Results 1 to 3 of 3
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Kenya
      • Current Location:
      • Kenya

    • Join Date: Jul 2016
    • Posts: 1
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #1

    Post COMMON APP ESSAY

    Kindly help me review my essay and tell whether it is really good enough and what I need to do to improve it.

    PROMPT: Describe a problem you've solved or a problem you'd like to solve. It can be an intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma, anything that is of personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution.

    THE ESSAY

    The atmosphere was palpable, the air tense. A pin drop silence engulfed the packed-to-capacity auditorium. As the lead judge paused to take a glass of water, thoughts raced through my mind. Could I really get it? I already had two awards; The Green Belt Award for my project as well as one of the most coveted awards, the most outstanding CEO. The only hurdle between me and the chance to go to South Africa was the last and most important award. As the anxiety arose, I paused to reflect how it all began.
    It all began way back in primary school during my scouting days. My fascination with the environment arose after winning an essay competition on ways we could conserve our environment. Then, I didn’t really know how important this would be to me and how significant it would be. All I was doing was being creative, not knowing that I one day would have to live what I was writing. That was soon to be forgotten, but not for too long.
    In high school, reality struck me when I was appointed the Environment captain. The joy of my appointment quickly vanished when I saw how uphill a task that was going to be. I tried using the existing mechanisms to keep my school environment clean to no avail. The pressure coming from the teachers, fellow members of the students’ council and the school as a whole was too much to bear.
    I was on the brink of resigning when I saw a glimmer of hope, a way I could use my position to salvage my already sinking ship. The Junior Achievement Company Program was the solution. We were required to come up with an idea that would solve a common problem in the society as well as make it a profitable business, in a legal sense that is.
    That is when I decided to think out of the box. What if I could find a way of managing this paper waste menace that was a headache in my docket, as well as earn money from it. I took the initiative and requested to be given the chance to form a company. That is how Rapsville Paper Company was born.
    I opted for paper charcoal. This was a way of solving the waste paper menace by recycling them and using them to make charcoal that could be used as an alternative source of energy. With this idea, I was not only making my environment clean, but also saving the trees by providing an alternative.
    I mobilized some friends of mine too help me with the idea and managed to some little funding that was required for the pilot project and soon the project was up and running. Production wasn’t tedious as one only needed to collect pieces of paper and other waste, which was done by the students under my powers as the captain. Thereafter, the waste would be soaked in water until they formed a fine paste. The paste is then rolled into sizeable balls, which are then laid out to dry in the sun. Simple, huh? Yes and it worked, with my teachers being my first clients, followed by the support staff.
    The local community go to know of this project during the environment day celebrations, and the greatest pride was the recognition I received from the County Governor for my efforts to solve the waste menace. Finally this was working out for me.
    This being a JA project, I had to compete with other equally creative projects from other schools before I could get to the national levels. The high profits we were getting and the numerous endorsements from parents and local leaders enabled my team to make it to the national expo in October 2014 at CEMASTEA in Karen.
    That was when I realized that I could do more to help protect our environment. The drive to relocate the Kisumu dumpsite is proof enough that I have what it takes to be the guardian of my environment. I was jolted from my reverie by a huge round of applause. I unfortunately didn’t get the award, meaning I missed the golden opportunity to go to South Africa, but my resolve was now greater than ever. I had an obligation to my environment. And I had to fulfil it. And the struggle goes on.
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 01-Aug-2016 at 23:53. Reason: Removed unnecessary asterisks

  1. emsr2d2's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK

    • Join Date: Jul 2009
    • Posts: 34,331
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #2

    Re: COMMON APP ESSAY

    Welcome to the forum.

    Why is the title of your essay full of asterisks? Please click on Edit Post and remove them all.
    When are you going to submit your essay to your teacher/tutor?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK

    • Join Date: Jul 2009
    • Posts: 34,331
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #3

    Re: COMMON APP ESSAY

    Quote Originally Posted by Franklin omullo View Post
    Kindly help me review my essay and tell whether it is really good enough and what I need to do to improve it.

