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  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #31

    Re: Writing for pleasure

    Perhaps:

    Suddenly she landed a devastating right cross to her opponent's chin. The girl crumpled to the canvas, landing with a thud. A knockout! The match was over, and she had won!

    Now it's time for applause.

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #32

    Re: Writing for pleasure

    Now people cheer. They jump up and down and holler.

  3. Newbie
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    #33

    Re: Writing for pleasure

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Perhaps:

    Suddenly she landed a devastating right cross to her opponent's chin. The girl crumpled to the canvas, landing with a thud. A knockout! The match was over, and she had won!

    Now it's time for applause.
    Thanks for your recommendations. Your sentences are way clearer than mine. I think I need to work more on expressing my thoughts. Might you give me some advice or some book/materials that I could improve?

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #34

    Re: Writing for pleasure

    Well, you could Google "writing advice" and see what you get.

    (Normally I don't rewrite a story that much, but it was hard to resist. Also, it might be better to show a person what you mean rather than just tell them.)

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #35

    Re: Writing for pleasure

    You can't, of course, do the jaw dropping thing and cheer and cheer at the same time, so you have to choose one. But don't worry! You'll find some place to use it.

  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #36

    Re: Writing for pleasure

    The change is rather abrupt and might be a bit jarring for the reader. There are a lot of things left out. Also, you might want to reword the question so it is more interesting (and more grammatical). Perhaps: "Please tell me, in your own words, how...."

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