[Essay] Is my Study Plan Good enough?

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Ameetffive

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My name is Ametepey Tetteh Derek, a twenty three year old Ghanaian who holds a Higher National Diploma (HND) in Surveying and Mapping, having completed the three year course at the Ghana School of Surveying and Mapping in September 2013. In school, I was a very comprehending and an academically disciplined student, but above all I have this passion for Land Surveying and its related fields.

I am currently working as a Survey Technician at Beacon Survey Limited a renowned Survey Company in my mother Country. For the past five years I have grown fond of Land Surveying and its ever changing industry, during these years, I have been both a student and a worker, which has only urged me on to pursue higher heights in Surveying and Mapping.

Engineering is pivotal to the development of every country and as a Ghanaian through and through I have always wished to contribute to the much needed development in this part of our world, getting to study a Bachelor’s Degree Program in Surveying and Mapping Engineering would definitely be the serendipity of my career.
I wish to further kindle, grow and exercise both my knowledge and practical skills, in which I intend to do so by keenly focusing on studies. In as much as all these getting to know more about the tradition and culture of the People’s Republic of China is going to help bed in my interests in Surveying and Mapping Engineering as it is so much cherished all around the world.
I bid to return to my mother country after I have successfully graduated and surrender all the skills, knowledge and rich experience I hope to gain during the years that I would be studying so as to be a living testimony to the healthy Ghana – China relations.
I dearly wish my application will be readily accepted and processed. Thank You.
 

Tarheel

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Say:

I have a passion for land surveying and its related fields.
----------------------------------------------

You started out making paragraph breaks. But you stopped doing that.

I'll be back.
 

tedmc

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That is called a personal statement, not a study plan.

Your sentences are generally too long.
 

teechar

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I see some unreadable (possibly Unicode) characters in that text. I'm curious to know if others see those too.
 

Rover_KE

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I do, too.
 

teechar

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My name is Ametepey Tetteh Derek, and I'm a twenty-three-year-old Ghanaian [STRIKE]who holds[/STRIKE] with a Higher National Diploma (HND) in Surveying and Mapping, having completed the three-year course at the Ghana School of Surveying and Mapping in September 2013. [STRIKE]In school, I was a very comprehending[/STRIKE] I have always been a highly attentive and [STRIKE]an[/STRIKE] academically disciplined student, but above all, I have [STRIKE]this[/STRIKE] a strong passion for land surveying and its related fields.

I am currently working as a Survey Technician at Beacon Survey Limited, a renowned surveying company in my [STRIKE]mother[/STRIKE] country. For the past five years, I have grown fond of land surveying [STRIKE]and[/STRIKE] especially because of its ever-changing technologies. [STRIKE]industry,[/STRIKE] during these years, I have been both a student and a worker, which has only urged me on to pursue [STRIKE]higher heights[/STRIKE] further knowledge of this amazing field. [STRIKE]in Surveying and Mapping.[/STRIKE]

Engineering is pivotal to the development of every country and, as a Ghanaian through and through, I have always wished to contribute to the much-needed development [STRIKE]in[/STRIKE] of this part of our world. Thus, getting to study a bachelor's degree program in Surveying and Mapping Engineering would definitely be very helpful to [STRIKE]the serendipity of[/STRIKE] my career.

I wish to further [STRIKE]kindle, grow and exercise[/STRIKE] enhance and apply both my theoretical knowledge and practical skills, [STRIKE]in which I intend to do so[/STRIKE] by keenly focusing on my studies, should I be accepted into your program. [STRIKE]In as much as all these[/STRIKE] I am also very interested in getting to know more about the traditions and culture of the People's Republic of China with its rich history and incredible modern renaissance. [STRIKE]is going to help bed in my interests in Surveying and Mapping Engineering as it is so much cherished all around the world.[/STRIKE]

I [STRIKE]bid[/STRIKE] plan to return to my [STRIKE]mother[/STRIKE] home country after I have successfully graduated, and [STRIKE]surrender[/STRIKE] utilize all the skills, knowledge and rich experience I hope to gain [STRIKE]during the years that I would be studying[/STRIKE] from my studies in China, so as to be a living testimony to the robust and healthy Ghana-China relations.

[STRIKE]I dearly wish my application will be readily accepted and processed. Thank You.[/STRIKE]

I thank you for considering my application and look forward to your positive response.
.
 

Tarheel

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I wouldn't say "successfully graduate". Either you graduate or you don't. Also, I would use "use" instead of "utilize".
 

Ameetffive

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Thank you all soo much really appreciate your support. More correction welcome too.
 

Tarheel

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Thank you all soo much really appreciate your support. More correction welcome too.

I suggest that that you study the suggestions you have received already and make good use of them. Also, if you have any questions regarding the suggestions you can ask them here (in this thread).
 

Ameetffive

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Ok. Please does my introduction" My name is .........." Still make it a study plan ????
 

Tarheel

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I see nothing wrong with that.
 

Tarheel

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The essay is not a study plan. It's a personal statement. (You said it yourself.)
 
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