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    #1

    Please help me improve this e-mail

    Please help me improve this e-mail requesting the Human Resources Department for filling a vacancy at my clubhouse. Thank you.

    Dear Mrs. Feeney,

    As discussed on 10 June 2016 afternoon, we would like you to update this office the latest development of arranging the posting of a suitable clubhouse assistant to fill the imminent vacancy to be left by the transfer of Mr. Baines to another company on 23 July 2016.

    To be honest, our department is unfortunately going to come across an unprecedented risk of being short of labor facing the impending departure of an experienced staff in Mr. Baines and possibly be further worsen by the retirement of Mr. Stones tentatively scheduled on 25 August 2016 subject to the approval of his application for services extension, which should be surely for any department providing charging recreation and leisure facilities to the public like us cannot afford.

    We are very afraid that if there will be eventually no suitable candidate to fill the void of Mr. Baines, who has been mainly responsible for managing full set of bookings and maintenance of a significant number of facilities at the clubhouse and supervising a large group of front-line staff to serve the members of public for years, which will result in paralyzing our department's daily operation of delivering quality services to the public to a large extent and in return may undermine our image of company in the eyes of the public. Worse still, Mr. Baines's departure will almost be immediately followed by the retirement of Mr. Stones, another veteran of our department, leaving just one managerial staff to operate the department on a shift basis providing no supplement of manpower from your office, the department will be then certainly beyond our management.

    In this regard, we are hopeful of your office informing us of the progress regarding the replacement of Mr. Baines and providing us with a suitable staff, preferably an experienced staff with outstanding performance record, to timely fill the vacancy to be left by Mr. Baines on 23 July 2016 so as to ensure the daily management of our department and uphold our clubhouse's status as one of the best quality provider to the public in the district. Thank you.

    Yours sincerely,

    TY

  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please help me improve this e-mail

    Say:

    Please help me improve this email asking the Human Resources Department to fill a vacancy at my clubhouse.

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Please help me improve this e-mail

    Try:

    As discussed on the afternoon of the tenth of June 2016, we would like you to update this office on the latest developments concerning arranging the posting of a suitable clubhouse assistant to fill the imminent vacancy to be left by the transfer of Mr. Barnes to another company on 23 July 2016.

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Please help me improve this e-mail

    Perhaps:

    It looks like our department is going to be short of staff after Mr. Barnes leaves, and the situation will only get worse after Mr. Stones retires (tentatively scheduled for 25 August 2016).

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Please help me improve this e-mail

    Next paragraph. Perhaps:

    We are afraid that there will eventually be no suitable candidate to fill the void left by the departure of Mr. Barnes, who has been mainly responsible for managing a full set of bookings and maintenance of a significant number of facilities at the clubhouse and supervising a large group of front-line staff to serve the public for years.

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Please help me improve this e-mail

    Perhaps:

    The departure of Mr. Barnes will result in paralyzing our department's daily operation of delivering quality services to the public to a large extent and may undermine the image of the company in the eyes of the public.

  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Please help me improve this e-mail

    You don't want your sentences to be so long that by the time you get to the end you have forgotten how they started.

  7. Newbie
    Student or Learner
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      • Vietnamese
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      • Vietnam
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    • Join Date: Jun 2016
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    #8

    Please help me improve this e-mail

    Please help me improve my e-mail.

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    #9

    Re: Please help me improve this e-mail

    Welcome to the forum, Ly_Ho.

    Please start a new thread of your own to post your email.

  8. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: Please help me improve this e-mail

    Next sentence. Perhaps:

    Mr. Barnes's departure will almost immediately be followed by the retirement of Mr. Stones, another veteran of our department, leaving just one person to operate the department on a shift basis, providing no supplement of manpower from your office. We will then be incapable of managing the department at that point.

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