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    #1

    Months of abuse

    These two sentences popped up in my mind. Would you please correct my grammar and punctuation?

    Months of abuse in a prison camp dulled his emotions. Later, whenever he heard people complaining about a cold and headaches, he laughed inside himself.

  1. teechar's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Months of abuse

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    These two sentences popped up in my mind. Would you please correct my grammar and punctuation?

    Months of abuse in a prison camp dulled his emotions. Later, whenever he heard people complaining about a cold and headaches, he laughed inside himself.
    I would change "a cold" to "colds" and "inside himself" to "in his mind."

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Months of abuse

    Perhaps:

    After spending months inside a prison camp everyday aches and pains meant nothing to him, and he was amused when he heard people complain about their colds and headaces.

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    #4

    Re: Months of abuse

    Tarheel,
    I appreciate your contribution, but my version is more concise. I think that if my sentences were part of a short story, my version would be better. But this is only my feeling.

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    #5

    Re: Months of abuse

    Is "laugh in one's mind" a standard expession?
    Is there another way to express it?
    How about "laugh to oneself"?
    I am not a teacher.

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Months of abuse

    Quote Originally Posted by tedmc View Post
    Is "laugh in one's mind" a standard expession?
    Is there another way to express it?
    How about "laugh to oneself"?
    That's good.

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Months of abuse

    You could also say:

    He laughed to himself.

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: Months of abuse

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Tarheel,
    I appreciate your contribution, but my version is more concise. I think that if my sentences were part of a short story, my version would be better. But this is only my feeling.
    I believe you are thinking about writing one. I think that by this point in the story the reader will already know about Van's experiences in the prison camp. Little will need to be said. What do you think?

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    #9

    Re: Months of abuse

    Tarheel,
    Just now I do not write any story, although they are buzzing constantly in my mind. I am trying to improve my written English so that in future I can avoid making so many mistakes. I ask these questions about some words after I have seen them in different texts. I write them all down, and I try to use them in my own sentences. It is good to know if I have used them correctly, or if I have made mistakes. You have to have a reference point so that you do not get lost in a maze.

  6. Roman55's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: Months of abuse

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Tarheel,
    I appreciate your contribution, but my version is more concise. I think that if my sentences were part of a short story, my version would be better. But this is only my feeling.
    If it's concision you're after, just change 'a cold' to 'colds' as teechar suggested, and drop the last word. '…he laughed inside.'
    I am not a teacher

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