A young man

[Gaya87]

Please help me to correct my article if there are any grammatical mistakes. Thank you.

Short Plot
A young man and a practical student travel to four states to find rare helmets that his deceased friend wishes for. During the journey, they fall for each other, but it is impeded due to an event.

Long Plot
James, owner of a film editing company travels to four states to fulfil his friend’s wish that has passed away. His friend yearns to own four types of helmets that are rare and precious, and motorcyclist enthusiasts are crazy about them. Travelling with him is Shika, a practical student at his office who is on the quest to find the helmets, too. They develop a relationship, but it is impeded due to an event that Shika has secretly keeps.

 

[tedmc]

A young man and a female practical student travel to four states to find rare helmets that [STRIKE]his[/STRIKE] the former's deceased friend [STRIKE]wishes for[/STRIKE] wished to get. During the journey, they fall for each other, but [STRIKE]it is impeded due to an event [/STRIKE] their romance meets with obstacles.

 

[emsr2d2]

I have no idea why tedmc felt the need to add "female". It's not necessary to specific the sex of any character in a synopsis.

 

[Gaya87]

A young man and a female practical student travel to four states to find rare helmets that [STRIKE]his[/STRIKE] the former's deceased friend [STRIKE]wishes for[/STRIKE] wished to get. During the journey, they fall for each other, but [STRIKE]it is impeded due to an event [/STRIKE] their romance meets with obstacles.

I understand the reason why the word”female” added in your correction. Therefore I have re-written this, please take a look.

James and Shika travel to four states to fulfill his dead friend’s wish; to search and gather four rare helmets. During the journey, they fall for each other, but their romance meets with obstacles.

 

[Tarheel]

They travei to four states to fulfill his dead friend's wish to acquire four rare helmets.

 

[Gaya87]

They travei to four states to fulfill his dead friend's wish to acquire four rare helmets.

That sounds good to me. Thanks for your feedback. How about the Long plot?

Short Plot
James and Shika travel to four states to fulfill his dead friend’s wish to acquire four rare helmets. During the journey, they fall for each other, but their romance meets with obstacles.

Long Plot
James, owner of a film editing company travels to four states to fulfil his friend’s wish that has passed away. His friend yearns to own four types of helmets that are rare and precious, and beloved by many bikers. Travelling with him is Shika, a practical student in his company joins him in the search. Throughout the voyage, they develop a relationship, but their romance meets with obstacles that Shika has secretly keeps.

 

[tedmc]

Yes, there is an ambiguity in the second part of the sentence if the gender is not stated in the first part:

A young man and a practical student(gender unknown) travel to four states to find rare helmets that his (the ambiguity lies here) deceased friend wishes for.

 

[Gaya87]

Yes, there is an ambiguity in the second part of the sentence if the gender is not stated in the first part:

A young man and a practical student(gender unknown) travel to four states to find rare helmets that his (the ambiguity lies here) deceased friend wishes for.

Understood, sir, as a result I suggested to put the name, what do you say?

James and Shika travel to four states to fulfill his dead friend’s wish to acquire four rare helmets. During the journey, they fall for each other, but their romance meets with obstacles

 

[emsr2d2]

Yes, there is an ambiguity in the second part of the sentence if the gender is not stated in the first part:

I don't see the ambiguity. Two people fall for each other during the journey. Does it matter to the synopsis if those people are a man and a woman, two men, or two women?

 

[tedmc]

I don't see the ambiguity. Two people fall for each other during the journey. Does it matter to the synopsis if those people are a man and a woman, two men, or two women?

The "falling for each other" came later in the third part. While reading the second part, you wouldn't have a clue who "his" referred to (the young man or the practical student). I think "whose deceased friend" matters.

 

[tedmc]

Long Plot

James, the owner of a film-editing company, travels to four states to fulfil his deceased friend’s wish [STRIKE]that has passed away[/STRIKE]. His friend yearns to own four types of helmets that are rare and precious, and [STRIKE]be[/STRIKE]loved by many bikers. Travelling with him is Shika, a practical student in his company, who joins him in the search. [STRIKE]Throughout[/STRIKE] During the voyage, they develop a relationship, but their romance meets with obstacles that Shika has secretly keeps.

Gaya
What do you mean by "obstacles that Shika has secretly kept"? It does not make sense to me. It sounds like Shika created the obstacles.​

,​

 

[Tarheel]

I wouldn't use "deceased" there. As for the obstacles, I suppose we find out what they are in the story. (The obstacles are secrets she is keeping from him, right?)

 

[Gaya87]

Long Plot

Gaya
What do you mean by "obstacles that Shika has secretly kept"? It does not make sense to me. It sounds like Shika created the obstacles.​

​

Because there is a secret she keeps to herself. Thus, their relationship meets with problems.

If I remove this line.. " Travelling with him is Shika", does it makes sense?

..by many bikers. Shika, a practical student in his company, who joins him in the search. During the voyage,...

 

[emsr2d2]

I realise that we are into the second page of comments so it's a bit late to point this out but I have no idea what a "practical student" is.

 

[Gaya87]

I realise that we are into the second page of comments so it's a bit late to point this out but I have no idea what a "practical student" is.

Practical student = An internship student.

 

[tedmc]

I wouldn't use "deceased" there. As for the obstacles, I suppose we find out what they are in the story. (The obstacles are secrets she is keeping from him, right?)

1. Tarheel, what is wrong with "deceased friend"? What word(s) would you use instead? "His friend's wish that had passed away" sounds like the wish had passed away.

Or perhaps you can say: "the wish of his friend who had passed away".

2. Yes, Gaya, you can do away with "travelling with him is" since it means the same as joining him in the search.

3. How about "..their romance meets with obstacles from a secret that Shika keeps.

 

[tedmc]

A practical student is also called an industrial trainee I think. The term "intern" is relatively recent.

 

[Tarheel]

His dead friend. I wouldn't use "deceased" because it is legal terminology and not everyday language.

 

[emsr2d2]

I'd be happy with "dead/deceased/late".

 

[Gaya87]

1. Tarheel, what is wrong with "deceased friend"? What word(s) would you use instead? "His friend's wish that had passed away" sounds like the wish had passed away.

Yes, Gaya, you can do away with "travelling with him is" since it means the same as joining him in the search.

How about "..their romance meets with obstacles from a secret that Shika keeps.

Tedmc: Ok, I shall proceed to remove.
That sounds good as well. At the same time, my suggestio will be,
"During the journey, they develop a relationship, but their romance meets with obstacles when Shika keeps a secret. " what do you say?