Results 1 to 10 of 10
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Vietnamese
      • Home Country:
      • Vietnam
      • Current Location:
      • Vietnam

    • Join Date: Mar 2016
    • Posts: 22
    #1

    IELTS Writing Task 1-Could anyone check my essay? Thank you very much!

    I've just written an essay about the changes of a hospital during a 1960-2000 period.
    --------------------------------------------------------
    Thediagrams below show the changes that have taken place at Queen Mary Hospitalsince its construction in 1960.

    Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features,and make comparisons where relevant.

    Write atleast 150 words.


    Here are my essay with remarks from my teacher.
    --------------------------------------------------------

    The maps illustrate how the Queen Mary hospital develops from 1960 to 2000.

    Overall, the scale of the hospital was expanded to meet demands of patients, providing more medical services while cutting out the areas for shopping and farming.

    From 1960 to 1980, the shopping center located on the left of the hospital that faces onto the main road was converted into a cancer center and a pharmacy (-> The subordinate Clause is lengthy and hard to understand). Behind the site where the shopping center used to be (-> the same mistake), the farmland was replaced by a nursing school in 1980. In 2000, for the needs of cancer researching and treatment, they expanded the cancer centerís area to 3 times, cover over the entire area (->using "that minimized the acreage of the nursing school" instead )that was used for building the nursing school in 1980.

    The car park behind the hospital still remained its size during the 1960-1980 period. In 2000, a half of the car parkís area was turned into a (-> was used for the)nursing school.

    Could anyone please check and give me some advice about my essay and my teacher's remarks? I don't totally know how to improve this essay. Thank you very much!


    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • Malaysia
      • Current Location:
      • Malaysia

    • Join Date: Apr 2014
    • Posts: 3,332
    #2

    Re: IELTS Writing Task 1-Could anyone check my essay? Thank you very much!

    The three diagrams show how the hospital grew from 1960 to 2000, to cater for the increase in demand for medical facilities, especially the cancer centre. The change in requirements and priorities over the years resulted in changes and expansions of the buildings and change of land use.
    In 1960, the hospital building occupied only a quarter of the land with the remaining areas equally divided between a shopping centre next to it and a carpark and farmland at the back.
    By 1980, the shopping centre was converted into a cancer centre and a pharmacy while a nursing school was built over the farmland. By 2000, the cancer centre expanded three-fold, fully occupying the nursing school building which was relocated to occupy part of the carpark.

    I think there is no need to describe the location of the spaces(which your subordinate clauses were about) which are clear from the diagram. It is more important to describe the changes that took place and make comparisons.
    I do not like the description, "that minimized the acreage of the nursing school instead"
    I am not a teacher.

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Jun 2014
    • Posts: 11,085
    #3

    Re: IELTS Writing Task 1-Could anyone check my essay? Thank you very much!

    Say:

    The diagrams illustrate how Queen Mary Hospital developed from 1980 to 2000.

    By "car park" do you mean "parking lot"?

  2. teechar's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 6,182
    #4

    Re: IELTS Writing Task 1-Could anyone check my essay? Thank you very much!

    Quote Originally Posted by huynguyen158 View Post



    Here are is my essay with remarks from my teacher.
    --------------------------------------------------------

    The maps illustrate how the Queen Mary hospital develops developed from 1960 to 2000.

    Overall, the scale of area occupied by the hospital was expanded to meet the increased demand for medical facilities, and a new pharmacy, nursing school and cancer center were added during that period. s of patients,providing more medical services while cutting out the areas for shopping and farming.

    From 1960 to 1980, the shopping center, located on to the left of the hospital and facing that faces onto the main road, was converted into a cancer center and a pharmacy.

    T
    he farmland, which was behind the shopping center, was replaced by a nursing school in 1980. In 2000, for the needs of cancer researching and treatment, they expanded the cancer centerís area to 3 times the original size. cover over the entire area (->using "that minimized the acreage of the nursing school" instead ) They did that by adding to it the building that was used for building the nursing school. in 1980.

    At the same time, they used half the car park area for the new building of the nursing school.

    The car park behind the hospital still remained its size during the 1960-1980 period. In 2000, a half of the car parkís area was turned into a (-> was used for the)nursing school.

