how to write a follow up email after interview,

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Yunfu

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hi ,

I just practice my email skill to write a email after interview, and the purpose of this email is to express the strength and willing to work in this company. Will you please comment freely. thanks.:-D

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Hi F,
Hope this email finds you well. I am going to flight back to ** on 18[SUP]th[/SUP] Feb, and this email is wondering if I have the honour to get this offer from you, and then I will arrange the on board schedule ASAP.
After catch- up with John M on 4[SUP]th[/SUP] Feb, I have a profile on the business operation in S office, and I am ready to take this opportunity if possible. If I am lucky, I will start with capturing the information of operation process and product in mother company, then I would analyse the sales history of M, T,S ( from David, these countries will be took care by me), and I will plan to visit existing customers after knowing their background and demands and also seek other new business opportunities etc.
Although S office is small and full of challenge, it comes with chance as well if staff and operation here are stable enough. To be honest, I want to develop A business through this office, and want to service in S stably and humbly. I may not have rich experience in sales part, but I can learn, and willing to learn. Together with the self- motivation character, I am sure my previous experience and dairy operation experience would help me to adapt to this new position soon.
I can commence the job in April (prefer in the mid of April) if I can hear your decision soon. By then, I will get the p visa. And I have made an appointment for ** Visa application this September, so ** doesn’t need to worry about my legal visa in S.
Looking forward to hearing your decision soon and if you want to know me further, please don’t hesitate to contact.

Have a nice day!

Regards

Yunfu
 

Tarheel

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I am not sure how strength comes in there, but you want to talk about your interest in and willingness to work for the company.

I am pretty sure that you can make shorter paragraphs.
 

Tarheel

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Say:

I am practicing my writing skills....
 

Tarheel

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Say:

I am going to take a flight back to XX on the 18th of Feb. and I hope to learn if I have the honor of getting this offer from you, etc.

Bedtime!
 

Yunfu

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thanks for your comments.
yes, you are right, no strength here but only showing the interesting. what do you mean"you can make shorter paragraphs."? actual I have no idea how to shorter them.
 

Tarheel

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Say:

Thanks for your comments.

Capitalize every word that starts a sentence.
 

Tarheel

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When you change the subject, start a new paragraph.
 

Tarheel

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Say:

I can start the job in April, preferably in the middle of the month.
 

Tarheel

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Your email is confusing to me because it is all over the place. You don't need to talk about everything. Just a few things. You might want to send two or three emails instead of just one. In any case, organize your letter so it is easily understood.
 
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