[Essay] The mouse

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Flogger

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It's a real story which happened to I and my uncle nearly 2 months ago. Would you please proofread it?

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The mouse
The moon bathed the countryside in a silver light and a biting wind made the leaves rustle like soft silks. I and my uncle got out of the car and tremulously hit the house.

“God, it is so cold, for how many days you have not been here, uncle?” I said and then moved towards the heater as a falcon chasing its prey.
The heater was turned on and I stooped to adjust its flames, meanwhile a tiny thing drawn my attention. Furtively accosting it, I signed my uncle there was an animal under your bed. When I got close enough I declared: “Uncle, a mouse is under your bed.”

“A rat!? From where in the seven hells it has come to my house!?” Unbelievably he uttered.

“Till now, I have thought that just snakes are the sigil of his house but I guess I have got to add rats to this list too. Where the heck is your house? In the midst of a forest? Could hospital not grant you a better house?” I angrily muttered.

“What should we do now?” Disappointedly my uncle asked.

“Well, first of all we should neat your room” I replied, “For your medicine books omnipresent in this room will frustrate our efforts to catch the rat.” I continued, “Secondly, I recommend your finding two stuff for killing this filthy arrival.”

“Ok” my uncle said, “I’ll be right back with two weapons”

When my uncle came back, he gave me a hammer! But because I really didn’t want to kill a rat with such an arm I chose a sandal. Anyway, we besieged the mouse and tried to divert it towards a corner. My first blow failed and the bloody rat that seemed like a phantom eluded us.

“Darn!” I yelled, “There is no way in the hell, filthy rat”

The rat went under the sofa. I rapidly accosted the sofa and overturned it to make the rat come out of there and endanger its sanctuary. It came out and wanted to go to another room but suddenly it fell. Yes! My vigilant uncle with his green cover of air gun had hit it and sent the rat to the hereafter.

----------------------------------

Regards.
 

Flogger

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Nobody wants to proofread it? I posted my manuscript 12 days ago! I would appreciate it if somebody correct my errors.
 

tedmc

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It's a real story which happened to [STRIKE]I [/STRIKE] me and my uncle nearly[STRIKE] 2[/STRIKE] two months ago. Would you please proofread it?

The Mouse

The moon bathed the countryside in a silver light and a biting wind made the leaves rustle like soft silk[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE]. [STRIKE]I and my uncle [/STRIKE]My uncle and I got out of the car and tremulously hit the house.

“God, it is so cold, and [STRIKE]for[/STRIKE] how many days [STRIKE]you[/STRIKE] have you not been here, Uncle?” I said and then moved towards the heater [STRIKE]as[/STRIKE] like a falcon chasing its prey.
The heater was turned on and I stooped to adjust its flames. Meanwhile a tiny thing drawn my attention. Furtively accosting it, I [STRIKE]signed[/STRIKE] signalled my uncle there was an animal under [STRIKE]your[/STRIKE] his bed. When I got close enough I declared, “Uncle, a mouse is under your bed.”

“A rat!? From where in the seven hells [STRIKE]it[/STRIKE] has it come to my house!?” Unbelievably he uttered.

“Till now, I have thought that just snakes are the sigil of his house but I guess I have got to add rats to this list too. Where the heck is your house? In the midst of a forest? Could hospital(?) not grant you a better house?” I angrily muttered.

“What should we do now?” Disappointedly my uncle asked.

“Well, first of all we should [STRIKE]neat[/STRIKE] tidy up your room” I replied, “For your medicine books omnipresent in this room will frustrate our efforts to catch the rat.” I continued, “Secondly, I recommend you[STRIKE]r finding two stuff[/STRIKE] two things for killing these filthy arrivals.”

“Ok” my uncle said, “I’ll be right back with the two weapons”

When my uncle came back, he gave me a hammer! But because I really didn’t want to kill a rat with such [STRIKE]an arm[/STRIKE] a weapon I chose a sandal. Anyway, we besieged the mouse and tried to divert it towards a corner. My first blow failed and the bloody rat that seemed like a phantom eluded us.

“Darn!” I yelled, “There is no way in the hell, filthy rat”

The rat went under the sofa. I rapidly accosted the sofa and overturned it to make the rat come out [STRIKE]of there[/STRIKE] and endanger its sanctuary. It came out and wanted to go to another room but suddenly it fell. Yes! My vigilant uncle with his green cover of air gun had hit it and sent the rat to the hereafter.
 
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emsr2d2

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What are you going to do with this essay?
 

Tarheel

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Say:

It's a real story that happened to me and my uncle.
 

Tarheel

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Say:

I would appreciate it if somebody would correct my errors.
 

Tarheel

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Say:

The moon bathed the countryside in a silver light, and a biting wind made the leaves rustle like soft silks. My uncle and I got out of the car and went inside.

Compare this to the original first paragraph. The only change to the first sentence was the addition of a comma. However, the second one had to be rewritten so it would be grammatical and so it would make sense.
 

Tarheel

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Say:

God, it is cold! How long have you been away, Uncle?
 

Tarheel

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You're telling the story in the first person, so say, "I turned the heater on" NOT "The heater was turned on".

The title of the story is "The Mouse" so stick to calling the creature a mouse and not a rat.
 

Flogger

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“Till now, I have thought that just snakes are the sigil of his house but I guess I have got to add rats to this list too. Where the heck is your house? In the midst of a forest? Could hospital(?) not grant you a better house?” I angrily muttered.

My Uncle is a doctor and has temporarily been granted a house from the hospital that he works in it.
 

Flogger

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What are you going to do with this essay?

Keeping it for myself.

Can I ask you that why most of teachers are loath to proofread the essays of students? They only focus on the "Ask a teacher" forum, while many of us are waiting that a teacher take a glance at our essays!

I hope that in the future this section get more attention.
 

Flogger

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Say:

I would appreciate it if somebody would correct my errors.

Is it abnormal to say: "I would appreciate it if somebody correct my errors"?
 

Flogger

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Say:

My uncle and I got out of the car and went inside.

Why can't I say: "I and my uncle ......"?

I see that my last error (according to your corrections) ends in the first line of Paragraph 2. Is it my last error or I have got still more errors? :-D
 

Tarheel

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The phrase "as a falcon chasing its prey" is a good one. It's creative. But I think you should save it for something that's not an inanimate object.
 

Tarheel

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Tarheel

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I see that my last error (according to your corrections) ends in the first line of Paragraph 2. Is it my last error or I have got still more errors? :-D

No, I had something else to do.
 

Tarheel

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Say:

Meanwhile, a tiny thing caught my attention.
 

Tarheel

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Perhaps:

I told my uncle there was an animal under the bed. I said: "Uncle, there's a mouse under your bed."
 

Tarheel

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Perhaps:

In disbelief my uncle said: "A .mouse! How did a mouse get in the house?"
 
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