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    #1

    Hello, Could you please check and mark my short story?

    Hello,
    We were given in school an assignment to write a story with a plot-twist, but as it turns out we were not supposed to hand our stories to the teacher which means she won't check and grade it.
    So, since I put quite a bit of effort into it, I thought you guys might check It and correct any grammar errors that you may find
    Thanks in advance !

    Nancy

    This is the tale of Jack, an ordinary guy.
    Every Morning, Jack goes to the popular café of his lovely little town, “The Place to Wake”, to buy and enjoy a Latte whilst reading the daily newspaper.
    One day, as he was sipping from his Latte cup and reading the newspaper, he spotted with the corner of his eye, something unusual, something glamorous. He instantly put the paper and the latte on the coffee table, to get a further look at the unique thing that had enchanted him, and what he saw, astonished him:
    He saw the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life! She was so pretty it’s a miracle he could keep his jaw shut and not drool all over the coffee table!
    After he had mustered up all his courage, he walked down to her and, after stammering a bit at the beginning, he started having a conversation with her. They had talked for about an hour before finally having to part away, back to their homes, for other businesses they had to do and events they had to attend to. But before their final separation, they had scheduled another “appointment” as they called it, although both of them knew it was a date, and that appointment was scheduled to take place in the following week.
    Jack was so excited about their next appointment, that he started planning their next meeting with utmost determination! He wanted to create something unforgettable for both of them. After hours of research, he found a marvelous, 5-star restaurant that was just perfect for the occasion. Even though the restaurant wasn’t quite affordable, Jack was willing to pay the price.
    Before making the reservations, he wanted to make sure that Nancy, the woman he was working so hard to please, was ok with the whole thing.

    Surprisingly, Nancy wasn’t too fond of the idea, and insisted on having the appointment in the same café as last time. Jack didn’t quite understand why, but agreed to her terms anyway in confusion.
    They met again at the scheduled time and they had another wonderful time. They scheduled a third meeting afterwards, and then a fourth one and so on for quite some time. During all the time they had been dating, they met in the same café as always: “The Place to Wake”.
    One day Jack decided that he wanted to move to the next level. Even though he very much liked getting together every week with Nancy, he wanted to start doing other stuff and dating in other locations besides the café. When he proposed the idea to Nancy, she hesitantly agreed to his idea, but only if the next meeting would occur at her house only. Nancy gave Jack her address in a small note, and then they departed.
    Jack, excited as a student seeing a substitute on a test day, exclaimed, quietly, with joy, and, after the date had finished, he went back cheerful and happy, waiting with impatience to visit the house of the most beautiful woman in his life.
    When the day came, after he had worn his most expensive suit, had applied his best cologne, had put on his most honorable tie and had tied the laces of his most tremendous looking shoes, he left his house, heading towards what would signify the next level of his relationship with Nancy.
    Once he arrived to Nancy’s doorstep, he knocked on the door. As soon as he had finished knocking, an old grumpy lady answered the door, and asked with a most angered, impatient and irritated voice: “WHAT IS IT! WHAT DO YOU WANT?”
    Jack… a tad confused responded:
    “Umm… I am looking for Nancy?”
    “Nancy?! Who are you, you ignorant prick, to disturb the life of an old miserable lady? My daughter Nancy has been dead for the last 10 years you heartless hooligan! BEGONE! GO AWAY OR I’LL CALL THE COPS!”
    A little sobbing, the old lady slammed the door furiously, leaving poor Jack baffled and confused, in the middle of a vortex of emotions. Jack felt confusion, anxiety and fear.
    “I don’t get it…” said Jack in a weakened frightened voice to himself. “Nancy is... Dead??? How could that be?? I’ve been meeting up with her for weeks! How could she suddenly be dead??? Was she… a ghost? Was I dating a ghost this whole entire time??? After all… she always wanted to meet up in the same place… What if it’s because she is haunting that place and cannot leave? It makes sense now … I must investigate this!”
    Setting up to leave to the café to investigate this mysterious case, Jack accidentally dropped the note on which Nancy wrote her address. Taking a second look at the note, Jack realized how much of a fool he had been...
    On the note that Nancy had written to him it said:
    “Brendon St. 105, 5th story, apt. 27”
    Before arriving at the old lady’s house, while Jack was marching towards that address, he took a wrong turn to Bernard St. instead! which means he had arrived at the wrong address! (After all, the names are extremely similar, with the only difference between them being a mere letter… so I guess we can all forgive him for that mistake).
    A short time after noticing his foolish mistake, he immediately started running to Brendon St. as fast as his body allowed.
    After arriving, this time, at the RIGHT address, he knocked on the door, and to his huge relief, answered Nancy, a real-life Nancy, not a ghost.
    THE END
    The Authors of this alleged plot-twisted story:
    Adrian V.
    Last edited by Morbie; 27-Mar-2016 at 19:17.

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      • Malaysia
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    #2

    Re: Hello, Could you please check and mark my short story?

    We were given in school an assignment to write a story with a plot-twist, but as it turns out we were not supposed to hand our stories to the teacher which means she won't check and grade it.
    I have not heard of assignment that that you do not have to hand in to the teacher for marking. Are you sure?
    I am not a teacher.

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      • Hebrew
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      • Moldova
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      • Israel

    • Join Date: Mar 2016
    • Posts: 22
    #3

    Re: Hello, Could you please check and mark my short story?

    Yes tedmc I am sure, it was supposed to be a fun assignment, after which we would hand in the papers and the teacher would read the stories to the whole class. But since not enough students have brought their stories on the assigned day, the teacher "abandoned" the idea (Unfortuantely I was amongst the students who hadn't brought it).
    So, technically we were supposed to hand it in, but now that the assignment is canceled, I was thinking that perhaps someone could check what I wrote.
    I am aware of the forum's policy that it is not meant for checking school's assignments and essays etc. but I can assure you my only intention is to learn from and see my mistakes, and seeing that my teacher won't check it, I was hoping you guys could.

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Hello, Could you please check and mark my short story?

    Say:

    to enjoy a latte while reading the daily newspaper

    I consider the word "whilst" to be archaic. I don't recommend using it.

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Hello, Could you please check and mark my short story?

    I think that the reader will assume that the person will have to pay for the latte, and that doesn't need to be mentioned.

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Hello, Could you please check and mark my short story?

    The word "latte" is not a proper noun, so don't capitalize it.

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Hello, Could you please check and mark my short story?

    Try:

    He spotted out of the corner of his eye a woman, but not just any woman--an extraordinarily good looking woman.

    Don't overuse exclamation marks.

    Make shorter paragraphs, and be sure to space between paragraphs.

    You can use italics or bold print instead of all caps. And don't overuse either one.

    • Member Info
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    #8

    Re: Hello, Could you please check and mark my short story?

    Tarheel
    Thank you very much for your replies, I have corrected my text according to your suggestions, I really appreciate that.
    Just one more thing, was the grammar usage alright? did you find any noticeable grammar mistakes?
    Thanks again

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: Hello, Could you please check and mark my short story?

    It's a good story. I will look at it again later to see if I can find more errors.

  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: Hello, Could you please check and mark my short story?

    I think Jack might not have wanted to be so obvious that he was staring at the woman. Perhaps he could have looked at her over the top of the newspaper.

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