Results 1 to 4 of 4
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • French
      • Home Country:
      • France
      • Current Location:
      • France

    • Join Date: May 2016
    • Posts: 2
    #1

    Short stories

    Hi,

    I'm working on a indie game where the main character is told some stories while he is dreaming (the player plays the dreams).
    Would you please tell me if the stories sound understandable enough and if there are any mistakes?
    Thank you very much.
    Here are the stories:


    "Once there was a tree who wanted to move to explore the world, but he didn't know how to free himself from the ground.
    So he sent messengers in the form of leaves, to ask every species of life if they knew how he could do that.
    One leaf asked the tigers but they couldn't answer.
    One leaf asked the dolphins but they couldn't answer.
    One leaf asked the fennec fox and the snow leopards and the polar bears... but they couldn't answer.
    And the tree died in despair because none of his leaves even came back.
    He didn't realize that he had now explored the world entirely."



    "Ah, you should have seen those eyes. Beautiful, brilliant eyes. All the colors, green, orange, had join to form those bright lines,
    mixed in a deep ocean of blue, staring at you like if a universe of innocence and benevolence was watching you.
    But there was a war - a sad war, in those eyes. And the tears that should have never existed, the tears that now threatened Existence itself,
    those tears were deadly weapons, the most feared, powerful, deadly weapon."



    "Once there was a lioness, a very powerful lioness. Everyday she would see her ennemies running away in fear.
    But everynight, when the sun started to set, she would hear the wolves howling at the moon.
    The lioness was afraid of the wolves and therefore she hated the moon, because each time she looked at it, it would remain her of the wolves.
    What she didn't know is that the moon was only trying to guide her to somewhere safe."



    "Dalkiorus was a powerful beast that nobody seemed able to defeat. All the fire thrown towards it, would make it more dangerous.
    All the sword impacts and the thunder hits would make it more ferocious.
    It didn't fear frost, it didn't fear you.
    But one day, a boy came to the beast and simply stood here, facing it.
    He didn't try to attack it, instead, he just looked into the eyes of the beast.
    The more the boy looked, and the more he understood what the beast really was.
    Then the beast saw its own reflect on the boy eyes, and it too remembered what it was."



    "Once there was a man who was blind, yet he would act just like if he could see everything around him. A boy asked him, "How do you manage to
    move with such ease?", and the man answered: "I can't see the world, but I can feel the heat coming from every part of it.
    I can feel the heat coming from your heart, I can feel the shape of the trees hiding this heat it from me,
    and I can feel the coldness coming from the villains.
    Therefore I am not blind at all, I simply see the world a different way than you do.""


    Thanks again!

  1. Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Jan 2009
    • Posts: 3,060
    #2

    Re: Short stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Osaris31 View Post
    Hi,

    I'm working on an indie game in which the main character is told some stories while he is dreaming. (The player plays the dreams.)
    Would you please tell me if the stories sound understandable enough and if there are any mistakes?
    Thank you very much.
    Here are the stories:


    "Once there was a tree that wanted to move to explore the world, but it didn't know how to free itself from the ground.
    So
    it sent messengers in the form of leaves [no comma] to ask every species of life if it knew how the tree could do that.
    One leaf asked the tigers
    , but they couldn't answer.
    One leaf asked the dolphins
    , but they couldn't answer.
    One leaf asked the fennec fox
    es and the snow leopards and the polar bears... but they couldn't answer.
    And the tree died in despair because none of
    its leaves even came back.
    It didn't realize that it had now explored the world entirely." [I don't understand that sentence. Can you say it differently?]



    "Ah, you should have seen those eyes. Beautiful, brilliant eyes. All the colors, green, orange, had join to form those bright lines,
    mixed in a deep ocean of blue, staring at you
    as if a universe of innocence and benevolence was watching you.
    But there was a war - a sad war
    - [Use the same symbol on both sides of enclosed words: (. . .), ". . .", -. . .-] in those eyes. And the tears that should have never existed, the tears that now threatened Existence itself,
    those tears were deadly weapons, the most feared, powerful, deadly weapon."