    PROMPT: Describe a problem you've solved or a problem you'd like to solve. It can be an intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma, anything that is of personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution.

    THE ESSAY

    The atmosphere was palpable, the air tense. A pin drop silence engulfed the packed-to-capacity auditorium. As the lead judge paused to take a glass of water, thoughts raced through my mind. Could I really get it? I already had two awards; The Green Belt Award for my project as well as one of the most coveted awards, the most outstanding CEO. The only hurdle between me and the chance to go to South Africa was the last and most important award. As the anxiety arose, I paused to reflect how it all began.
    It all began way back in primary school during my scouting days. My fascination with the environment arose after winning an essay competition on ways we could conserve our environment. Then, I didn’t really know how important this would be to me and how significant it would be. All I was doing was being creative, not knowing that I one day would have to live what I was writing. That was soon to be forgotten, but not for too long.
    In high school, reality struck me when I was appointed the Environment captain. The joy of my appointment quickly vanished when I saw how uphill a task that was going to be. I tried using the existing mechanisms to keep my school environment clean to no avail. The pressure coming from the teachers, fellow members of the students’ council and the school as a whole was too much to bear.
    I was on the brink of resigning when I saw a glimmer of hope, a way I could use my position to salvage my already sinking ship. The Junior Achievement Company Program was the solution. We were required to come up with an idea that would solve a common problem in the society as well as make it a profitable business, in a legal sense that is.
    That is when I decided to think out of the box. What if I could find a way of managing this paper waste menace that was a headache in my docket, as well as earn money from it. I took the initiative and requested to be given the chance to form a company. That is how Rapsville Paper Company was born.
    I opted for paper charcoal. This was a way of solving the waste paper menace by recycling them and using them to make charcoal that could be used as an alternative source of energy. With this idea, I was not only making my environment clean, but also saving the trees by providing an alternative.
    I mobilized some friends of mine too help me with the idea and managed to some little funding that was required for the pilot project and soon the project was up and running. Production wasn’t tedious as one only needed to collect pieces of paper and other waste, which was done by the students under my powers as the captain. Thereafter, the waste would be soaked in water until they formed a fine paste. The paste is then rolled into sizeable balls, which are then laid out to dry in the sun. Simple, huh? Yes and it worked, with my teachers being my first clients, followed by the support staff.
    The local community go to know of this project during the environment day celebrations, and the greatest pride was the recognition I received from the County Governor for my efforts to solve the waste menace. Finally this was working out for me.
    This being a JA project, I had to compete with other equally creative projects from other schools before I could get to the national levels. The high profits we were getting and the numerous endorsements from parents and local leaders enabled my team to make it to the national expo in October 2014 at CEMASTEA in Karen.
    That was when I realized that I could do more to help protect our environment. The drive to relocate the Kisumu dumpsite is proof enough that I have what it takes to be the guardian of my environment. I was jolted from my reverie by a huge round of applause. I unfortunately didn’t get the award, meaning I missed the golden opportunity to go to South Africa, but my resolve was now greater than ever. I had an obligation to my environment. And I had to fulfil it. And the struggle goes on.
    I have removed all the unnecessary asterisks from the first post. If, as I suspect, they were added so that the title would not be found by a search engine, that has now been rectified. I have also quoted the entire essay here just in case at some point someone "inadvertently" deletes the contents of post #1.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

Similar Threads

  1. [Essay] proof read common app essay please
    By SameerHussain in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 09-Aug-2014, 16:16
  2. [Application] Sequel- Common App
    By lovecommonapp in forum CVs, Resumes and Applications
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 21-Dec-2010, 05:20
  3. Common App Essay Please Review
    By emjay1264jr in forum CVs, Resumes and Applications
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 13-Feb-2010, 23:55
  4. Please help me revise college app essay!!
    By imaggie in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 18-Oct-2008, 02:21

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •