[Essay] IELTS Writing Task 2 - Support by correcting an essay

[ielts-student]

Hi, friends of UsingEnglish.
Next week I will have my IELTS test and I am quite concerned about the writing section!
Well, I keep practising the essays with the aim of get somehow better haha.. but I would like ask your feedback!

Thank you in advance!
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You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic:
[h=3]Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmers (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or reaching sports to younger children).[/h]To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words:

The issue of volunteering as a compulsory part of the secondary education has been addressed for a long time. Even though while some people believe the schools should require the students to work in the community, others believe this should be kept as an optional experience for the adolescents. This essay outlines the arguments behind both perspectives and suggests a proper approach.

Several people are convicted of the benefits that a compulsory unpaid community service by the students can bring to the society. The main assumption under this point of view is the contact that teenagers can have with their communities, understanding the problems and collaborating to overcome local challenges. Martha Ryed, leader of a local NGO, confirms the mindset change of those students engaged with her organization: ``They develop a wider overview from the real world, obtaining maturity within some weeks of work. Every secondary student should experience this”.

However, skeptics affirm that turning a self-motivated volunteering programme into a massive, compulsory educational course will undermine its real meaning. They believe, one should highlight the benefits and prod students to fulfill such jobs. Activities as group-sharing or online publishment of prior experiences can foster the free participation of more adolescents.

I strongly believe the efforts of doing a community service should blossom from the own students and not through rules and regulations. The comprehension of local difficulties can definitely enhance the political and social perspective from the pupils, but one must also consider the drawbacks of forcing them to work unpaid.

 

[tedmc]

The issue of volunteering as a compulsory part of [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] secondary education has been addressed for a long time. Even though while some people believe [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE]schools should require the students to work in the community, others believe this should be kept as an optional experience for the adolescents. This essay outlines the arguments behind both perspectives and suggests a proper approach.

Several people are [STRIKE]convicted of[/STRIKE] convinced about the benefits that [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] compulsory unpaid community service by the students can bring to the society. The main assumption under this point of view is the contact that teenagers can have with their communities, understanding the problems and collaborating to overcome local challenges. Martha Ryed, leader of a local NGO, confirms the mindset change of those students engaged with her organization: ``They develop a wider overview from the real world, obtaining maturity within some weeks of work. Every secondary student should experience this”.

However, skeptics affirm that turning a self-motivated volunteering programme into a massive, compulsory educational course will undermine its real meaning. They believe, one should highlight the benefits and prod students to fulfill such jobs. Activities as group-sharing or online [STRIKE]publishment [/STRIKE] publishing of prior experiences can foster the free participation of more adolescents.

I strongly believe the efforts of doing a community service should [STRIKE]blossom[/STRIKE] come from the own students and not through rules and regulations. The comprehension of local difficulties can definitely enhance the political and social perspectives [STRIKE]from[/STRIKE] of the pupils, but one must also consider the drawbacks of forcing them to work unpaid.

 

[teechar]

The issue of making [STRIKE]volunteering as[/STRIKE] unpaid community service a compulsory part of [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] secondary education is one that has led to much debate. [STRIKE]has beenaddressed for a long time. Even though[/STRIKE] While some people believe [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] schools should require [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] students to work in the community, others believe this should be kept as [STRIKE]an[/STRIKE] a voluntary option. [STRIKE]optional experience for the adolescents.[/STRIKE] This essay outlines the arguments behind both perspectives and argues that unpaid community service should not be compulsory. [STRIKE]suggests a proper approach.[/STRIKE]

You need to make your position clear at the end of the introduction.

Several people are [STRIKE]convicted[/STRIKE] convinced of the benefits that compulsory unpaid community service by [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] students can bring to [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] society. They argue that [STRIKE]main assumption under this point of view is[/STRIKE] the contact that teenagers can have with their communities, understanding [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] local problems and collaborating to overcome local challenges would be of great benefit for young students in terms of character building.

Martha Ryed, leader of a local NGO, confirms the mindset change of those students engaged with her organization: ``They develop a wider overview from the real world, obtaining maturity within some weeks of work. Every secondary student should experience this”.

I have no idea how you plan to be able to produce such direct quotes in an IELTS test. :shock:
Also, the example that you've provided doesn't actually support making such service compulsory!

However, skeptics [STRIKE]affirm[/STRIKE] contend that making [STRIKE]turning a self-motivated volunteering[/STRIKE] such programmes [STRIKE]into a massive,[/STRIKE] a compulsory [STRIKE]educational course[/STRIKE] part of school will undermine their [STRIKE]its[/STRIKE] real meaning. They believe, one should highlight the benefits and [STRIKE]prod[/STRIKE] encourage students to participate in them. [STRIKE]fulfill such jobs.[/STRIKE]

You should have made that paragraph longer than the one before because it supports your position!

Activities as group-sharing or online publishment of prior experiences can foster the free participation of more adolescents.

I have no idea what that means.

I strongly believe the [STRIKE]efforts of[/STRIKE] inspiration for doing a community service should [STRIKE]blossom[/STRIKE] stem from [STRIKE]the own[/STRIKE] the students themselves and not through obligatory rules and regulations. [STRIKE]The comprehension[/STRIKE] Awareness of local issues [STRIKE]difficulties[/STRIKE] can definitely motivate students to do something to help their communities. This is a better approach than compelling them to do unpaid community work. [STRIKE]enhance the political and social perspective from the pupils, but one must also consider the drawbacks of forcing them to work unpaid.[/STRIKE]

 

[Sandra90]

Hi there,

I know they offer free essay correction on this site: [URL deleted by moderator]

 

[Rover_KE]

Thanks for your contribution, Sandra, but we do not endorse websites that we know nothing about.