CA COLD KNAP LAKE

[Paddy1927]

Ok so i have to write a story about the poem 'Cold Knap Lake' and my teacher marked this work and she said it was only a D, could you please tell me what you would grade it?
STORY:
Cold Knap Lake
Out of nowhere the shady shimmering lake released miniature currents which then evolved into larger ones as they expanded through the navigable lake. The emotional trees stood like soldiers with their limbs out guarding the lake from its opponents as if protecting the secrets which were yet to be exposed, the trees started rustling and the leaves started sinking in the cloudy fog. There were sounds coming from multiple directions like a predator stalking their prey, It was blowing a gale with the wind whipping through the forest and howling all around. night was black, deadly and endless.
Out of thin air a girl appeared, she was wearing a red dress covered in dirt, Suddenly the girl started treading towards the illuminated lake, without hesitation she sprang into the lake almost as if hypnotized. As she was walking further into the secretive lake her body began to become covered in moss and her face began to sink, 15 seconds passed. Her body began turning pale and the bubbles had been ferociously bubbling had stopped. Silence and stillness were now present.
Unexpectedly, a red headed heroine was walking a dog close by. She saw the helpless girl and began rushing towards her; with no hesitation she leaped into the icy water to save the child’s life. The hopeless girl had her ankle tied with sea-weed which stopped her from swimming away so the heroine began pulling the girl by her arm, the sea weed finally let go and the child was freed. The heroine swam to the shore with the child and began to drag her onto the grass. Unexpectedly the girl wasn’t breathing consequently the heroine’s only choice was to perform CPR, She began chest compressions, after 30 tries the girl spat out all of the water. Choking and spluttering, but alive!
She breathed again.
Suddenly the girl panicked and didn’t know what she was doing near the lake. She said “What am I doing here” The red headed heroine replied saying “You must’ve been under the influence of some hypnosis.” The girl was horrified and obviously traumatised so the heroine decided to take her home so the girl could recover from the horrific experience.
After taking her home the heroine made the girl some pancakes, but half way through eating it the little girl began having flash backs which were horrific. she was seeing devil signs everywhere and memories of her mother's car accident, suddenly she went into cardiac arrest while puking out some white mucus type fluid. The heroine panicked but without hesitation she called an ambulance quickly and went with her to the hospital as she didn't have time to ask who her mother was. While in the hospital the girl was in a fatal condition and her body started failing. What happened next was incredible.
The girl was pronounced dead but shortly after the girl began puking out water and woke up and so did the heroine, it was a dream.

 

[emsr2d2]

[STRIKE]Ok so[/STRIKE] I [STRIKE]have[/STRIKE] had to write a story about the poem 'Cold Knap Lake'. [STRIKE]and[/STRIKE] My teacher marked this work and she said it was only a. Could you please tell me what you would grade it?

Note my corrections above.

As I said in your other post (the poetry comparison), did you teacher give you comments and corrections as well as a grade? If so, what were her comments and corrections?

 

[Paddy1927]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/schools/gcsebitesize/english_literature/poetclarke/coldknaplakerev1.shtml
We had to write a story about that poem and she said it only deserves a D, I made the corrections she told me to make with the capital letters etc and she still said it was a D.

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

Yes. Since we don't know your level of study or what the focus of the assignment was, this is impossible to answer. There are grammar and punctuation problems that might have lowered your grade.

And since your native language is English, it's not clear why you're posting this here.

Again, have you talked with your teacher? If you have, what did your teacher say?

 

[bhaisahab]

If you are from Poland, as you say in your profile, how is it that your native language is American English?

 

[Tarheel]

Take all of the "started to"s and "began to"s out.

It is confusing. In one sentence you say it is dark. In another sentence you say the lake is illuminated. (By what?)

Do the trees have personalities?

You could say the wind was blowing at gale force. (Was it?)

Instead of saying the girl didn't hesitate you could say she jumped right in.

Did she get caught in the seaweed?

How did we know the woman was a heroine before we knew anything else about her? Because we knew she was going to rescue the little girl?

Did you read the text to find things that needed to be changed? Did you go over it with an eye to making improvements? (I don't think so.)

 

[Raymott]

You're no Joseph Conrad, Paddy. I'd give you an F for punctuation. I think you're trying to make the story too poetic, and I'm guessing that wasn't the exercise.

 

[Tarheel]

Two things.

1. Space between paragraphs.

2. When you edit your writing ask yourself what is and what isn't relevant. (For example, it is probably not relevant here that the lake is navigable.)