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    #1

    Can anybody help me correct the following e-mail?

    Can anybody help me correct the following e-mail? Thank you.

    Dear Mr. Powell,

    With reference to our earlier telephone conversation, I would like to reiterate that our technical division have revealed that there will be no excavation, but minor underground cable line laying work to be carried out outside the entrance of the subway (see the blue arrow sign shown on the photos attached below) and so no facilities under your department's management are expected to be influenced by the work. However, excavation works aiming to connect the cable duct or pit are planned to implement on the other side of the subway or after passing through the subway, but these also appear not to cause any adverse effects on your facilities there, such as ramps, water points as well as ground tiles.

    To facilitate the realization of the work proposal, please let us know your feedback on our technical division's above further information on the proposal by 10.05.2016 and we really look forward to receiving your approval of the work and hearing the earliest commencement date of the work. Last but no least, please advise us if the work regarding the built up of a new cut-out to the newly-installed pillar box engineered by your construction division may have a clash with our technical division's above scheduled work.

    Yours sincerely,
    CB

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Can anybody help me correct the following e-mail?

    Say:

    our technical division HAS revealed....

    There is not going to be any excavation? Don't you have to dig a ditch to lay cable underground?

    Say:

    entrance TO the subway

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Can anybody help me correct the following e-mail?

    Say:

    but minor underground cable line laying work is to be carried out....

    Say:

    see the blue arrow....

    (We wouldn't say "see the blue arrow sign".)

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Can anybody help me correct the following e-mail?

    Say:

    no facilities under your department's management are expected to be AFFECTED by the work.

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Can anybody help me correct the following e-mail?

    The "excavation" sentence needs to be reworked so it is clear what is being said.

  5. Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Can anybody help me correct the following e-mail?

    Quote Originally Posted by chowbarry View Post
    Can anybody help me correct the following e-mail? Thank you.

    Tarheel's comments are good. I have a more general comment that this is too wordy. If Mr. Powell is a busy man, he might not appreciate deciphering it.

    Here are some ways to make it more clear and concise:


    Dear Mr. Powell,

    Regarding our telephone conversation, Keep in mind that our technical division says there will be no excavation, but minor underground cable lines will be laid outside the subway entrance of the subway. (See the blue arrow sign shown on the attached photos.) So we don't expect to affect the facilities you manage.

    However, digging to connect the cable duct or pit is planned for the other side of the subway [or after passing through the subway This phrase doesn't make sense. Rephrase.], but these should not have an adverse effect on your facilities, such as ramps, water points, or ground tiles. [I've never heard of a water point. Has Mr. Powell?]

    [To facilitate the realization of the work proposal This phrase is meaningless. Delete it.] Please Give us your feedback on our technical division's [above further information on the Meaningless. Delete.] proposal by 10.05.2016. We look forward to receiving your approval and hearing the earliest possible starting date for the work.

    Last but no least, please let us know whether building a new cut-out to the the pillar box your engineering division installed will conflict with our technical division's work schedule.

    Yours sincerely,
    CB
    I hope that helps!
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  6. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Can anybody help me correct the following e-mail?

    Quote Originally Posted by chowbarry View Post

    Last but not least,
    Note my correction to a phrase you used in your original. However, please note that I would not use it at all in such a letter. I'd use "Finally".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  7. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: Can anybody help me correct the following e-mail?

    There are a couple of reasons that I ask questions. First, I don't know the answer. Second, it's a teaching technique. (There might be another one that I can't think of right now, but "because it's fun to do" is not one of them.)

    Chowberry, if it's not too much trouble could you post the revised email?

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