[Essay] Do you think happiness depends on money?

[mumluck]

[FONT=&quot]Would you please give me some suggestions? This is my first time try writing essay.
Thank you

Topic : Do you think happiness depends upon money
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In this century, no one can refuse that money is standard of living. Having a lot of money means you can buy many things. Although money is a great thing, I disagree that happiness depends upon money. Family, friends, and freedom can make you feel pleasant too.

To begin with, family is commonly basic factor for happiness. It is a place where you can throw concerns away. Strong relationship of family always consoles and increases confidence for you which you couldn’t buy. Also, it’s no matter how you are, poor or rich, you are always a family, and they always love you.

Secondly, having good friends is a key of being enjoyable life. They are people who you communicate with, share opinion, and help you. Students always meet their group in free time and enjoy, sometimes they go out together to make a good time. Conversely, loneliness affects your health and thinking, be the cause of being dementia.

Finally, everyone always feels happy to be freedom. You can totally be yourself and do whatever you want. People in Bhutan: the happiest country do their work and have their hobbies independently everyday. On the other hand, Angola is one of unhappy country in the world where people have very low level of freedom to make life choices.

In conclusion, we know money become one part of our lives, It can make you happy in buying a thing but it is not all of happiness. There are more factors such as family, friends, and freedom for happiness. In my opinion true happiness is not from things you buy, but it is when your heart feels it is completely fulfilled.

 

[teechar]

Would you please give me some suggestions? This is my first time [STRIKE]try[/STRIKE] writing an essay.
Thank you.

Hello mumluck, and welcome to the forum. :hi:

Topic : Do you think happiness depends upon money?

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In this century, no one can refuse that money is standard of living.

There are several problems with that opening statement:
1- Was money not just as important before the year 2000? Try to avoid using phrases like that as fillers.
2- The verb you want is "deny" not "refuse."
3- "no one" is too strong. Avoid using such absolute/sweeping expressions in your essay writing. Try to learn how to qualify your statements.
4- "Standard of living" is not used like that.
http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/standard-of-living

So, an alternative sentence might be:
It is generally accepted that money is an important aspect in the life of most, if not all, people.
or even,
Money is an important part of our lives.

Having a lot of money means you can buy many things. Although money is a great thing, I disagree that happiness depends upon money. Family, friends, and freedom can make you feel [STRIKE]pleasant[/STRIKE] happy too.

To begin with, family is commonly basic factor for happiness. It is a place where you can throw concerns away. Strong relationship of family always consoles and increases confidence for you which you couldn’t buy. Also, it’s no matter how you are, poor or rich, you are always a family, and they always love you.

Secondly, having good friends is a key of being enjoyable life. They are people who you communicate with, share opinion, and help you. Students always meet their group in free time and enjoy, sometimes they go out together to make a good time. Conversely, loneliness affects your health and thinking, be the cause of being dementia.

Finally, everyone always feels happy to be freedom. You can totally be yourself and do whatever you want. People in Bhutan: the happiest country do their work and have their hobbies independently everyday. On the other hand, Angola is one of unhappy country in the world where people have very low level of freedom to make life choices.

Remember that this essay centres around money and whether happiness depends on it. You did not talk about money in any of your body paragraphs! You need to relate the point you discuss back to money. You need to convince the reader, e.g. in your first body paragraph, that even poor families can be happy. Otherwise, your essay would be considered off topic.

I won't correct the conclusion at this stage, but I'll just point out that you have a comma splice in the text below.

money become one part of our lives, It can make

Revise your essay, bearing in mind the above comments, and I'll be glad to have a look at it again.