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    #1

    Messy paragraph

    Hello, everyone!

    After writing for hours in English I feel my writing tends to get more sloppy and ridiculous for some reason. Beware, then, this one paragraph is a real gem! I'm not sure the phrases I've picked/coined are valid or possible at all here. It's basically a passage where a woman is writing a letter and recalling an episode she had with a man she was dancing with some other night. See:

    Hannah was almost halfway in writing her fourth letter, this one to ever-patient Joanna, when memories about that one night came flooding back. What was so special about it? Nothing much, except for how she had taken a shot at ballroom dancing, like her best friend had suggested a long time ago. She had met Leo, too, the Italian guy that seemed to be pissed at anyone and everyone and of course she got paired up with. A few revolutions calmer after leading for two songs, he'd started a sickeningly cliché chivalry display for which he would occasionally go on his knees and pretend to give her a smoochy-loud kiss on her palm, or letting the grip on one of her hands go and watch her non-too-gracious body as it *swung in a perfect arch back and she shoot up her arm in what he decoded to be/as a sign to pick her up, bridal style.

    I should take a break I think. Just in case * isn't clear I mean that move in dancing where one partner rotates 90º degrees when partly let go, as if they were puffing their chests out. Afterwards, they usually move back to hold their partner again with both hands and keep dancing.

    As usual, thank you for taking the time to help me!

  1. teechar's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Messy paragraph

    Quote Originally Posted by lolipop90 View Post
    Hannah was almost halfway in through writing her fourth letter, this one to the ever-patient Joanna, when memories about that one night came flooding back. What was so special about it? Nothing much, except for how she had taken a shot at ballroom dancing, like her best friend had suggested a long time ago. That was the night she had met Leo, too, the Italian guy that seemed to be pissed at anyone and everyone and of course whom she got paired up with.
    The following doesn't work for me and, in my opinion, needs to be rewritten in a clearer and simpler manner.
    Quote Originally Posted by lolipop90 View Post
    A few revolutions calmer after leading for two songs, he'd started a sickeningly cliché chivalry display for which he would occasionally go on his knees and pretend to give her a smoochy-loud kiss on her palm, or letting the grip on one of her hands go and watch her non-too-gracious body as it *swung in a perfect arch back and she shoot up her arm in what he decoded to be/as a sign to pick her up, bridal style.

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    #3

    Re: Messy paragraph

    I can work my way around most of it, I hope! Do you know of some specific way to refer to that * movement, though? I've found 'swing' only but I'm afraid it may get confused with that dance and I'm actually having these two characters dance to slow drag blues tunes

  2. teechar's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Messy paragraph

    I'm not at all familiar with dance moves. I suggest you read up on the subject, and I'm sure you'll acquire the necessary vocabulary along the way.

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    #5

    Re: Messy paragraph

    ...he'd started a sickeningly cliché chivalry display...
    Shouldn't those be adjectives rather than nouns, before "display"?
    Clich
    éd, chilvalrous display? Display of clichéd chivalry?
    I am not a teacher.

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    #6

    Re: Messy paragraph

    You're right, yes! Perhaps "(...)he'd started a sickeningly cliché display of chivalry (...)" could work.

  3. teechar's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Messy paragraph

    You need "clichéd" in the above.

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