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    #1

    I need help on my grammar...

    The Brother
    Prologue: Year 2930, the past
    The Great War – WWI, 2920-2924

    Airplanes flew over the smoky skies, sirens roared over the city, and soldiers were on their anti-aircraft artillery, executing firing commands. Everything was in peril. A burst of many shots erupted into the skies from below, bringing bomber planes down one by one. Soldiers on the ground were spurred into action as they received orders from their superiors.
    The first bomber planes opened a bomb bay door, preparing to drop its payload from its strategic position in the ash-blackened sky. There was an audible clicking and clacking noise as the conveyor churned, positioning each bomb in its turn at the bomb bay doors in the belly of the aircraft. As the bombs were released, they whistled downward, swooping to the target like an eagle to its prey. Detonating with a loud boom on the military base beneath the planes in a choreographed chaos, the bombs destroyed multitudes of anti-air artillery weapons. Men from beneath the skies, they screamed in pain from the impact that landed it on them—they were all crying in terror. The bombs continued to rain down upon the base as the ground troops scrambled like ants in their effort to mount their counter-offense.
    Meanwhile, in the city of Zjąujian, civilians took cover in secret tunnels beneath the city that were built before the war began. The people moved through the tunnels with fear in their eyes, hoping they would survive. Families were towing their luggage, strapped onto small wagons, children were crying for their pets and toys, and elders were protecting their money and trying to hold onto their pride. These were desperate times when each person hoped they wouldn’t lose anybody or anything. The mass of these people moved slowly along the winding tunnels while the sirens and bombs continued to rumble above their heads.

    One of the fighters, who were late on schedule, was flying with his team to defend the city of Zjąujian in their propeller airplane. This pilot’s name was Cherkha Jei-Ru. He was the leader of this band of fighters, telling his people how to format an offense before getting into the frontline. There was a nametag on his brown leather jacket, which was sewn on the left side to his chest. His buddy, who was behind him, was on a gun turret; he was chewing his gum to where we could hear the crunching and squashing sound inside his mouth. He thinks he is way cooler than the rest of the band of fighters. Cocky son of a bitch. Him and Cherkha were talking to each other in their native tongue, Neinchian. They were chitchatting to each other through their headset while the wind was blowing their faces.
    “So, have you thought of digging some of those chicks you spoke earlier before we left?” said the guy who was chewing on his gum.
    “Yeah, I have. I got their phone numbers…well, some of them,” said Cherkha. “I am going to call them if we make it out alive from this shithole that all of us are in. If we die, we get no pussy to fuck.”
    The both of them laughed together on the plane as some of the fighters in the band laughed with them as well.
    “Yeah, I agree. You die, I die, we all die…we get no pussy. Sucks to be a virgin at these times.”
    “Oh c’mon guys, we will get some one day. Just pray to God that we make it out alive and live in one peace,” said one of the fighters who was in the midsection of the band. He spoke to them through the headset.
    Meanwhile, when they were flying over the thick white clouds, a huge, large, metal object was flying beneath them that caught their attention so suddenly. It was flying so adjacently between the both of them. The colors on its skin were as black as night and it has a shape of a saucer. It was as big as the entire band of fighters before the both of them have passed the thick white clouds between them. Many of them were astonished to see an airplane that was in a shape of a dish rather than an ordinary airplane with wings. Also, they have never seen an airplane that is as big as their entire team. Black, shiny, and smooth as it spun rapidly with colorful lights, to which no one in the team couldn’t explain what that thing is. Not even Cherkha, the leader of the band; he doesn’t know either. The entire team, who was following Cherkha, assumed that this was no ordinary airplane. This object they have seen was to assume that this saucer didn’t belong to their enemies, which they were about to face pretty soon. One of the fighters in the band, he jolted his gun at ten o’clock and pointed at the saucer downward from above, waiting for what it will do.
    “Holy shit! I have seen many airplanes like ours and others with wings…but I have never seen an airplane like this one,” said one of the guys on the headset radio with a thick accent, who was at the back of the team. “What is this thing anyway? I mean, I am feasting my eyes on this thing to understand how on earth can it fly without any wings. It’s extraordinary to see this, but I don’t understand at all. Captain Cherkha, please do explain what this thing is?”
    “I don’t know, but I hope it’s friendly,” said Cherkha. “I will send a message and a photo to report this to headquarters. Maybe they might know something; maybe they might explain what this thing is. I don’t know.” Then he took some photos as it was flying beneath them. He took quite a few pictures by measuring its body from head to toe.
    This flying saucer, as you know it, didn’t make a single sound. It was just flying smoothly as it cut through the wind while the sun shone upon the large dome in the middle of its body, causing a reflection to shine back against Cherkha’s face. No buzzing sound, no jets engine sound—nothing.
    “Well, whatever it is, my guns are pointing at it. Can I shoot at it, sir?” said one of the guys on the headset who jolted his gun earlier.
    “No, not yet. Do not shoot! We have to wait for what it will do first.”
    As they were feasting their eyes on this mysterious flying object that was flying below them, it went ahead of them in half a mile. The band of fighters who were pointing their guns at the saucer, they raised their weapons in motion as the saucer rose next to their altitude. Then, it released a sonic boom as it vanished in lightspeed, flying into outer space, leaving the men to ponder about it. Cherkha, the leader of the band of fighters, stared at the white smoke of what it has left behind, he continued to gaze upward into the heavens. The white smoke, that it is has left behind, came from the burst of light from the burning metal with the smell of burnt sulfur. He thought to himself by thinking they might have been visited by someone rather than somebody in this world. The puffy, white smoke, which was its remaining, has raped the skies as it disappeared from their sight, leaving them with some disturbing attention. As the entire band continued to gaze upon the skies, they continued to follow Cherkha as they saw the city ahead of them.
    “Whatever it was, whatever that thing is, it ain’t no Tyrenkian being,” said one of the guys who were in the middle of the band, speaking through his headset. “It looks like we have been visited by someone in the outside world.”
    “Strange shit…isn’t it?” said the guy who was chewing his gum. He was speechless with a jaw-drop.
    The End…
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 30-Jan-2016 at 13:17. Reason: Removed image file which did not work

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: I need help on my grammar...

    Two things. First, you need to make paragraph breaks. (Space between paragraphs.) Second, airplanes don't fly over the sky. If anything, they fly through the sky

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: I need help on my grammar...

    We usually say that the soldiers "manned" their anti-aircraft guns.

  3. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: I need help on my grammar...

    Note that your final line contains a word which is considered profanity/swearing. If you must write such words, please replace a letter (usually the vowel) with an asterisk. It usually looks like "sh*t" on this forum.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: I need help on my grammar...

    Please note that we don't say that a person chews his gum. Instead, we simply say that he chews gum.

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    #6

    Re: I need help on my grammar...

    Sorry for the profanity, but it's my creative writing that I need to fix. Is it okay if the profanity can just play along with it, even if it means it doesn't offend anybody? I mean, I am not hurting anybody's feelings, am I right?

  5. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: I need help on my grammar...

    You need to bear in mind that some people are offended by profanity, whether you find it offensive or not. We also have young learners on this forum. Simply use the asterisk trick in future and we won't have a problem with it.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: I need help on my grammar...

    You're not in the habit of giving "likes", are you? Either that or you don't think any of the suggestions are useful.

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