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  1. Anonymous
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    #1

    WRITING

    Dear Teacher,
    I wrote two articles for IELTS,can you give me some advices?
    Thanks you very much!
    Yours,
    Sunny
    [ 1] If you focus on modern education, you can find that high technology especially the computers are relied upon for teaching students. In this way, some people hold that we need not to walk in a tough way to set offices for teacher. As far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the fact that teacher are supposed to play an important role in education system.

    In the first place, teacher who is full of experiences can tell students how to go from A to B directly, reducing some unnecessary troubles. For example, children who are doing a troublesome subject would like to be oriented when their way is hold by a stone, teachers are the best choice. Under the help of teachers, we can better understand the essence of the problems and improve the efficiency.

    In the second place, a teacher seems to be a personality human being compare with a computer which always run in a non-changing way. Let us have a close look at it, students are willing to have the lessons which interesting like wordless sound poems but not the dull and freezing computer system. In this case, we can enjoy the process of study instead of studying for study.

    Finally, it is time for teacher to make the best use of high technology such as computer and Internet, which are highly expected to boost our abilities.

    From what has been mentioned above, we can see explicitly that teacherless system is not available to modern education style. Therefore, what is expectation we have is to have better cooperation between teacher and computer.

    [2]There is clear-cut evidence that, for a period of at least 70years,the development of the car has far-reaching effects on modern transportation system, which is necessary ingredient, relied upon for infrastructure construction. However, the utilizing of car triggers more serious problems by far the worst we had ever experienced. I am strongly in support of this circumstance, and now I give two reasons to demonstrate my view.

    In the first place, the car has seriously polluted all the things around our human beings. Let us have a close look at it, the gas released from the car most likely contaminate the air, which has been clean and fresh. Let us have another look at it, the car usually carries noise pollution. When it happens, some people complain of the air being ‘heavy’ and of feeling irritate, moody and on edge. Cleary, the car doesn’t live in harmony with the nature.

    In the second place, the increasing of the car boosts the needs of fuel such as oil. However, it is clear that there is a very poor match between oil supply and demand. Limited resources and ecological constraints can’t support the car, which appears to an increasing trend for a long-standing. Consequently, there would be a day that we exhausted all the fuel in the world. How can we survive with no resources? Needless to say, it is highly time that we did consider more about the car when drawing on it.

    All in all, I am firmly assured that the car troubles us to some sense and I also has an expectation that these problems will be settled by the developing technology.

  2. RonBee's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: WRITING

    I will make some comments, but please comment on my comments. :)

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny Liu
    I wrote two articles for IELTS,can you give me some advices?
    • I wrote two articles for IELTS,can you give me some advice?


    The word advice is not normally pluralized. (I guess you could say it's like water that way.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny Liu
    Thanks you very much
    • Thank you very much.


    You might change your mind about thanking me after you see my advice. :wink:

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny Liu
    If you focus on modern education, you can find that high technology especially the computers are relied upon for teaching students.
    If you focus on modern education, you will find that high technology, especially computers are relied upon for teaching students.

    When talking about computers in general use the plural. Say the computers if you are talking about some specific computers. (That advice applies to just about anything.) Also, I would, I think, use another word besides focus there. However, I can't think of any other word right now.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny Liu
    In this way, some people hold that we need not to walk in a tough way to set offices for teacher.
    Whoa! What does that mean?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny Liu
    As far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the fact that teacher are supposed to play an important role in education system.
    That lacks clarity and conciseness. Rewrite it to achieve both.

    If you register with the forum you will receive email notifications of messages.

  3. RonBee's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Feb 2003
    • Posts: 16,551
    #3

    Re: WRITING

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny Liu
    In the first place, teacher who is full of experiences can tell students how to go from A to B directly, reducing some unnecessary troubles.
    Please explain what you mean by that. Unless it is absolutely essential, I suggest that you do not use In the first place. (Say: "an experienced teacher")

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny Liu
    For example, children who are doing a troublesome subject would like to be oriented when their way is hold by a stone, teachers are the best choice.
    Children who are having trouble with a subject----? Perhaps you mean that teachers can give children personal attention that computers cannot.

    In any case, children don't really get a choice about whether to have a teacher or not, do they? Also, computers don't lose their patience.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny Liu
    Under the help of teachers, we can better understand the essence of the problems and improve the efficiency.
    Rewrite that for clarity.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny Liu
    In the second place, a teacher seems to be a personality human being compare with a computer which always run in a non-changing way. Let us have a close look at it, students are willing to have the lessons which interesting like wordless sound poems but not the dull and freezing computer system. In this case, we can enjoy the process of study instead of studying for study.
    Are you saying that students don't enjoy working with computers? (Unfortunately, that lacks clarity.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny Liu
    Finally, it is time for teacher to make the best use of high technology such as computer and Internet, which are highly expected to boost our abilities.
    Why do you use finally there? What abilities are you talking about? Be specific.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunny Liu
    From what has been mentioned above, we can see explicitly that teacherless system is not available to modern education style. Therefore, what is expectation we have is to have better cooperation between teacher and computer.
    You are using too many words. Be more explicit and get to the point. Say what you mean.

    :)

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