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    #1

    David thought about

    Would you please take a look at my sentences and correct my grammar and punctuation?

    David thought about what he was doing in this godforsaken town where he did not have either family or friends, and where most of the time he suffered from boredom. If he stayed a few more years, he would probably develop an incurable illness, which would shorten his life.

  1. Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: David thought about

    Pretty good!

    I'd get rid of the comma in the first sentence. Remember that a series of two does not get a comma, no matter how long each item is. We only use commas when there are three items or more.

    It would be like putting a comma in your phrase "family or friends" - a series of two inside little items inside a series of two big items.

    I'm also wonder whether your remark about developing an incurable illness works here, but it depends on the context. Does David have a vivid imagination? Is he a hypocondraic? Is the godforsaken town wracked with inclurable illnesses?
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

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    #3

    Re: David thought about

    I imagined David suffering from boredom and unhappiness, which would sooner or later have such a negative effect on his body and which later would develop an incurable illness.
    Last edited by Bassim; 01-Jun-2016 at 16:58.

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    #4

    Re: David thought about

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    I imagined David suffering from boredom and unhappiness, which would sooner or later have such a negative effect on his body and which later would develop an incurable illness.
    The sentence says that David's moods would develop an incurable illness. I don't think that's what you mean.
    I am not a teacher.

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    #5

    Re: David thought about

    GoesStation,
    I am wondering if my sentence would be clear if I rephrase it like this?

    I imagined David suffering from boredom, loneliness and unhappiness, which would have such a negative effect on his body, and which would cause him to develop an incurable illness.

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    #6

    Re: David thought about

    Yes, that's better. I don't see what such adds; it should refer to something you've mentioned previously or that follows the word that or as. For example, ...which would have such a negative effect on his body as to cause an incurable illness.
    I am not a teacher.

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