you very much.

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: need to evaluate my essay

    Ah, there are plenty of errors. I will offer some corrections.

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: need to evaluate my essay

    Perhaps:

    Some people prefer live performances. Others prefer to watch the same thing on TV.

  6. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: need to evaluate my essay

    When are you going to submit this essay to your teacher/tutor?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  7. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: need to evaluate my essay

    What are words which are opted?

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