    Quote Originally Posted by huynguyen158 View Post
    use ing "that minimized the acreage of the nursing school" instead
    I wouldn't use "acreage" in that context.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • Malaysia
      • Current Location:
      • Malaysia

    • Join Date: Apr 2014
    • Posts: 3,332
    #5

    Re: IELTS Writing Task 1-Could anyone check my essay? Thank you very much!

    Tarheel
    I know the terms are different in AmE but the place where cars are parked is called a car park where I come from(we follow BrE). A parking lot is the space for one car to park, though you might call it a "parking bay".

    teechar
    I would not call those "maps". A map shows places on a macro-scale, not individual spaces within a building. The drawings shown are simplified plans used for illustrations, so I call them diagrams(or schematics, in architectural terms).
    I think, instead of saying "they did this" and "they did that"(which begs the question, "who is they?"), it is better to say "this was done" and "that was done".
    Last edited by tedmc; 11-Mar-2016 at 04:43.
    I am not a teacher.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Vietnamese
      • Home Country:
      • Vietnam
      • Current Location:
      • Vietnam

    • Join Date: Mar 2016
    • Posts: 22
    #6

    Re: IELTS Writing Task 1-Could anyone check my essay? Thank you very much!

    Quote Originally Posted by tedmc View Post
    The three diagrams show how the hospital grew from 1960 to 2000, to cater for the increase in demand for medical facilities, especially the cancer centre. The change in requirements and priorities over the years resulted in changes and expansions of the buildings and change of land use.
    In 1960, the hospital building occupied only a quarter of the land with the remaining areas equally divided between a shopping centre next to it and a carpark and farmland at the back.
    By 1980, the shopping centre was converted into a cancer centre and a pharmacy while a nursing school was built over the farmland. By 2000, the cancer centre expanded three-fold, fully occupying the nursing school building which was relocated to occupy part of the carpark.

    I think there is no need to describe the location of the spaces(which your subordinate clauses were about) which are clear from the diagram. It is more important to describe the changes that took place and make comparisons.
    I do not like the description, "that minimized the acreage of the nursing school instead"
    Thank you, tedmc Your advice was very useful for me!

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Vietnamese
      • Home Country:
      • Vietnam
      • Current Location:
      • Vietnam

    • Join Date: Mar 2016
    • Posts: 22
    #7

    Re: IELTS Writing Task 1-Could anyone check my essay? Thank you very much!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Say:

    The diagrams illustrate how Queen Mary Hospital developed from 1980 to 2000.

    By "car park" do you mean "parking lot"?
    Yes, that's what I meant.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Vietnamese
      • Home Country:
      • Vietnam
      • Current Location:
      • Vietnam

    • Join Date: Mar 2016
    • Posts: 22
    #8

    Re: IELTS Writing Task 1-Could anyone check my essay? Thank you very much!

    Quote Originally Posted by teechar View Post
    I wouldn't use "acreage" in that context.
    Thanks for your advice, teechar.

  3. teechar's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 6,182
    #9

    Re: IELTS Writing Task 1-Could anyone check my essay? Thank you very much!

    Quote Originally Posted by tedmc View Post
    teechar
    I would not call those "maps". A map shows places on a macro-scale, not individual spaces within a building. The drawings shown are simplified plans used for illustrations, so I call them diagrams(or schematics, in architectural terms).
    Well spotted, tedmc. I missed that one.

  4. emsr2d2's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK

    • Join Date: Jul 2009
    • Posts: 41,893
    #10

    Re: IELTS Writing Task 1-Could anyone check my essay? Thank you very much!

    Quote Originally Posted by huynguyen158 View Post
    Yes, that's what I meant.
    Quote Originally Posted by huynguyen158 View Post
    Thanks for your advice, teechar.
    Note that there is no need to write a new post to indicate that you have read, understood and appreciated a response. Every post has a Thank button and a Like button. Click on one (or both) to indicate your appreciation.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

Similar Threads

  1. [Essay] Please check my essay for IELTS Writing Task 2.
    By neko-baa in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 07-Aug-2012, 13:37
  2. [Essay] Please check my essay. Ielts writing task 2.
    By PremierAp in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 12-Dec-2010, 20:07
  3. [Essay] Please check my essay and suggest about mark. Ielts writing task 2.
    By PremierAp in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 12-Dec-2010, 01:00
  4. Replies: 1
    Last Post: 28-Aug-2009, 05:24
  5. [Essay] IELTS writing task 2. Please correct my essay!
    By ngtuankhai in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 23-Jul-2009, 11:37

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •