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    #1

    Alif comes from a rich family

    Could anyone check my grammatical mistakes? Thank you.

    Short Plot
    Alif Zulkarnain comes from a rich family but discovers that money is not everything after meeting and falling in love with a village girl named Khadijah.

    Long Plot
    Alif Zulkarnain, from a well off family, who left behind his families legacy to pursue his love and relationship with a village girl named Khadeja. They pursued their love and eventually ended up in marriage. Alif’s family disapproves of his marriage to Khadeja and manage to find a deceitful way to cut relations between the two. From there, both Alif and Khadijah’s lives are tested with trials and obstacles.

  1. MikeNewYork's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Alif comes from a rich family

    Quote Originally Posted by Gaya87 View Post
    Could anyone check my grammatical mistakes? Thank you.

    Short Plot
    Alif Zulkarnain comes from a rich family but discovers that money is not everything after meeting and falling in love with a village girl named Khadijah.

    Long Plot
    Alif Zulkarnain, from a well off family, who left behind his family's legacy to pursue his love and relationship with a village girl named Khadeja. They pursued their love and eventually ended up in marriage. Alif’s family disapproves of his marriage to Khadeja and manages to find a deceitful way to cut relations between the two. From there, both Alif and Khadijah’s lives are tested with trials and obstacles.
    MNY
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 07-Jan-2016 at 22:58. Reason: Fixed typo

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    #3

    Re: Alif comes from a rich family

    "Well-off" should be a hyphenated word.
    "Who" should be deleted, otherwise the sentence is not complete.
    I am not a teacher.

  2. MikeNewYork's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Alif comes from a rich family

    Who is not bad.

  3. Piscean's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Alif comes from a rich family

    Alif Zulkarnain, from a well-off family, who left behind his family's legacy to pursue his love and relationship with a village girl named Khadeja.

    There is no main clause in that sentence as it stands. I agree with tedmc.

  4. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Alif comes from a rich family

    Quote Originally Posted by Gaya87 View Post

    Alif Zulkarnain, from a well off family, leaves behind his family's legacy to pursue his love and relationship with a village girl named Khadeja. They pursued their love and eventually marry. Alif’s family disapproves of his marriage to Khadeja and manages to find a deceitful way to cut relations between the two. From there, both Alif's and Khadijah’s lives are tested with trials and obstacles.
    Use the narrative present throughout.
    Find another way to say the underlined part the second time. It's too repetitive.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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    #7

    Re: Alif comes from a rich family

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    Use the narrative present throughout.
    Find another way to say the underlined part the second time. It's too repetitive.

    Thank you for your feedback. Yes, it’s should be in the narrative present. I’ve realized most of my mistakes now. Please take a look at the revised writing, thanks.

    Alif Zulkarnain, from a well off family, leaves behind his family's legacy to follow his love and relationship with a village girl named Khadeja. They pursued their love and eventually marry. Alif’s family disapproves of his marriage to Khadeja and manages to find a deceitful way to cut relations between the two. From there, both Alif's and Khadijah’s lives are tested with trials and obstacles.

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    #8

    Re: Alif comes from a rich family

    Quote Originally Posted by tedmc View Post
    "Well-off" should be a hyphenated word.
    "Who" should be deleted, otherwise the sentence is not complete.
    I always get stuck with the term of "who" in my writing. Thanks for the feedback.

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    #9

    Re: Alif comes from a rich family

    I would use "pursue" in the first sentence and consummate" in the second.
    You don't say "follow a relationship".
    I am not a teacher.

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    #10

    Re: Alif comes from a rich family

    Seems pretty much like Romeo and Juliet.

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