Help needed with Essay

[reifm]

Hi Everyone!

I wrote an essay on the topic of negative effects of globalisation on local culture. I'm preparing for advanced level exam and I would appreciate any suggestion about my writing. The exercise is the following:

Your class has had a discussion about the negative effects of globalisation on local culture. You have made the notes below:

Effects of globalisation: the dominance of the western music/film industry. the loss of national identity. the undermining of values of a local culture. Some opinions expressed in the discussion: We don't want to see the same culture wherever we travel. People are free to enjoy whichever music, films or fashion they wish. Young people are losing the sense of values their parents had.

Write an essay discussing TWO of the effects listed in your notes. You should explain which effect is more important, giving reasons in support of your answer.
You may, if you wish, make use of the opinions expressed in the discussion, but you should use your own words as far as possible.

My answer is below. Thanks in advance!

Best,
Mark

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Essay: The negative effects of globalisation on local culture​

While globalisation brought an unprecedented prosperity in the global economy, it wasn't without a price. The price we all are playing is the undermining of values of local culture and the dominance of western music/film industry.

With the modern industrial revolution, the widespread use of the internet and smartphones the traditional values of society are at a risk of disappearance. The Wests, mainly the USAs use of soft power through popular media is distorting communities by constantly bombarding people all around the World with images of celebrities with dubious morals and values. Youngsters are poisoned with concepts that are shown as desirable while they hold little to no value in reality. Thus globalisation creates a chasm between generations destroying families, threatening the way of lives of many around the globe. It is especially dangerous because without solid morals and ethics the coming generations become rootless, wandering around without a clear driving sense. All of this could lead to depression, loss of self and loneliness.

The other worrying effect of globalisation is the dominance of western film/music industry. It is particularly sad because with the loss of multicultural cinematography we lose a lot of variety and creativity, in short value, in our lives. The massive prevalence of Hollywood movies in cinemas means a majority of people cannot enjoy different shows but those the "dream factory" emits. It also means we are either forced to watch subpar movies with shallow stories and lack of characters or we have to resort to illegal ways of acquiring quality content from the internet. Paradoxically, globalisation is the very thing that makes it possible to discover treasures from other cultures, like music bands and mind-blowingly good movies. To conclude I think globalisation can pose a threat to our traditions, but it also could enrich our life.

 

[teechar]

Essay: The negative effects of globalisation on local culture
​

While globalisation has brought [STRIKE]an[/STRIKE] unprecedented economic prosperity to many, [STRIKE]in the global economy, it wasn't[/STRIKE] that hasn't been without a price. The price we all are playing is the undermining of values of local culture and the dominance of Western culture, and in particular of the Western music/film industry.

With the [STRIKE]modern industrial[/STRIKE] current technological revolution, as well as the widespread use of the Internet and smartphones, the traditional values of society are at risk of disappearing.[STRIKE] ance.[/STRIKE] The West's, mainly the USA's, use of soft power through popular media is distorting communities by constantly bombarding people all around the World with images of celebrities with [STRIKE]dubious[/STRIKE] morals and values that are often foreign to the local traditions. Moreover, youngsters around the world are [STRIKE]poisoned with[/STRIKE] influenced by concepts that are shown as desirable while they hold little to no value in reality. Thus, globalisation creates a chasm between generations, destroying families, and threatening the [STRIKE]way of lives[/STRIKE] traditional way of life of many around the globe. It is especially dangerous because without solid morals and ethics, the [STRIKE]coming[/STRIKE] younger generations become rootless, wandering around without a clear driving sense of cultural identity. All of this could lead to depression, loss of self respect and loneliness.

The other worrying effect of globalisation is the dominance of the Western film/music industry. It is particularly sad because this phenomenon is leading to the demise of local cultural industries, especially when it comes to film, theatre and music productions. And of course with the loss of such important cultural markers [STRIKE]multicultural cinematography[/STRIKE] we lose a lot of variety and creativity [STRIKE]in short value,[/STRIKE] in our lives. The massive prevalence of Hollywood movies in cinemas means the majority of people cannot enjoy different shows but those the "dream factory" emits. It also means we are either forced to watch sub-par movies with shallow stories and [STRIKE]lack[/STRIKE] of frivolous character, or we have to resort to [STRIKE]illegal ways of[/STRIKE] acquiring quality content from the Internet. Paradoxically, globalisation is the very thing that makes it possible to discover treasures from other cultures, like music bands and [STRIKE]mind-blowingly[/STRIKE] good international movies. To conclude, I think globalisation [STRIKE]can[/STRIKE] poses a real threat to our traditions despite the apparent benefits some argue it offers. [STRIKE], but it also could enrich our life.[/STRIKE]

Some comments:
1- Try to avoid (or tone down) the use of emotive language when writing formal essays.
2- Your essay is almost entirely one-sided. That's okay, but the problem is that you introduce just one benefit of globalization and, based upon that single statement, come up with a "balanced" conclusion. You need to elaborate on the opposite position if you want to write a more balanced essay.

 

[reifm]

Some comments:
1- Try to avoid (or tone down) the use of emotive language when writing formal essays.
2- Your essay is almost entirely one-sided. That's okay, but the problem is that you introduce just one benefit of globalization and, based upon that single statement, come up with a "balanced" conclusion. You need to elaborate on the opposite position if you want to write a more balanced essay.

Thanks again teechar for the valuable insights, I will keep them in mind next time writing an essay.

2- Your essay is almost entirely one-sided. That's okay, but the problem is that you introduce just one benefit of globalization and, based upon that single statement, come up with a "balanced" conclusion. You need to elaborate on the opposite position if you want to write a more balanced essay.

To be honest, I wasn't satisfied with this essay (I mean with the content, grammar wise, I don't know when I will be). The exercise was very specific about having to use two of the three given arguments against globalisation and I didn't really agree with any of them. Also, the 300-word limitation on it kinda tied my hands so couldn't really go into detail about my own opinion.But I guess I shouldn't write subpar arguments even if I don't agree with the task. You are right, I should have balanced it better I will pay attention to this in the future.

Thanks!