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Thread: Revise my essay

  1. Newbie
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    #1

    Revise my essay

    Hello, it's me again. Below is my assignment: Distribution of Housework
    I was asked to elaborate my opinion about this issue in the first paragraph, and in the second part was to took my family as an example.
    My teacher commented that it was too scrappy. I was hurt, but I do know I tend to ramble when I write argumentative essay, even writing in my native language.
    I hope there is someone who can help me with this problem.

    Couples of decades ago, it usually fell to women to be responsible for doing domestic chores in Taiwan. However, as knowledge and education freed the brand of genders, modern females will face less pressure from their parents-in-law and inquiring looks of others when they deny that being housewives is their callings. Nowadays, when it comes to the distribution of housework, people will tend to take the capabilities of each family member into account. When distributing housework rationally, we can not only maximize the efficiency but also keep the conflict to minimum. Therefore, that kind of concept should be passed down from generation to generation.
    My parents hold that spare the rod and spoil the child. As a result, when I was young, they had already asked me to tidy up my bedroom on my own, along with doing the laundry and washing dishes. However, I can't squeeze enough time to do so because I am preparing for being admitted to colleges now, which means doing housework had totally become my parents's domain. Nonetheless, I would always love to take out the trash while leaving for school. As far as I am concerned, my loving parents work hard to pay my tuition fee and nurture me, I should express my gratitude with action as long as I can.


    (If you had read my previous essay, you would have known what I had written in the second paragraph was only my imagination. Yet I chose to wrote in this way because it was much easier.)
    Last edited by s4196; 04-Nov-2016 at 17:56.

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Revise my essay

    After you've made it "less scrappy", are you going to submit it to your teacher again?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. Newbie
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    #3

    Re: Revise my essay

    I didn't think I had made it…did I?
    Well, I guess no. I revised it out of interest actually. I am too shy to bother my teacher again…
    Last edited by s4196; 05-Nov-2016 at 00:13.

  4. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Revise my essay

    I don't understand your response. It doesn't make sense as an answer to my question.

    When your essay is better, will you submit the new version to your teacher?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  5. Newbie
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    #5

    Re: Revise my essay

    Soory, I noticed that and had edited it.
    "Well, I guess no. I revised it out of interest actually. I am too shy to bother my teacher again…"

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    #6

    Re: Revise my essay

    But not too shy to bother us?

    Your teacher gets paid to be bothered.

  7. Newbie
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    #7

    Re: Revise my essay

    Oh, you got a point. Sorry for my imprudent behavior. I guess I will submit again.

  8. teechar's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: Revise my essay

    Note that you need to structure an essay properly.
    Take a look at the following threads:
    https://www.usingenglish.com/forum/t...sity-Education
    https://www.usingenglish.com/forum/t...should-be-free

    Also, it's very important to keep your writing clear and simple; do not unnecessarily complicate your writing. Expressions such as "the brand of genders" are unnatural. You can use the following sites to check such expressions.

    https://books.google.com/ngrams
    http://corpus.byu.edu/coca/x.asp?r1=&w=1024&h=600
    http://corpus.byu.edu/bnc/
    http://fraze.it/

    In fraze.it, enclose the expression you want to check in double quotes.


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