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  1. Just Joined
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    #1

    please correct my essay

    Do you agree or disagree with following statement?
    successful people try new things and take risks rather than doing what already know how to do well.
    Nowadays, people prefer doing what they already know to do well rather than trying new things and take risks, but in my opinion, the more risks you experience, the more chance to become succeed in your life. Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. For example, Steve Jobs is dropping off the university to follow his inner gold, do a lot of new things and finally, he got successful in his life. This essay will explore the importance of taking risks and trying new things.
    First of all, the most important reason that businessmen must take new things is that consumerís demands for something new and innovation never diminish, especially for fashion and entertainment industrials. For fashion, the style maybe going out for even one or two weeks. Therefore, to keep up with the consumers want. Companies are forced their employers to bring out new ideas and often make bold moves. Also, why video games are so popular these days, because of their new and motivate video games especially on new consoles such as ps4 and Xbox one. For instance, batman the Arkham knight is best game for many players because, the company which provides the game is trying new things, gadget and story line in order to attract new players.
    Least but not last, why people should take risks because of the term ''competition''. Therefore, successful people must take new things in order to succeed in their business. Todayís, many companies are enrolling for business but, those who are using new methods, outline and new ways always is more successful than others. As an illustration, since I was kid, my father gave me and my brother some money and told us to do something profitable with your money. My brother put his money in the bank but, I decided to buy something that its value become more and more over period of the time such as gold ring and if I were my brother, I would try to buy something even more valuable than me.
    Conclusively, do successful people take more chance than those who do things they are accustomed to do well? The answer is absolutely yes. Todayís, taking the risks has become important part of daily life. Success does not come from nothing. Taking risks could be dangerous gamble, but it is the price we have to pay for success.Nowadays, people prefer doing what they already know to do well rather than trying new things and take risks, but in my opinion, the more risks you experience, the more chance to become succeed in your life. Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. For example, Steve Jobs is dropping off the university to follow his inner gold, do a lot of new things and finally, he got successful in his life. This essay will explore the importance of taking risks and trying new things.
    First of all, the most important reason that businessmen must take new things is that consumerís demands for something new and innovation never diminish, especially for fashion and entertainment industrials. For fashion, the style maybe going out for even one or two weeks. Therefore, to keep up with the consumers want. Companies are forced their employers to bring out new ideas and often make bold moves. Also, why video games are so popular these days, because of their new and motivate video games especially on new consoles such as ps4 and Xbox one. For instance, batman the Arkham knight is best game for many players because, the company which provides the game is trying new things, gadget and story line in order to attract new players.
    Least but not last, why people should take risks because of the term ''competition''. Therefore, successful people must take new things in order to succeed in their business. Todayís, many companies are enrolling for business but, those who are using new methods, outline and new ways always is more successful than others. As an illustration, since I was kid, my father gave me and my brother some money and told us to do something profitable with your money. My brother put his money in the bank but, I decided to buy something that its value become more and more over period of the time such as gold ring and if I were my brother, I would try to buy something even more valuable than me.
    Conclusively, do successful people take more chance than those who do things they are accustomed to do well? The answer is absolutely yes. Todayís, taking the risks has become important part of daily life. Success does not come from nothing. Taking risks could be dangerous gamble, but it is the price we have to pay for success.

  2. teechar's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: please correct my essay

    Quote Originally Posted by aras15 View Post
    Nowadays, people prefer doing what they already know to do well rather than trying new things and take risks,
    You need to qualify that statement; e.g., "Some people prefer to stick to what they know instead of trying new things."

    Quote Originally Posted by aras15 View Post
    but in my opinion, the more risks you experience, the more chance to become succeed in your life.
    Give your opinion at/towards the end of the introduction.

    Quote Originally Posted by aras15 View Post
    For example, Steve Jobs is dropping off the dropped out of university to follow his inner goal gold, do and try a lot of new things and finally, he got successful achieved success in his life.
    Quote Originally Posted by aras15 View Post
    First of all, the most important reason that businessmen must take for entrepreneurs to new things is that consumer demand for something new and innovative on products and services never diminishes, especially for in the fashion and entertainment industries. industrials. For fashion, the In the fashion industry, a particular style maybe going out for even may last for only one or two weeks. Therefore, to keep up with what the consumers want, companies are forced their employers to must bring out come up with new ideas and often make bold moves. Also, why some video games are so popular these days because of their new and motivate video games creative content especially on new consoles such as ps4 and Xbox One. For instance, Batman the Arkham Knight is best game for many players highly popular and successful because the company which provides the game is trying keeps introducing new things, gadgets and story lines in order to attract new players.
    Quote Originally Posted by aras15 View Post
    Least but not last, why people should take risks because of the term ''competition''. Therefore, successful people must take new things in order to succeed in their business. Todayís, many companies are enrolling for business but, those who are using new methods, outline and new ways always is more successful than others. As an illustration, since I was kid, my father gave me and my brother some money and told us to do something profitable with your money. My brother put his money in the bank but, I decided to buy something that its value become more and more over period of the time such as gold ring and if I were my brother, I would try to buy something even more valuable than me.
    This paragraph is off topic.

    Quote Originally Posted by aras15 View Post
    Conclusively, do successful people take more chance than those who do things they are accustomed to do well? The answer is absolutely yes. Todayís, taking the risks has become important part of daily life. Success does not come from nothing. Taking risks could be dangerous gamble, but it is the price we have to pay for success.
    Start your conclusion with "In conclusion"; do not ask questions in it, and do not introduce new ideas. Just summarize the main findings.

  3. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: please correct my essay

    Aras15, when will you submit this essay to your teacher/tutor?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #4

    Re: please correct my essay

    Quote Originally Posted by aras15 View Post
    Do you agree or disagree with following statement?
    For example, Steve Jobs is dropping off the university to follow his inner gold, do a lot of new things and finally, he got successful in his life. This essay will explore the importance of taking risks and trying new things.
    .
    It is wrong to allude an example in the introduction, mainly in cause of TOEFL essay.{ sorry, I am not a teacher}

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