[Essay] correcting an essay about computer intelligence.

[Zhao Qingyu]

Could you please correct this writing for me? Thanks~
( PS: First paragraph is the writing task. )


Some people think it is very soon that computers will be more intelligent than humans. Some people think it is a positive development, while others think it is a negative development.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

We have been carried on computer revolution for many years, with computer intelligence growing by leaps and bounce, there is a significant possibility that computers will be more intelligent than human being in near future. The computer development has became a controversial topic in terms of its effects on people.

Proponents of computer development point out that computer intelligence has permeated every aspect of people’s life, which has obvious advantages to society. First of all, computer development created a large dollop of economic value to society due to easy-control computer programs, which saved labor cost and facilitated work efficiency. What is more, with computer programs, people could take advantage of efficacious machine to complete tough and dangerous works for human. A case in point is glass-wall cleaning robot system for high-rise buildings. Last but not least, computer intelligence has made people’s life various and convenient, without computer science, people would not enjoy the joy of using cell phone , airplane and so on.

On the contrary, opponents look at sharp development of computer in another visual angle. Thinking of the ability and potential value of computer intelligence, they worry that it will cause several disadvantages as below: First, it will cause a hundreds and thousands of people lose their job and then cause social turbulence; Second, it can be used by criminals to blackmail website or made illegal objects; Third, artificial intelligence system might out of people’s control, and then threaten lives and society.

Both sides make sense, computer intelligence is a double-edged sword. During its development, there must have unpleasant results like soaring unemployment rate and internet insecure. While every transform have pros and cons, as long as we take measures to minimize the side effect of computer intelligence, we can use it to pave a better way for the future. All in all, the development of computer science is excellent opportunity and challenge for human, we should embrace the opportunity and face the challenge in the meanwhile.

 

[emsr2d2]

When are you going to submit this essay to your teacher/tutor to be marked or graded?

 

[Zhao Qingyu]

Actually, it's for IELTS test..

 

[emsr2d2]

Are you going to use this essay in the test?

 

[teechar]

Some people think [STRIKE]it is[/STRIKE] very soon [STRIKE]that[/STRIKE] computers will be more intelligent than humans. Some [STRIKE]people[/STRIKE] think [STRIKE]it is[/STRIKE] that would be a positive development, while others think it would be detrimental to mankind. [STRIKE]is a negative development.[/STRIKE]
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

We have been carried on computer revolution for many years, with computer intelligence growing by leaps and bounce, there is a significant possibility that computers will be more intelligent than human being in near future.

- Your opening sentence doesn't make sense. You are expected to introduce the topic to the reader in that sentence; e.g., "Computer technology continues to advance at a rapid pace."
- You should avoid colloquialisms and informal/semi-formal expressions like "leaps and bounds" in your essay writing.

[STRIKE]The[/STRIKE] This rapid [STRIKE]computer[/STRIKE] development of computers has became a controversial topic in terms of its effects on people.

That's good as the issue statement, but where is the sentence that shows your position on the issue?
E.g., "Nevertheless, I see the advance of computer technology as an opportunity rather than a threat."

Proponents of computer development point out that computer [STRIKE]intelligence[/STRIKE] technology has permeated every aspect of people’s life, which has obvious advantages to society. First of all, computer development has created [STRIKE]a large dollop of[/STRIKE] economic opportunities in various manufacturing and service industries. [STRIKE]value to society due to easy-control computer programs, which[/STRIKE] Computers have brought tremendous economic benefits in terms of reduced [STRIKE]saved[/STRIKE] labor cost and [STRIKE]facilitated[/STRIKE] greater work efficiency. What is more, with computers, [STRIKE]programs, people could take advantage of efficacious[/STRIKE] machines [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] can be programmed to complete tasks considered too tough and dangerous [STRIKE]works[/STRIKE] for humans. A case in point is glass-wall cleaning robot systems for high-rise buildings. Last but not least, computers [STRIKE]intelligence has [/STRIKE] have made people’s [STRIKE]life various[/STRIKE] lives more interesting and convenient; without computer science, people would not enjoy [STRIKE]the joy of[/STRIKE] using cell phones, [STRIKE]airplane[/STRIKE] the Internet and so on.

On the other hand, [STRIKE]contrary,[/STRIKE] opponents look at [STRIKE]sharp[/STRIKE] the rapid development of computers differently. [STRIKE]in another visual angle.[/STRIKE] Thinking of the ability and the seemingly limitless potential [STRIKE]value[/STRIKE] of computer technology, [STRIKE]intelligence,[/STRIKE] they worry that it will cause several problems for people. [STRIKE]disadvantages as below:[/STRIKE] First, they argue, it will [STRIKE]cause a[/STRIKE] lead to the loss of hundreds [STRIKE]and[/STRIKE] of thousands of [STRIKE]people lose their[/STRIKE] jobs, which in turn would [STRIKE]and then[/STRIKE] cause social turbulence. Second, they point out that [STRIKE]it[/STRIKE] advanced computer technology can be used by criminals to [STRIKE]blackmail website or made[/STRIKE] carry out illegal cyber acts. [STRIKE]objects;[/STRIKE] Third, they warn against artificial intelligence systems which might go out of people’s control, and then threaten lives and society.

In conclusion both sides have valid arguments regarding highly advanced [STRIKE]make sense,[/STRIKE] computer technology. [STRIKE]intelligence is a double-edged sword.[/STRIKE]

During its development, there must have unpleasant results like soaring unemployment rate and internet insecure. While every transform have pros and cons, as long as we take measures to minimize the side effect of computer intelligence, we can use it to pave a better way for the future.

These (new) ideas should not be presented in the conclusion. Instead, you should use them in your body paragraphs above.

However, on the whole, [STRIKE]All in all,[/STRIKE] the development of computers [STRIKE]science[/STRIKE] is an excellent opportunity and challenge for humans; we should embrace the opportunity and face the challenge in the meanwhile.

.

 

[Raymott]

I think you've missed the whole point of the question. It's not whether computers are useful or not. It's whether computers becoming more intelligent than humans is a good or bad thing. I don't know what attitude IELTS takes to answering the wrong question, but I am sure it would be useful to think about what the question is asking. "Computer science" as you state in your conclusion is not really the issue.

 

[Zhao Qingyu]

Yeah, now I realize it.. Thanks for point it out

 

[Zhao Qingyu]

Thank you, you are so kind I have a question, when should we use continue to do, and under what circumstance should we use continue doing?

 

[Zhao Qingyu]

This is a practice, I don't know what task would be given in the test. This task was used by officials before.

 

[teechar]

Thank you, you are so kind I have a question, when should we use continue to do, and under what circumstance should we use continue doing?

I think in most cases you can use either a gerund or an infinitive after "continue"; do you have a particular sentence or context in mind?

 

[Zhao Qingyu]

Actually, I am confused about your e.g., "Computer technology continues to advance at a rapid pace." I think in this case we should use gerund, because computer technology has already advanced at a rapid pace, we should use "continue advancing" to emphasize the progress.

 

[teechar]

No, either form (gerund or infinitive) works in that context.

 

[Tarheel]

One thing. Say:

Thanks for pointing that out.

 

[Tarheel]

Until computers become self-aware (like Hal in "2001"), the "intelligence" of computers will not be a problem. (I think "intelligence" is really the wrong word for computers.)

 

[Raymott]

(I think "intelligence" is really the wrong word for computers.)

After 60-odd years of AI, I think we're stuck with "computer intelligence". For me it's a close enough analogy.

 

[Tarheel]

When computers not only know how to solve problems but also what problems to solve we will entering a brave new world.