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    #1

    The mouse

    It's a real story which happened to I and my uncle nearly 2 months ago. Would you please proofread it?

    -----------------------------
    The mouse
    The moon bathed the countryside in a silver light and a biting wind made the leaves rustle like soft silks. I and my uncle got out of the car and tremulously hit the house.

    “God, it is so cold, for how many days you have not been here, uncle?” I said and then moved towards the heater as a falcon chasing its prey.
    The heater was turned on and I stooped to adjust its flames, meanwhile a tiny thing drawn my attention. Furtively accosting it, I signed my uncle there was an animal under your bed. When I got close enough I declared: “Uncle, a mouse is under your bed.”

    “A rat!? From where in the seven hells it has come to my house!?” Unbelievably he uttered.

    “Till now, I have thought that just snakes are the sigil of his house but I guess I have got to add rats to this list too. Where the heck is your house? In the midst of a forest? Could hospital not grant you a better house?” I angrily muttered.

    “What should we do now?” Disappointedly my uncle asked.

    “Well, first of all we should neat your room” I replied, “For your medicine books omnipresent in this room will frustrate our efforts to catch the rat.” I continued, “Secondly, I recommend your finding two stuff for killing this filthy arrival.”

    “Ok” my uncle said, “I’ll be right back with two weapons”

    When my uncle came back, he gave me a hammer! But because I really didn’t want to kill a rat with such an arm I chose a sandal. Anyway, we besieged the mouse and tried to divert it towards a corner. My first blow failed and the bloody rat that seemed like a phantom eluded us.

    “Darn!” I yelled, “There is no way in the hell, filthy rat”

    The rat went under the sofa. I rapidly accosted the sofa and overturned it to make the rat come out of there and endanger its sanctuary. It came out and wanted to go to another room but suddenly it fell. Yes! My vigilant uncle with his green cover of air gun had hit it and sent the rat to the hereafter.

    ----------------------------------

    Regards.

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    #2

    Re: The mouse

    Nobody wants to proofread it? I posted my manuscript 12 days ago! I would appreciate it if somebody correct my errors.

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    #3

    Re: The mouse

    It's a real story which happened to I me and my uncle nearly 2 two months ago. Would you please proofread it?

    The Mouse

    The moon bathed the countryside in a silver light and a biting wind made the leaves rustle like soft silks. I and my uncle My uncle and I got out of the car and tremulously hit the house.

    “God, it is so cold, and for how many days you have you not been here, Uncle?” I said and then moved towards the heater as like a falcon chasing its prey.
    The heater was turned on and I stooped to adjust its flames. Meanwhile a tiny thing drawn my attention. Furtively accosting it, I signed signalled my uncle there was an animal under your his bed. When I got close enough I declared, “Uncle, a mouse is under your bed.”

    “A rat!? From where in the seven hells it has it come to my house!?” Unbelievably he uttered.

    “Till now, I have thought that just snakes are the sigil of his house but I guess I have got to add rats to this list too. Where the heck is your house? In the midst of a forest? Could hospital(?) not grant you a better house?” I angrily muttered.

    “What should we do now?” Disappointedly my uncle asked.

    “Well, first of all we should neat tidy up your room” I replied, “For your medicine books omnipresent in this room will frustrate our efforts to catch the rat.” I continued, “Secondly, I recommend your finding two stuff two things for killing these filthy arrivals.”

    “Ok” my uncle said, “I’ll be right back with the two weapons”

    When my uncle came back, he gave me a hammer! But because I really didn’t want to kill a rat with such an arm a weapon I chose a sandal. Anyway, we besieged the mouse and tried to divert it towards a corner. My first blow failed and the bloody rat that seemed like a phantom eluded us.

    “Darn!” I yelled, “There is no way in the hell, filthy rat”

    The rat went under the sofa. I rapidly accosted the sofa and overturned it to make the rat come out of there and endanger its sanctuary. It came out and wanted to go to another room but suddenly it fell. Yes! My vigilant uncle with his green cover of air gun had hit it and sent the rat to the hereafter.
    Last edited by tedmc; 17-Mar-2016 at 19:57.
    I am not a teacher.

  1. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: The mouse

    What are you going to do with this essay?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: The mouse

    Say:

    It's a real story that happened to me and my uncle.

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: The mouse

    Say:

    I would appreciate it if somebody would correct my errors.

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: The mouse

    Say:

    The moon bathed the countryside in a silver light, and a biting wind made the leaves rustle like soft silks. My uncle and I got out of the car and went inside.

    Compare this to the original first paragraph. The only change to the first sentence was the addition of a comma. However, the second one had to be rewritten so it would be grammatical and so it would make sense.

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: The mouse

    Say:

    God, it is cold! How long have you been away, Uncle?

  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: The mouse

    You're telling the story in the first person, so say, "I turned the heater on" NOT "The heater was turned on".

    The title of the story is "The Mouse" so stick to calling the creature a mouse and not a rat.

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    #10

    Re: The mouse

    Quote Originally Posted by tedmc View Post
    “Till now, I have thought that just snakes are the sigil of his house but I guess I have got to add rats to this list too. Where the heck is your house? In the midst of a forest? Could hospital(?) not grant you a better house?” I angrily muttered.
    My Uncle is a doctor and has temporarily been granted a house from the hospital that he works in it.

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