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  1. Narkises's Avatar
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    #1

    Lightbulb History of Karbala

    Hello,

    I am translating a real story to English. I need your help and corrections. As I do it little by little, I send you a little each time.
    Thank you in advance.

    "Hello and Salavat to the caravan which is approaching Hussain's Karbala (it's a place) every moment.
    After 40 days of estrangement, separation, pain, wound, scourge, threat and insult, the caravan is coming back to Karbala; an exultant caravan which is not similar to when it left Karbala, at all."

    Last edited by Narkises; 29-Jun-2016 at 23:21.
    Please correct my mistakes if you encounter any.

  2. Narkises's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: History of Karbala

    ".... A caravan which has uncovered Bani-ommaya's conspiracies and now is coming back to Karbala exultantly and successfully; so that it reassures the pledge it made for blood of oppressed martyrs; and so that it sends us an important message. And the condition of companionship is passing to the end of path. Arbayaen (means the fortieth day after the distaster) means completion and perfection."
    Please correct my mistakes if you encounter any.

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: History of Karbala

    Quote Originally Posted by Narkises View Post
    Hello,

    I am translating a real story to English. I need your help and corrections. As I do it little by little, I send you a little each time.
    Thank you in advance.

    "Hello and Salavat to the caravan which is approaching Hussain's Karbala (it's a place) every moment.
    After 40 days of estrangement, separation, pain, wound, scourge, threat and insult, the caravan is coming back to Karbala; an exultant caravan which is not similar to when it left Karbala, at all."

    You should delete "every moment". Then (next sentence) put a period (full stop) after "Karbala". Then say:

    It is an exultant caravan....

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: History of Karbala

    Quote Originally Posted by Narkises View Post
    ".... A caravan which has uncovered Bani-ommaya's conspiracies and now is coming back to Karbala exultantly and successfully; so that it reassures the pledge it made for blood of oppressed martyrs; and so that it sends us an important message. And the condition of companionship is passing to the end of path. Arbayaen (means the fortieth day after the distaster) means completion and perfection."
    1. What is supposed to go where the ellipsis is?
    2. Say "affirms" instead of "reassures".
    3. It affirms the pledge it made to....
    4. Say:

    ..it brings us an important message.
    5. ?

  5. Narkises's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: History of Karbala

    Please suggest a substitution for "every moment". I mean moment by moment the caravan is approaching Karbala.
    Please correct my mistakes if you encounter any.

  6. Narkises's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: History of Karbala

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    1. What is supposed to go where the ellipsis is?
    2. Say "affirms" instead of "reassures".
    3. It affirms the pledge it made to....
    4. Say:

    ..it brings us an important message.
    5. ?
    What do you mean by number 1 and 5? You didn't type any numbers in my text.
    Please correct my mistakes if you encounter any.

  7. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: History of Karbala

    When you say the caravan is approaching Karbala you are saying it is moving in the direction of Karbala. If you put "moment by moment" in there that doesn't add anything.

  8. Narkises's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: History of Karbala

    "The condition of companionship is passing to the end of path."
    This sentence is really strange. Please restate it.
    I want to say that...
    For a companionship, we should do lots of things, and one of the rules(or conditions) is comanying and being with that person for ever and until the end of the way! I mean you shouldn't leave him/her after some time, in the middle of the way.

    Now, please improve the sentence.
    Please correct my mistakes if you encounter any.

  9. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: History of Karbala

    Quote Originally Posted by Narkises View Post
    What do you mean by number 1 and 5? You didn't type any numbers in my text.
    You have an ellipsis before "A caravan". You probably should delete the ellipsis and start the sentence thus: "The caravan....

    I couldn't understand much of the last part, so I didn't have any comments.

  10. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: History of Karbala

    "The caravan is approaching Karbala" is sufficient.

    I will sleep on this one, and I might have more ideas in the morning.

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