[Essay] Help with my paragraph

[Apprentice123]

Hello,

I am writing a memoir. I wrote a paragraph. Could you guys help me telling any problem in my paragraph, please?
​Thanks

 

[tedmc]

The day that my father picked me up at elementary school [STRIKE]happened [/STRIKE] was when I was only nine years old. For the first three years of school, [STRIKE]back to home,[/STRIKE] going back home after class, was the same [STRIKE]way[/STRIKE] (routine). My mother or my father [STRIKE]took[/STRIKE] picked me up by car, and I returned [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] home safe and comfortable.[STRIKE] In[/STRIKE] On a pleasant afternoon, everything was different. It happened like this.[STRIKE] Like[/STRIKE] Usually, after class I [STRIKE]went[/STRIKE] would go to the front door of the school looking out for my parents’ car. For ten minutes, I saw my friends [STRIKE]went[/STRIKE] left for [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] home. [STRIKE]More [/STRIKE] After more than twenty minutes waiting[STRIKE] and[/STRIKE] no one showed up. Many things went through my head: from being abandoned at school to monsters [STRIKE]have attacked [/STRIKE] attacking my family. I was only a nine-year[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] old child with an extraordinary imagination.

 

[Tarheel]

The first sentence doesn't work. "The day that my father picked me up at elementary school" means it only happened once.

 

[Tarheel]

For the second and third sentences say:

For the first three years of school it was the same every day. Either my mother or my father picked me up and took me home. Every day I arrived home safe and sound.

 

[Tarheel]

Then one day everything was different.

 

[Tarheel]

As usual, after school let out I waited for my parents at the front door of the school.

 

[Tarheel]

For ten minutes I watched as my friends left to go home.

 

[Tarheel]

After I had waited for more than twenty minutes nobody had showed up.

 

[Tarheel]

Many things went through my head. I thought that I might have been abandoned by my parents or that monsters had destroyed my family. I was a nine-year-old with an overactive imagination.

 

[Tarheel]

Thank you all. Your help was really good for me

No. "Thank you all" doesn't work there. "Thank you both" would be okay though.

 

[Tarheel]

Is that story a true story or is it fiction?

 

[Tarheel]

Abandoned at school

A new title for this thread.