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    #1

    Help with my paragraph

    Hello,

    I am writing a memoir. I wrote a paragraph. Could you guys help me telling any problem in my paragraph, please?
    ​Thanks
    Last edited by Apprentice123; 06-Feb-2016 at 23:16.

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    #2

    Re: Help with my paragraph

    The day that my father picked me up at elementary school happened was when I was only nine years old. For the first three years of school, back to home,going back home after class, was the same way (routine). My mother or my father took picked me up by car, and I returned to home safe and comfortable. In On a pleasant afternoon, everything was different. It happened like this. Like Usually, after class I went would go to the front door of the school looking out for my parents’ car. For ten minutes, I saw my friends went left for to home. More After more than twenty minutes waiting and no one showed up. Many things went through my head: from being abandoned at school to monsters have attacked attacking my family. I was only a nine-years old child with an extraordinary imagination.
    I am not a teacher.

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Help with my paragraph

    The first sentence doesn't work. "The day that my father picked me up at elementary school" means it only happened once.

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    #4

    Re: Help with my paragraph

    For the second and third sentences say:

    For the first three years of school it was the same every day. Either my mother or my father picked me up and took me home. Every day I arrived home safe and sound.

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    #5

    Re: Help with my paragraph

    Then one day everything was different.

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    #6

    Re: Help with my paragraph

    As usual, after school let out I waited for my parents at the front door of the school.

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    #7

    Re: Help with my paragraph

    For ten minutes I watched as my friends left to go home.

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    #8

    Re: Help with my paragraph

    After I had waited for more than twenty minutes nobody had showed up.

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    #9

    Re: Help with my paragraph

    Many things went through my head. I thought that I might have been abandoned by my parents or that monsters had destroyed my family. I was a nine-year-old with an overactive imagination.

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    #10

    Re: Help with my paragraph

    Quote Originally Posted by Apprentice123 View Post
    Thank you all. Your help was really good for me
    No. "Thank you all" doesn't work there. "Thank you both" would be okay though.

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