    "Once there was a lioness, a very powerful lioness.
    Every day [This is a very common error. "Everyday" does not mean "every day"!] she would see her enemies running away in fear.
    But
    Every evening ["Everynight" is not a word.], when the sun started to set, [The sun doesn't set at night.] she would hear the wolves howling at the moon.
    The lioness was afraid of the wolves and therefore she hated the moon, because each time she looked at it, it would
    remind her of the wolves.
    What she didn't know
    was that the moon was only trying to guide her to somewhere safe."



    "Dalkiorus was a powerful beast that nobody seemed able to defeat. All the fire thrown towards it
    [No comma.] would make it more dangerous.
    All the sword
    blows and thunderous hits would make it more ferocious.
    It didn't fear frost, it didn't fear you.
    But one day, a boy came to the beast and simply stood here, facing it.
    He didn't try to attack it, instead, he just looked into the eyes of the beast.
    The more the boy looked, and the more he understood what the beast really was.
    Then the beast saw its own
    reflection in the boy eyes, and it [Delete "too." The boy wasn't also remembering something.] remembered what it was." [This last line is confusing. You said at first that it was a powerful beast. Wasn't it? If it was something else, you need to tell us what, or the line won't make sense.]



    "Once there was a man who was blind, yet he would act
    like he could see everything around him. A boy asked him, "How do you manage to
    move with such ease?", and the man answered: "I can't see the world, but I can feel the heat coming from every part of it.
    I can feel the heat coming from your heart, I can feel the shape of the trees hiding this heat
    [Delete "it."] from me,
    and I can feel the coldness coming from
    [Delete "the."] villains.
    Therefore I am not blind at all, I simply see the world
    differently than you do.""


    Thanks again!
    You're welcome!
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • French
      • Home Country:
      • France
      • Current Location:
      • France

    • Join Date: May 2016
    • Posts: 2
    #3

    Re: Short stories

    Thank you very much for your answer!

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    "Once there was a tree that wanted to move to explore the world, but it didn't know how to free itself from the ground.
    So
    it sent messengers in the form of leaves [no comma] to ask every species of life if it knew how the tree could do that.
    One leaf asked the tigers
    , but they couldn't answer.
    One leaf asked the dolphins
    , but they couldn't answer.
    One leaf asked the fennec fox
    es and the snow leopards and the polar bears... but they couldn't answer.
    And the tree died in despair because none of
    its leaves even came back.
    It didn't realize that it had now explored the world entirely." [I don't understand that sentence. Can you say it differently?]
    This last sentence was meant to say that because its leaves have travelled a long way, the tree itself has explored the world in some way.


    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    "The more the boy looked, and the more he understood what the beast really was.
    Then the beast saw its own reflection in the boy eyes, and it [Delete "too." The boy wasn't also remembering something.] remembered what it was." [This last line is confusing. You said at first that it was a powerful beast. Wasn't it? If it was something else, you need to tell us what, or the line won't make sense.]
    In the game, you play as a young alchemist who seems to have the uncontrolled power to turn some dreams into reality. The problem is that it he has some nightmares, and this beast was created during one of them. But both the boy and the beast don't remember that before they meet again.

    Anyway, thank you again for your help!
    Last edited by Osaris31; 06-May-2016 at 13:25.

    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China

    • Join Date: May 2016
    • Posts: 20
    #4

    Re: Short stories

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    You're welcome!
    Hi, could you please tell me whether it is necessary to substitute it for he. I was thinking maybe the author has used personification.

Similar Threads

  1. Short Stories
    By lindalinda1228 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 29-Jan-2010, 21:19
  2. difference between short stories and novel
    By mohsinmalik82 in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 05-Jun-2008, 12:28
  3. Short Stories
    By someone123 in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 25-Feb-2008, 02:05
  4. A short stories
    By wuwei in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 20-Sep-2006, 08:47
  5. Short Stories
    By jack in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 11-Feb-2005, 08:58

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •