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    #1

    When John went to a supermarket

    Would you please take a look at my sentences and correct my grammar and punctuation mistakes?

    When John went to a supermarket, there were already dozens of people in a queue, young fat mothers with crying babies, teenegers with piercing and tatoos all over their bodies, excited chatty girls, noisy boys, middle-aged men with long beards and ponytails, and middle-aged women who dressed as if they still were teenagers. Everyone was eager to see a rock-star who had decided to spend a day working as a shop assistant.

  1. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: When John went to a supermarket

    Probably "the" rock star, because I would guess you have already said who it will be.

    The tone is quite judgmental.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: When John went to a supermarket

    Say:

    teenagers with piercings and tattoos all over their bodies

  3. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: When John went to a supermarket

    I would use not only "the rock star" but "the supermarket" and "the queue" - it's clearly a specific supermarket being referred to and the queue is the queue specific to this rather bizarre event.
    I'd probably also say "When John got to the supermarket" or "When John arrived at the supermarket", not "When John went ...".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #5

    Re: When John went to a supermarket

    Wouldn't it be better to use a colon instead of a comma after "dozens of people in a queue" since it is followed by a list of the people?
    I am not a teacher.

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    #6

    Re: When John went to a supermarket

    Quote Originally Posted by tedmc View Post
    Wouldn't it be better to use a colon instead of a comma after "dozens of people in a queue" since it is followed by a list of the people?
    Yes. And OP should note the correct spelling of teenagers and tattoos.
    I am not a teacher.

  4. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: When John went to a supermarket

    I'd use either a colon or a dash.

    ... there were already dozens of people in the queue: young mothers, middle-aged men ...
    ... there were already dozens of people in the queue - young mothers, middle-aged men ...
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: When John went to a supermarket

    First sentence. Say:

    When John arrived at the supermarket, there were already dozens of people in the queue: young fat mothers with crying babies, teenagers with piercings and tattoos all over their bodies, excited chatty girls, noisy boys, middle-aged men with long beards and ponytails, and middle-aged women who had dressed as if they were still teenagers.

  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: When John went to a supermarket

    Second sentence. Say:

    Everyone was eager to see the rock star who who had decided to spend the day working as a shop assistant.

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    #10

    Re: When John went to a supermarket

    Unlike Tarheel, I wouldn't say "women who had dressed as if they were still teenagers". I'd use either "women who were dressed as if" or simply "women dressed as if".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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