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  1. Key Member
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    #1

    Girl out of the troops possession

    "There was a troop (group of soldiers). who destryed a terriorist camp in a forest and took hostage a girl, who would help them get out of the forest. But one of their comrades got killed while on their way to out of the jungle, so they thought that there was a fellow man of that girl who followed and killed him and who wanted to release that girl from their (soldiers) possession".

    Please check.

  2. Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Girl out of the troops possession

    Quote Originally Posted by tufguy View Post
    "There was a troop soldiers who destroyed a terriorist camp in a forest and took hostage a woman [no comma] who could help them get out of the forest. But one of their comrades got killed while on their way to out of the jungle, so they thought that the woman had a friend who followed and killed him and who wanted to release ​her from their [delete (soldiers)] possession".

    Please check.
    1. I don't think a girl could help a lost army troop very much. It was probably a woman.

    2. If the troops didn't know who was following them, how could they know whether it was a man or a woman? I would say something like "friend," "comrade," or "accomplice."
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. Piscean's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Girl out of the troops possession

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Bernstein View Post
    1. I don't think a girl could help a lost army troop very much. It was probably a woman.
    As we can use the word 'girl' of any female up to the age of at least 16, and probably older, I see no objection to the word here. In any case, a girl of ten is quite capable of guiding people through territory she knows well.

    2. If the troops didn't know who was following them, how could they know whether it was a man or a woman? I would say something like "friend," "comrade," or "accomplice."
    The words you suggest are indeed gender neutral. However, it would not be unreasonable of the soldiers to assume that the killer was male.

    "There was a platoon/squad/group of soldiers who destroyed a terriorist camp in a forest and took hostage a girl to help them get out of the forest. But one of their comrades was killed while on their way to out of the jungle, so they thought the girl had a comrade who had followed and killed him​, and who wanted to rescue the girl".

  4. Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Girl out of the troops possession

    Quote Originally Posted by Piscean View Post
    As we can use the word 'girl' of any female up to the age of at least 16, and probably older, I see no objection to the word here. In any case, a girl of ten is quite capable of guiding people through territory she knows well.

    That should go without saying, but you're making a very valid point. Here's my thinking: I'm just guessing that Tufguy is talking about an adult.

    I wrote "I don't think" because I'm not certain of the character's age. In most stories, it would be an adult, but I haven't read the whole story, so I can't be sure.



    The words you suggest are indeed gender neutral. However, it would not be unreasonable of the soldiers to assume that the killer was male.

    It's fine to write a story in which the soldiers assume something. If I were one of them, I'd assume it was a man, too.

    But in this example, it's dramatically out-of-sequence for the writer to tell the reader more about the stalker than the soldiers know yet. At this point in the story, we shouldn't know more about the stalker than the soldiers do.

    It seems that way, anyway. I said "If" because I know that, since I haven't read the whole story, I'm doing some assuming, myself!
    Does that make sense?
    Last edited by Charlie Bernstein; 20-May-2016 at 15:02.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  5. Key Member
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    #5

    Re: Girl out of the troops possession

    Yes, I was referring to an adult.

  6. Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Girl out of the troops possession

    Quote Originally Posted by tufguy View Post
    Yes, I was referring to an adult.
    Thanks, Tufguy! I hope those comments made sense.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

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