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    #1

    Write up about an event. - Please correct

    A write-up about a recent event and need to publish this to the leadership team. Would it be possible to read and review this for any corrections? I really appreciate this help. Thank you - Dhruva.


    May 5th, was another incredible event in the history of Southern California (XXXX) XXXX in the year 2016. Thirty Nine XXXX XXXX families collectively drove 3000 miles from various spread-out cities and gathered under one roof at Boston town to celebrate this year’s first XXXX XXXX event, proudly called as – XXXX Picnic event. Their presence demonstrated community unity in unequivocal terms and further strengthened the organization roots.

    Our respected XXXX president, YYYY couldn’t make it in person but sent his encouraging audio message that almost filled-in his personal presence. Visionaries from board and national team participated in the event in person by travelling 5000 miles, while sacrificing their two night’s sleep. XXXX Board Chairman YYYY, Bylaws committee chair and Conference convener YYYY, and Region Vice President YYYY garu inspired XXXX members by sharing XXXX stories happening across the board at different levels. They also challenged the XXXX members to think “BIG” and be actively part of the rapidly growing XXXX organization – soon to be a 5000-member organization.

    Another XXXX, YYYY, drove another 1000 miles from Mexico and participated in the event with his family.

    Amazing teamwork was at display throughout the event in every activity. YYYY demonstrated their talent in cooking delicious food, participating in pickle competition and enjoyed team building activities. YYYY equally supported ladies by participating in team building activities and appreciating the good food. Kids participated in cultural activities, enjoyed games and their favorite ice-creams. It was a complete 6-hour package filled with fun for every member.

    AND the most important part of all was a – generous pledges of $8,200 to XXXX’s flagship program, XYZ, in just 15 minutes. Members showed their heart-felt support and exhibited their “We care our community” attitude.

    Every XXXX XXXX and Yyyy was behind this amazing successful event and everyone deserves a big "shout-out".

    Looking forward, we are fast approaching to South Region Conference planned to be conducted in a grand way on September 12th in California. It’s our responsibility to make this event a grand success and to create another milestone in the history of XXXX. Please be ready to be part of that event.

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    #2

    Re: Write up about an event. - Please correct

    May 5th, 2016 was another incredible event (a date is not an event) in the history of Southern California (XXXX) XXXX in the year 2016. Thirty Nine XXXX XXXX families collectively drove 3000 miles from various spread-out cities and gathered under one roof at Boston town to celebrate this year’s first XXXX XXXX event, proudly called as – XXXX Picnic event. Their presence demonstrated community unity in unequivocal terms and further strengthened the organization's roots.

    Our respected XXXX president, YYYY couldn’t make it in person but sent his encouraging audio message that almost filled-in was as good as his personal presence. Visionaries from board (abroad?) and the national team participated in the event in person by travelling 5000 miles, while sacrificing their two nights' sleep. XXXX Board Chairman YYYY, Bylaws committee chair and Conference convener, YYYY, and Region Vice President, YYYY garu(?), inspired XXXX members by sharing XXXX stories happening across the board at different levels. They also challenged the XXXX members to think “BIG” and be actively part of the rapidly growing XXXX organization – soon to be a 5000-member organization.

    Another XXXX, YYYY, drove another 1000 miles from Mexico and participated in the event with his family.

    Amazing teamwork was at display displayed throughout the event in every activity. YYYY demonstrated their talents in cooking delicious food, participating in pickle competition and enjoyed team building activities. YYYY equally supported the ladies by participating in team building activities and appreciating the good food. Kids participated in cultural activities, enjoyed the games and their favorite ice-creams. It was a complete 6-hour package filled with fun for every member.

    AND the most important part of all was a – generous pledges of $8,200 to XXXX’s flagship program, XYZ, in just 15 minutes. Members showed their heart-felt support and exhibited their “we care for our community” attitude.

    Every XXXX XXXX and Yyyy was behind this amazing successful event and everyone deserves a big "shout-out".

    Looking forward, we are fast approaching to the South Region Conference planned to be conducted in a grand way on September 12th in California. It’s our responsibility to make this event a grand great success and to create another milestone in the history of XXXX. Please be ready to be part of that event.
    I am not a teacher.

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    #3

    Re: Write up about an event. - Please correct

    Great. Thank you very much for the corrections. What a wonderful help !

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    #4

    Re: Write up about an event. - Please correct

    Please remember to space after end punctuation marks and not before.

    Did people have to lose two nights of sleep to attend the event? Is there really a town in California called "Boston"?

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    #5

    Re: Write up about an event. - Please correct

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Please remember to space after end punctuation marks and not before.

    Did people have to lose two nights of sleep to attend the event? Is there really a town in California called "Boston"?
    No, they don't have to loose two nights sleep. It looks like my statement did not convey the message.

    To attend the event they came in the bus in the night and went back to their home again in the next days night. so total two nights. Hence lost sleep for two nights.

    No, Boston is a makeup word not the real city where the event was conducted.

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    #6

    Re: Write up about an event. - Please correct

    Quote Originally Posted by dhruva101 View Post
    No, they don't have to loose lose two nights' sleep. It looks like my statement did not convey the message meaning.

    To attend the event, they came in the bus in the at night and went back to their home again in the next days the following night. So it was a total of two nights. Hence they lost sleep for two nights.

    No, Boston is a makeup made-up word, not the real city where the event was conducted.
    .
    Last edited by tedmc; 13-May-2016 at 11:23.
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