Short Essay. Would you mind reviewing my essay?

[Shoon25]

Multicultural societies, where people of different groups live together, can bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Over the past decades, as the influence of globalization of economic and cultural changes, individuals have been increasingly exposed to the multinational cultures in society. Regarding this, although some argue that this might cause some social problems, I partly agree with this social phenomenon.

Of course, the multicultural trend could result in conspicuous shortcomings related to local culture and identity. This is because especially when other foreign cultures are too dominant and aggressive, these will sweep out many important traditions with customs. Considering this fact that the influence of pop culture focused on commercialism and materialism such as Hollywood movies holding the majority proportion of movie market in the world would be an instance.

Obviously, the interaction with other cultures seems beneficial to citizens. Above all, it is true that the diversified cultures could add a wide range of features to the citizens’ living since inhabitants from various countries could bring different habits and cultural characteristics, and allow those who have no experience with them to feel the freshness and something new. In this regard, New York City would be an obvious example offering cultural complex and entertainment shows based on various culture and religions.

Furthermore, the increasing openness to other cultures could lead to alleviate cultural conflict between individuals as the society will enable residents to get an awareness of the value of mutual understanding and empathy which are the basic foundation of peaceful co-existence.

In conclusion, I regard that the changes into a multicultural society have many positive aspects considering the increasing opportunities in experiencing other cultures and the solutions to resolve cultural strife. However, there should be precautions countermeasures to preserve traditional cultures.

 

[teechar]

Over the past decades, as the influence of globalization of economic and cultural changes, individuals have been increasingly exposed to the multinational cultures in society.

That's not a direct introduction to the topic you were given; you were asked about multicultural societies, not about people's reaction to being exposed to different cultures.

Regarding this, although some argue that this might cause some social problems, I partly agree with this social phenomenon.

Your stance is ambiguous; do you partly agree with multiculturalism or with the assertion that it causes social problems?

Considering this fact that the influence of pop culture focused on commercialism and materialism such as Hollywood movies holding the majority proportion of movie market in the world would be an instance.

That's not a good example. Your topic was about multicultural societies, where people from different (ethnic, religious, racial, etc) backgrounds live together.

Obviously, the interaction with other cultures [STRIKE]seems beneficial to citizens. Above all, it is true that the diversified cultures could add a wide range of features to the citizens’ living since inhabitants from various countries[/STRIKE] could bring different habits and cultural characteristics, and allow those who have no experience with them to feel the freshness and something new. In this regard, New York City would be an obvious example offering cultural complex and entertainment shows based on various culture and religions.

You have a good point there, but you need to elaborate on it, and cut out the waffle in the middle.

Furthermore, the increasing openness to other cultures could lead to alleviate cultural conflict between individuals as the society will enable residents to get an awareness of the value of mutual understanding and empathy which are the basic foundation of peaceful co-existence.

Again, you should elaborate on this point.

 

[Raymott]

"In conclusion, I regard that the changes into a multicultural society have many positive aspects considering the increasing opportunities in experiencing other cultures and the solutions to resolve cultural strife. However, there should be precautions countermeasures to preserve traditional cultures."

I would not end an essay on a point that goes against your conclusion. You might say, "In conclusion, while there should be precautions ..., I regard the changes ...". You end on a positive point.

 

[emsr2d2]

When are you going to submit your essay to your teacher/tutor?